Emotion Coaster

When we first started out, I never knew my emotions would be played with so much. I cannot even explain how crazy this ride has been, but I will try my best to give you a ride on my emotion coaster. 

Have you ever scrolled through your news feed on Facebook just to find that every single one of your friends are pregnant or just had a baby? Have you ever looked around and noticed that around every corner there is a woman who is glowing with a pregnant belly? Or that every woman at your girls night has a child or is expecting? Well, if you answered yes, then you must be trying to conceive.

I never really noticed that there were babies popping up everywhere until we started trying. I cannot tell you how many countless times I have said to E, "well, [such and such] are expecting" or "[such and such] just had a baby". Of course we are thrilled to death for them, but at the same time, we ache inside.   If I wrote that I didn't experience jealousy it would be a lie and I'm blogging to be honest and for people to be able to relate. It's okay. These are honest emotions.  I am human, I do get upset when I don't get what I want and someone else does. It's like that kid at a family Christmas who wishes for an iPod so badly but his cousin gets one instead so he/she sits in the corner for the remainder of the evening pouting or maybe even crying.  I get like that, but at the same time I am overjoyed that someone gets a miracle from God. I have even taught myself (with help from my amazing friend) how to take a deep breath and remember that I don't know that person's story. That they, too, could have gone through a lot of trouble to have a child.


Something else that really toys with my emotions is when every one is complaining about their kids, their pregnancy, their insensitive husband, or trying to plan a baby shower.  I get it. We are all human here and unless your wonder woman then you're going to feel uncomfortable during pregnancy. Who wouldn't? And I know, we all complain, it's in our nature, but, I'd give just about anything to have a child. 

If seeing everyone in their brother with a kid wasn't enough, how about when you are in the midst of the two week wait?  Oh how annoying that wait can be. Oh it's 5 days past ovulation, can I test? "No, implantation hasn't even occurred yet, dummy.", says the little voice in my head. I always try to hold out on peeing on a stick til I'm about 9 days past ovulation. Negative after negative, I just continue to push forward and say maybe next time, maybe the test is messed up, maybe the batch was corrupted, maybe, maybe, maybe. The worst is when I'm two days late. I test. It's a big fat negative. Two hours later mother nature calls. How awesome. Not. Only one pink line in 26 months. I wonder how many tests I've actually taken? Oh geeze, I probably shouldn't even try to count. I have learned to expect one pink line. I will pee my pants jump for joy if I ever see two!

I don't know why people have the need to always ask young couples when they are going to have a baby, but it happens quite often. Before, I used to just try to nod the question away and just squirm in my seat searching for what I should say. Now, I just tell them, "well, we've been trying for over two years now". Strangely, they seem to utter with complete silence and walk on egg shells for the remainder of the conversation.

One of the last hills or dips on this emotion coaster is the fact that everyone thinks they understand what you're going through, or they know someone who has been in your shoes before and can give you some good advice. I am so appreciative for others, I really am, but sometimes it's just best to wish me the best of luck and prayers. It's not easy to walk a mile in someones shoes if you don't even know what the shoe looks like. That being said, I'm honestly glad for those who haven't had to go through the tough times of infertility. Just because your fertile doesn't mean we can't be friends tho, so never take it that way!

I am a God fearing woman, just as E is a God fearing man. We pray, we love God, we read the Bible, and we go to church. I know God has a plan, and He is an Awesome God. I don't doubt Him one bit, but to be honest, it's not easy to hear that over and over again even if it's true. We, as humans, are selfish and we want to control everything that happens, so it's hard to know that we really aren't in control. It's extremely hard to sit back and enjoy the view when your life isn't going according to your plan. It's in His hands not ours, and I try to remind myself of that every day. 

~Jess