Is It Me? (part 1)

After writing about my emotion coaster, I can finally fill you in on the logistics and what exactly is going on, err, under the hood and how we finally got the ball rolling in our direction.

I was finally convinced, by a woman who has been here for me through the thick of it, to go to the doctor about 10 months into our baby making journey.  I was scared to death to know if something was wrong.  As a woman I feel like it is my duty to be able to carry a child and give my husband a family. I feel like it's my job and not being able to do my part equated to me being a failure. Feeling like a failure is something I try to push past. I know I'm not a failure, but really, I am not succeeding either. 

I made my appointment with my primary care giver (being in the military and with our insurance we had to get a referral out from our general practitioner) and the date was set. I went in that day knowing she couldn't do much other then maybe draw a few labs. She did a little more then just that, she was great. She ordered a semen-analysis up for E to do. She said she didn't want us to just show up at the OB empty handed, especially since they would do the same exact tests. I was ever so grateful.  I went down to the lab and had some blood drawn as well as yet another pregnancy test. She said I'd get my referral to OB within two weeks. 

The referral came in and I set my appointment with the OB two months later, yes I said months. I couldn't believe I had to wait even longer. I was kicking myself for putting the doctor appointments off and I was so nervous, but anxious to get the ball rolling. 

My first visit to the OB-GYN wasn't exactly what I was hoping for. I didn't really know what to expect, but I guess I expected much more. Maybe I thought they could wave their magic wand and give us our hopes and dreams. No, c'mon Jess, that's not how this works. He told us that our testing (my blood-work and his semen-analysis) came back normal. Great, I thought. Normal. E is normal, so that must meant that I'm the one who is infertile (insert panic mode here). He then went through and explained every part of the woman's uterine anatomy to me. How fascinating! (You honestly don't really think about your woman parts until there could be something wrong, you just assume they work the way they are supposed to work). While explaining he told me that I would need to get a trans-vaginal ultrasound and then an HSG once my cycle started again. Did he just say "trans-vaginal"? Boy, did the panic alarms sound off in my head. Wait, what? What about the HSG? I was scared out of my mind because I had heard that the HSG was extremely painful, I didn't know what to think. The number one question on my mind was why? why do I need to go through this? Why can't I just be normal? I listened carefully as he explained to me what the HSG scan would do and he prescribed me pain meds and antibiotics for the procedure (please see upcoming posts for more on the HSG). Dr. D was awesome and very nice, to say the least. 

I left the office with a short list of things to do over the next month. I was overwhelmed and emotional. My husband had to go back to work and I left the Naval hospital with so many different thoughts and emotions running through my head, but at the same time, I was happy, but scared. We finally had someone trying to help us and someone in the stands cheering for E and I, but what if something was wrong with me? What if I'm the one who can't carry a baby?

I spent the next week worrying about what the doctors would or wouldn't find. It's a strange emotion, really. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what was going on- if you just ignore the problem, there's nothing wrong right?  Right (rolls eyes). I guess I didn't want to face the fact that there could be something wrong, I didn't want to have to admit that I was the problem, that I was the reason behind our infertility. But was I?

~Jess