Birth Story

 It's been over 4 months since I've given birth to our newest miracle and I've yet to put the birth story on paper. 

We went to my 37 week appointment at my doctor's office 2.5 hours away. We were told to bring our hospital bags and prepare to stay a few days, as I would get my membranes swept at my appointment, which could make me go into labor- so we did just that. 

I had been experiencing high blood pressure, swelling and pain in my hands and feet, Braxton hicks, and a few more intense contractions in the last couple of weeks. I knew I was dilated to 1cm the week before, but this being my first birth, I wasn't sure what to expect. They did an ultrasound and saw the babys head was in the 99th percentile and baby was measuring 3 weeks ahead. They also monitored the baby for quite sometime and then brought me in to see my doctor. I explained what was going on to my doctor and she said, "you guys probably won't like this, but I would like to induce you tonight". She explained she would be using a cooks catheter and some kind of cervix ripening drug for over night. I was actually over the moon. I had honestly been miserable the last week or so and learned I had gained 60lbs. Baby was in my back and I could feel him/her (yes, we had no idea the gender!) in my shoulder blades. It was so strange. I had an anterior placenta so moves weren't as prevalent as expected, so I felt a lot more movement towards my back/butt instead of my belly. 

We had already made plans to sta in Missoula and our oldest was staying with a wonderful friend. Of course, I called her first to tell her the news and make sure he'd be okay with staying there a few days. Ironically, she had taken off work that week and it worked out perfectly. 

We were told to be at the hospital in 4 hours to check in for induction. We cancelled the hotel room and decided to go out on a kidless date night to the movies. When killing time for the movie, we got a phone call saying the hospital was over flowing and they'd just take us first thing in the morning. Dang. Just more suspense. We reserved a hotel again and tried to enjoy our night. Once we settled in for the night, we took lots of bump pictures and tried to get some sleep. I couldn't sleep. My snoring husband was super loud and comfortable. Me, on the other hand was uncomfortable and had so many emotions, but mostly I was absolutely terrified. I didn't know what to expect and I spent all night googling what a cooks catheter was and what they'd be doing instead of the cervix ripening drug, since we would be starting in the morning instead of the evening. 

It was a long long sleepless night. 

5am came and we got up to try to find breakfast somewhere, anywhere. We got McDonald's and it was definitely the day's prior biscuits. It was horrible, but at least it was something. 

We checked in to the hospital and everyone was super kind. The lady at the desk asked what we were having and we explained we didn't know. She was beside herself and soooo excited to find out along side us. 

We got into our room and I remember thinking how boring and out of date our room was and asked if thats where I would be giving birth- yes I would be. The hospital bed was super small and super uncomfortable. 

I sat on the side of the bed and waited, with masks on. I was praying I didn't have to wear the mask during labor/delivery. As the nurse came in she handed me a gown and introduced herself. I had brought my own gown and asked if it was OK that I wore that instead. Yes, I certainly could as long as there were snaps in the back and an opening for emergencies...check! We were told I would have to have a covid swab before we could remove the masks. I complied- it was literally the worst. I had been stabbed 6 times prior to that, but I guess with the swelling that pregnancy gave me, it made it 100 times worse. I was negative so I could take my mask off and my husband could as well, as long as he was in the room with me. Thank goodness. 

She left and said she'd come back in a bit to get my IV started. Meanwhile, a man came in. I had never seen him before and he was dressed in street shoes, sweats, and a t-shirt with a badge on. His hair was shaggy and I swear he looked 19. I was confused. He introduced himself as doctor such and such (don't remember lol). He was there to do an ultrasound to make sure baby was head down. Ok...that was odd. 

The nurse came in moments later to do my IV, place the catheter and ask me questions. As she was asking questions I felt super faint as if I was going to pass out. They had me hooked up already and saw that I was having a contraction. I didn't even feel it! I just felt faint. I turned 3 shades of green and asked to pause for a moment. Apparently it was a vasovagal response caused by the catheter. They gave me Zofran and let me get into the water with some peppermint to help my nausea. The catheter was more just a pain because it was hanging out of me and I couldn't pee. Oh, and taped to my leg.

I got out of the bath and hung out for a bit. My doctor came in to check on me and answer any questions I had. She hung out for about 30 minutes and chatted. Mind you, this doctor had told me- she will definitely deliver me- no matter what. She is seriously amazjng. They came and checked me again and I was at a 4. I was having contractions and my husband ordered up the epidural. Yes, my husband. Kudos to him!! I tried to say I didn't want to be tied to the bed, but I'm glad he took that initiative haha.

The anesthesiologist came in to do the epidural 10 minutes after we called for it. In Missoula they have an anesthesiologist assigned to labor and delivery, exclusively. No waiting! He was in his cowboy boots and white coat. Montana always has a way of showing through, which is amazing. Dr. Huntley came in at the same time and she was outstanding with her pep talk and just making us feel right at home (as always). The epidural is the part I was most scared for. I have a slight fear of needles so I didn't even look at his tray. I had also heard the husband's aren't allowed to be near the wife during this process...so... I was all in my feelings. BUT- this wasn't the case. The anesthesiologist asked my husband to hold me a certain way and talk me through it. The doctor was so good and so kind. He talked about everything he was doing and I literally felt no pain. It was magical. He was insanely good. I knew I was blessed!

They let me sit with the catheter for a while and then checked me. When I was at a 5, 80% effaced and a -2 station they took the catheter out, broke my water, and started the pitocin. This was at 6pm. 

We waited for a bit and I started getting nauseated (pitocin!) so I asked for something to help settle me. They gave me Phenergan and it helped, but made me feel drunk and out of body and I mumbled weird words. I was having 4 contractions every 10 minutes now.

 I fell asleep finally as it was now 11pm and we had checked in at 7am and labor started at about 8am. They came in at about midnight and started rolling me around. I could tell the heart rate must have been dropping or something. I was at a 6 now and Dr. Huntley increased the pitocin. She stayed about 45 minutes just talking about life and keeping our mind on something else. It was an amazing talk. She, too, doesn't dress like a doctor. A hoodie and sweats usually. Sometimes moccasin type shoes. I just love it. 

I had been texting with my dr all night giving him updates. He would give me pointers and at one point told me to go to bed so I would have energy when it came to pushing. He was right, but I was like a kid on Christmas eve! Ironic, because we were approaching new years eve in a hurry. Which is my sister in laws birthday so that was really awesome to know that she could have a niece/nephew on her day!

I remember waking up again to the nurses coming in to check me. All of the nurses were absolutely amazing and just so kind. It must have been about 3am when she checked me and said I was at a 9cm and she was calling Dr. Huntley to come in. It was almost go time and I was panicking...and so was my husband!

I remember my husband asking me if something happened to me, what was he to do? Of course, I said he needed to raise the kids! He was terrified and kept telling me there was a reason why I had to go through IVF to get where I was...what if I truly wasn't meant to do this and now I'm defying God with science?! I mean, he had a good point, but I laughed him off.

Dr. Huntley came in and checked me. Said she could feel hair.....ummm. she got suited up and they were getting me ready. They had leg holders on in a funky, not your average, way to help assist my hips during pushing. I have a bad hip, so we didn't want to further injure it. She had me do a couple practice pushes and then said, yep, you're ready! 

Holy crap.

Holy crap.

Here we go.

I'm about to meet my son/daughter that I've worked my butt off for!!! How is this happening?!?!

I started pushing and she would press on me to show me where I needed to push. I didn't feel any pain, but what I knew was that in order to stop pushing, I would have to give this 110% each and every push. So. That's what I did. 20 hours of labor. 40 FORTY minutes of pushing. They were amazed by me. Kept saying how in shape I was and how awesome. My husband was a rock star! The support I had from him was something I had never seen before. I never said anything horrible and it went smoothly! They gave me oxygen at one pont, but was able to remove in a short amount of time. They asked my husband and I both if we wanted to see/feel the head come out and we both answered with a quick no!

When the final push came, she pulled the baby out with legs and feet (and privates!) Still in me. She had the baby wave to us and said "hi mom and dad!" And asked us to shout out the babys gender. We all had bets it would be a girl, except my husband. He was set it was a boy and so was my oldest at home. The baby came out and I remember looking through my legs, the umbilical cord, and all the goop and seeing a penis! We yelled TOGETHER with excitement, "ITS A BOY!!!!". I even through my hand in the air! I couldn't even believe it. I was convinced it was a girl from an ultrasound that I saw, but I was over the moon it was a boy. I love being a boy mom so much! Wow!!! We were even able to get this all recorded!

I finally had my boy. He was healthy at 37weeks and he was born on his aunts birthday. He was born at 4:06am at 7lbs 13oz. He is the second best thing that has ever happened to me behind his brother. I remember lookin down and thinking, wow...I can see my feet...and everything in between! Hahaha! It was an amazing experience that I'll cherish forever. And. To be honest, I still can't believe I did it!!! He started from a clump of cells and he is so perfect!

After that we video chatted all of the family and a couple close friends to include big brother. It was so amazing to do this!

Names were a secret. No one knew our choices and here is how we named him and announced his arrival (we made two of these videos in case he was a she!). (The link).

 https://youtu.be/_F6LeU0kOhg

What an incredible experience. So many hands and so many supporters- thank you!!

I conquered infertility. IVF was a success and 11 years of this crazy, I didn't give up. I deserve you, my boy. Thank you, Lord for this gift.

 I will come back to tell you the after birth story that literally no one talks about... 

Is this real?

I'm not sure where to even begin, so I will just jump right into it...

Monday May 3rd, transfer day.

Leading up to this day my husband was diagnosed with a horrible case of diverticulitis and was hospitalized.  They were hoping to get him out of there by the time I had to make the 5 hour road trip to Spokane, but it wasn't looking like it was going to happen. Working for the VA, I have lots of contacts and know most of the doctors. I spoke with the doc assigned to his case and he just said, "I just don't know if we can get him out of here in time, Jess. And even if he does, I'm not sure he needs to be traveling". He knew how broken hearted I was and just said he would pray for us. My mom caught wind of what was going on, after I broke down about not knowing what I was going to do with M and how I was going to make it to Spokane by myself and back. You see, I couldn't drive after the procedure and I certainly couldn't have my son there. I scrambled to make arrangements with a few friends (we don't have much family around), then my mom decided she would come in to help with our 3 year old and my friend agreed to make the trip with me from Montana to Washington. I visited Chad in the hospital that Sunday and told the nurse, "think he can get out of here by tonight so we can make a baby tomorrow?" She looked at me puzzled but didn't skip a beat when she said, "I mean, I can give you guys 10 minutes."  I literally laughed so hard and said, "too bad it's not that easy" and went on to explain what was going on. We all had a good laugh out of that. I left Chad that day and we were both in shambles. It meant so much for him to be there for me. Even if he couldn't be there to hold my hand, he could be in the parking lot waiting for me. He knew I was in good hands with my friend, but he was also broken hearted. It was rough.

I left the hospital and I went to pick my friend up at her house. I jokingly told her husband I would get her for child support when all of this worked out. We had a great time. We laughed and chatted about lots of things. Looking back on it, I truly think it was such a good distraction and helped me relax so much more just being around her and laughing. The reality of the situation escaped me because we were having a good time not loafing in my fertility problems. It was more of a girl's trip than a doctor visit. She drove me to and from the doctor and was a saint. I am so thankful for her. As the saying goes, "it takes a village", and that's the truth.

I was able to video chat with my husband during the procedure, which is always nice given the situation and the covid precautions. We were transferring our very last embryo. I went in with a full bladder, as instructed. They took a look and asked me to relieve myself by 2 cups because the doctor was running a few minutes behind. Here we go again, how in the heck can I do this? I did it and went back into the office...small victories!! Dr. H was optimistic and liked the way my lining looked this time around better than last time. They showed the embryo to me under the microscope and gave me a photo of it. The embryoligist handed a catheter to the doctor with my little embryo in it. She guided it into my uterus and implanted it. She gave me a pat on the leg and said she was hopeful for this one. We took a photo and I told her I hoped I didn't have to come back. I gave her an "O-H" (she is a fellow buckeye fan), she gave me an "I-O", we laughed and hugged and said goodbye to one another. I walked outside to where my friend was waiting and we headed out to the hotel so I could relax. It was nice, I didn't have a toddler to worry about, just me and my little embryo. I was pregnant until proven otherwise.

We headed back to Montana the next day. This is where the hard part starts. The wait. The "dreaded 2 week wait". I had an hcg test scheduled May 12 and another on the 14th. 9 days couldn't have gone by any slower than those days did. I promised myself I wouldn't take an early pregnancy test like I did last time (you can detect a pregnancy at home as early as 4 days past transfer). Testing early could provide false hope or even bring you to your lowest if you see a stark negative.

May 12th beta HCG day. Am I pregnant?
Here we go. I went to the VA to get my labs drawn. This is where my GYN/boss comes into play. He ordered my labs for me, therefore he knows them before anyone. His office is literally right beside where I work, but he was off that day. That didn't stop us. He logged in from home and messaged me right away. My number was 171! It was substantially higher than my first round (ended in a chemical msicarruage) number! I walked over to where my husband was (he works in a different department there). We cried together. We were optimistic, but still very guarded and didn't tell many.

May 14th second beta HCG day. This was the day we fell last time.

For a second beta test you want your number to at least double. If it doesn't, the pregnancy is not viable. This is what happened last time, and it was terrible. I went through the same routine of my blood draw. My boss was off this day also, but I knew it wouldn't stop him. Sure enough, he called me while I was working. At first, I thought he had terrible news as the inflection in his voice wasn't of excitement. He then went on to say "okay. I'm about to pull up your labs are you ready?!" He hadn't even  looked yet! Remember, this guy is an integral part in this journey and, as far as, I'm concerned he is part of my family and in this adventure with us. He read the results in an excited voice, "475, Jess!!!!!". I heard him get so excited he was stuttering and emotional! I was in shock. I was really pregnant!!!! My numbers more than doubled and it was a great sign for a viable pregnancy. He went on to explain some pregnancy stuff to me, as my provider and instructed me celebrate that weekend. I walked over to Chad where he was anxiously awaiting the news. He saw me coming and I could tell he was super nervous. I told him the number and he was floored! We cried and hugged. It was a moment to remember. I then faxed the results to my RE at the Fertility clinic and they called to congratulate me and go over some next steps.

The next steps were to get a 7 week ultrasound and establish care with an OB in the community (non VA). I called the best OB in town (experienced with IVF) and they said they'd look at my records and let me know if they would take me. I knew she wasn't taking many new patients so I wasn't sure if I'd get in with her or not, but it didn't take them long to let me know that they would take me. I was excited! They did go on to tell me that if something happened in the meantime that they couldn't see me, that the clinic in Spokane would be responsible for me. Okay, but nothing is going to happen....

In the days after, I noticed my husband not being as excited as I was. I confronted him about it and he explained that he had his wall up and was very scared. I truly understood, but I told him I needed more support than that to cause as less stress on me as possible. He agreed and his attitude started getting better.

The next day (Friday 5/21) he surprised me after work with dinner and 2 dozen roses. His mom was in town and agreed to watch our son. He said he wanted to celebrate our pregnancy and took me to a place I had been asking to go to. It was fancy and he had dressed up and made reservations. It was awesome. While eating dinner, his crown off of his front tooth popped off and shattered (he has fake teeth due to a roadside bomb in Iraq). He was embarrassed and in pain. I called the dentist and they said they could get him in first thing on Saturday. We went straight home. I felt so bad for him, but we always say that we can't do anything without a story. He got his tooth fixed that next morning and we had plans to relax throughout the weekend.

Sunday May 22.

We had a day of relaxing, the weather was horrible and it was snowing outside so we decided to take it easy. I was exhausted and even napped on the couch. My sister in law called me to check on me (our families knew right away- more on that later). I told her I was okay, but seemed to be a little nauseous. After I got off the phone with her, I noticed a wet feeling. I went to the restroom and my underwear had brown blood on them. Of course, I immediately freaked out and because I'm hypersensitive to everything in my body, I noticed my body was aching and cramps were starting. It felt like my period was about to start. I was terrified. I called my boss and he told me it was normal to spot during pregnancy.  I went to the restroom and started bleeding like crazy. I called my husband in and his face was pale. Obviously both of us very worried. I called my boss again. He advised me to go to the ER. I called the clinic and got the on call doc. He wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine when he said "the ER won't do anything". I was going for more peace of mind. I was 5 weeks 4 days pregnant (with ivf you can't get that wrong). At this time I was bleeding pretty good with some clots here and there. I was traumatized and so so worried.

They put me in a hospital bed (not a GYN bed) and said they were going to do blood work and get an ultrasound on me. I worried the whole time. My cramps were better but I was still bleeding. My husband and I sat in silence most of the visit. I did research on my phone searching for any hope and praying it wasn't a miscarriage. He was on his phone too, and come to find out, he was busy researching too. When the ultrasound tech came in, it was obvious we were a bother and she had been called in. She rushed the ultrasound and said very little. The doctor came in about 45 minutes later to tell me that they couldn't find the gestational sac and that they were 98% sure that I was going through an active miscarriage. I asked my hcg level and was told 19,000. Of course, we were in absolute shambles. We left the ER and the bleeding stopped. I bled for 3 hours and then with old blood...

The next day we told our families what was going on and took the day off work. My boss took another hcg test. It went up, but not substantially. My clinic called me and told me that they were sorry and to quit my meds.

Tuesday May 24

I walked into work and my boss asked me about doing another hcg and an ultrasound. He wanted to "see for himself". I thought, what's the worse that can happen? So I agreed. We both went to the appointment, not expecting a whole lot. As soon as the ultrasound began, he said "hmmm". We both looked at him and asked what was up. He found the gestational sac! He then said "see that flicker?!". He found a heartbeat! At this point I wasn't even 6 weeks, so hearing a heartbeat would be tough. Our baby was in there! What a flood of emotions and disbelief. All 3 of us were excited, but had our jaws on the ground in shock. We all became cautiously optimistic. My hcg also rose to 23,000 and some change. Something was obviously growing in there. He told me to call my clinic immediately. I did and they instructed me to double my medications asap.

Apparently that evening my boss and Dr. H from my clinic got to talking to one another on their cell phones and she told him without his intuition this would have ended in a loss since I had stopped my meds. Everyone was floored. She then gave me a call and told me that he is a true hero and thank God for him and his gut feeling. No one could believe it.

So, here we are, with yet another story. This journey is emotional as it is, but let's add some of the worst loops on a Rollercoaster as possible. At one point I felt like I was hanging upside down on a loop waiting for someone to bring me back or let me go. I have no other way to explain it.

In the next couple weeks, I had another ultrasound at 7weeks 2days and saw the baby and heard the heartbeat. The heartbeat was 150bpm and baby E measure exactly on track. I couldn't even believe it. I'm pregnant!

Fast forward and we announced to the world on my birthday at 10w6d. Every ultrasound has been great and baby is measuring right on track with a strong heartbeat!

Telling our family each step of the way was crazy. I just kept saying, "welcome to our crazy ride". We didn't even want to tell them what was going on from the beginning, but with IVF and our situation of needing help, nothing is a surprise. That being said, we are going to have at least one surprise and it will be the gender. No one will find out the gender until this little babe is born in January!

Someone pinch me, is this real?!?!

Moving forward...

 

On February 2^nd we did something that I thought we would never get to do. We transferred an embryo to my uterus for the very first time! It was every bit of incredible. Unfortunately, my husband couldn’t be by my side, but we made do with a video call.

They instructed me to come with a full bladder, so I did. When I got there, I was so nervous. So, along with a full bladder and a bundle of nerves, I paced the waiting room floor. 

When they called me back the ultrasound tech looked and told me my bladder was too full. I was mortified. Weird, right? Well, she told me that I would have to pee just a little bit. A little bit?! What does that even mean?! She gave me a cup and told me not to surpass the line. I laughed and she told me she believed in me. I thought for sure I was just going to pee everywhere because I was so uncomfortable and needed to relieve myself so badly. Miraculously, I did it.

When I came back in the room, I was greeted by the doctor and she handed me a photo of the embryo that we would be transferring. The embryologist was also in the room. Then, they put the embryo on the screen in front of me and the embryologist said it was hatching! It looked much different then the photo and the embryologist said, “you don’t get any better than this one!”. I was amazed. They sucked it up in a catheter and I watched the ultrasound as the catheter went into the lining of my uterus. She burrowed into my uterus about 18.3mm. I had a monstrous lining, which was unheard of amongst my IVF support groups. It was 23.6mm and I was so grateful (most times thin linings are the issue). After she got it where she wanted, she brought the catheter out and the embryologist examined it to make sure the embryo came out. It had. The transfer had taken place. So with toe warmers in my socks and heated insoles (they say to keep your feet warm – it makes for a warm uterus), I got dressed and hurried to pee. The procedure took about 10 minutes. It was emotional and now I was pregnant until proven otherwise. I had an embryo in my uterus!

I walked outside, there my husband was waiting for me. We hugged and cried. We went back to the hotel and I took it easy for the next couple days.

Now the wait had started. I was hypersensitive to every little thing happening in my body. I would feel flutters and cramps, twinges, and nausea. As the days went by, I became more and more nervous. One night I had cramps so hard that I thought for sure I would be starting my period. I didn’t. 

I am actively involved in IVF support groups and lots of women start testing around 4 days past transfer and get a positive. They don’t necessarily like for you to test that soon, but a pregnancy test is a good indication on what the blood test might say.  I began testing on 4 days past transfer and it was a negative. I knew it was too soon, but it left an empty pit in my stomach. My husband didn’t know I could even test early because I wanted to surprise him. I tested two days later and got a positive. This was the first positive I have EVER seen in my life. I was elated and shaking at the sight of that second line! I quickly figured out a way to surprise C and he was over the moon! Cautiously, of course, but still happy. I tested again on day 8 and then again, the night before my blood test. I used a digital test the night before because digital tests require more HCG. It was positive. I was over-the-moon.

February 11^th came, and I got my blood results. 66 (anything over 5 is pregnant) and they were looking for over 50! My clinic called congratulating me. I was PREGNANT!! I was OVER THE MOON EXCITED. I couldn’t wait to start telling my family. The only family that knew that we transferred was my brother and sister-in-law, so they were expecting a call from me with my test results. I called and they were crying, as was I. This is something I’ve been trying to do for 11 years of my life. I was elated and in absolute SHOCK.

My clinic told me to keep taking my meds and we would check the HCG levels again in 4 days to make sure they were rising “accordingly”. I already knew what that meant because I have researched, and I have supporters who have been through this before. They wanted the number to double. I booked mine and Chad’s flights to Ohio to tell my family and we started planning how we were going to tell them. I bought embryo art so I could give them a photo of their fourth grandbaby that was on the way. We used the excuse of my husband being in between jobs to plan a visit. They had no idea. I was sure the second blood test would be doubled.

Over the next couple days, I was living on cloud nine. I was truly at the highest point of the tallest mountain. Before that first blood test, I refused to even believe that I was actually pregnant, so when the blood test came, I was elated.

Then. 

February 15^th came. It was the longest day of my life. I went in at 8am to do the blood draw. I didn’t get a call until almost 5pm. I was on edge all day long and emotional as can be. It seemed like it was a lifetime of waiting the unknown and just being scared. I kept going back and forth in my mind with both positive and very negative thoughts. I was over analyzing everything. At this point, I was 4 weeks pregnant and should be feeling some kind of way. I was not. I was just really tired and constantly hungry. The nurse called and told me the number of the blood test…it was only 73. It should have been at least 120. It was not. She called it “concerning”. I hurried off the phone and just cried. I knew this wasn’t going to be a viable pregnancy. I was asked to do another blood test in 2 days.

My poor husband didn’t know what to do. He was trying his best to be positive and hug and kiss me as much as possible, but that’s not what I wanted. I wanted the outcome to be different. I wanted to carry this baby to term. I was ANGRY. How is this even fair? He had some of the same concerns that I did. Everything had been so perfect with this process; how did this happen? How is the embryo not striving in my body. A body that we had been told is amazing and on track? Because - because it's my body and it's not perfect or amazing, I'm a failure. I profusely apologized to him, knowingly there wasn't one thing I could have done differently for a better outcome, yet I still felt responsible. All he wanted to do was fix it for me. I understood, but I also know that it’s not up to us - it's up to God. There wasn't one thing that anyone could say or do to make this go away. 

I prayed and I prayed hard in the days after I learned the bad news. I prayed for some miraculous turn around in hopes that my embryo would stick around. I cried and I cried. 

When Feb 17^th came, I was beginning to feel some peace. I cannot explain it. I guess I just know how to get kicked in the face and get back up again. It’s like the world is playing against me when it comes to infertility. I decided no matter the outcome, I needed to press forward and try again. Without trying again, we cannot move forward. If the door gets shut, then so be it, but at least we tried and we can't look back and say "what if". 

My results on the 17^th showed that my level dropped. Now it was 67. It went from 66 to 73 to 67. The pregnancy was not viable, resulting in a biochemical pregnancy, or an early miscarriage. Either way you look at it, it just wasn’t going to result in a live birth. 

While a biochemical pregnancy is very common, it wasn't common to me. I was told that this happens in a natural state to many women. Sometimes these women don't even know they are pregnant to begin with and then their cycle starts. We knew that it happened to me because I am monitored so closely. 

So, within 4 days, my world went from being to the highest point of my life to the lowest of low. I was defeated in a matter of days.

That song, "You Say" by Lauren Daigle is how I felt... 

"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough, Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up. Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low...You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing, You say I am strong when I think I am weak..."

But then, the song continues...

 "...Taking all I have, and now I'm laying it at Your feet. You have every failure, God, You have every victory..."

All I have is my faith, which is all I need. I am worthy. I do deserve this. I will prevail and hopefully I am a beacon of light to those who are in my shoes. This journey is not easy and it is not for the weak, therefore I am strong. Moving forward is sometimes the hardest part, but I know God has bigger plans for us. 

The good out of all of this is that we know it is possible for me to get pregnant, which is something we thought was impossible, and that - that is a victory in my book.

We decided we were still going to go to Ohio to see my family, as I needed the visit. I needed my parents to hold me and let me cry. To see me and understand what is going on in my life. Their support in my life is absolutely needed and not being able to discuss any of this prior, was killing me. 

I cannot thank my husband, friends and family enough for keeping me grounded and keeping my head above water. No one can come up with the "right" words to say to make me feel better, but I promise, every single one of "my tribe" has tried their very best. I know that they all care very much about me. 

I couldn't imagine being like the rest of the IVF patients and paying upwards to 15-20k for one round and failing like I have. My heart goes out to you. We, however, are blessed to have more opportunities to complete our family, without creating financial hardship, and for that, I'm forever grateful.

Focus on the good.

~Jess

 

 

IVF Got this

Well,

Here we are, we are well underway with our IVF treatment. It's been a process, a process that the majority of people don't understand. It's also been a fight of advocating for myself. 

Hang in there, with me on this post. It's a bit of a rant, and may be all over the place...

Our clinic is in Spokane, Washington, which is 5 hours from where we live. Of course, I have lots of appointments, so I can't just drop everything and go to Spokane when I have an appointment. That being said, I have local appointments which consist of blood work and dates with "Wanda" at the ultrasound place. I also have to work with the VA for my medications. There are lots of folks involved in this process and even those folks don't understand. I've had to explain that my meds are timely, so don't mail them to me (over and over and over again). I've had to call labs and the imaging folks to ask where my "stat" results were, hours after the appointments. I've had to call insurance to remind them to work with the VA to cover my husband's semen analysis. It's been pretty messy, but what isn't when it comes to infertility? I've been doing this long enough. I've learned to expect people to not understand, therefore expect people to not live up to my expectations. Which, is dumb. A STAT lab should be faxed over STAT! Or, how about this...if an order is sent to a lab, for said stat lab, that they cannot fulfill, then why not contact the patient asap to let them know they need to go elsewhere? So why expect people to do their jobs? Because I've been let down too many times. 

Our clinic, on the other hand, has been amazing. They obviously deal with this stuff, regularly. They're even sensitive to feelings. Yes, feelings. Even without COVID, you cannot bring your kiddos to the appointments. This is in order to be sensitive to the women (and men) struggling with infertility, which is admirable. 

When I go to the ultrasound place, there are babies pictured everywhere and "welcome to motherhood" gift bags and teddy bears with heart beat boxes for patients that are pregnant. There's not a stuffed needle or embryo saying "good luck with IVF". Not that I would expect that, but hey, not every patient is in there celebrating a pregnancy. 

Admittedly, dealing with infertility has gotten better since the adoption of our son. Little M has helped me more than he, or anyone, could comprehend. However, about 6 months ago I started feeling guilty about him not having a sibling around. Something that I didn't have the ability to give him. Now that door is possibly opened and I'm hoping we get to walk through it, hand in hand. 

I still cry at pregnancy announcements, or hide posts on social media, because it just hurts too much to see. Although, very happy for that family, still wanting it for myself. I've described it before as a very strange, very hard feeling- of which I hate.

A punch to the gut, was just right before Christmas. I was wearing a hoodie and had stuffed a sippy cup in my front pocket. While in Walmart a woman asked M what he wanted for Christmas. Then she proceeded to ask him if he was wanting "a little brother or sister", while eyeballing me! I was taken back because, if you know me, I'm thin and I've NEVER had anyone assume I was pregnant. I didn't really know what to say and with some sass, I said, "maybe one day" and frantically walked away. I just couldn't believe what I had heard. It hurt.

So, I'm hanging in there.

I know I'm a bit all over with this post, but maybe I should update you about the process that we are undergoing. 

When beginning IVF I had a teleconference with my entire family about how it worked. They all live in Ohio and with us in Montana, my dad suggested we have a zoom meeting to better understand what we were about to undergo. Remember? Not many understand. 

The bloodwork and the monitoring began. I was told I had to start taking birth control for 3 weeks before I could even start my other medications. It's a funny thing, going to the pharmacy window asking for pre-natal vitamins and birth control. It's also an odd thing to be on birth control when you're trying to get pregnant. I had to take birth control in order to suppress my ovaries before starting my injections to stimulate my ovaries. The goal was to retrieve as many eggs as possible to create as many embryos as possible. By stimulating my ovaries, it forces my body to grow follicles in order to push those eggs out. The doctor would then go in and retrieve the eggs through a huge needle, piecing the vaginal wall. Fascinating, right?! haha.

In the meantime, I would have to travel to Spokane for another appointment to do an SIS. They basically go in and put saline in your uterus to see what they are working with....like you know, no polyps, cysts or surprises. They also needed to do a mock transfer, where they had to use a cathedar to figure out my curves and turns in order to prep for the transfer of the embryo. That sounded like a walk in the park. It was okay until they couldn't find my cervix. That was painful. A 10 minute procedure turned into 25 minutes. They started the SIS and then the cathedar came out and they had to put the speculum back in and re-do it. It wasn't the worst experience I have been through, but it wasn't the easiest, that's for sure. They had a field full of flowers taped to the ceiling with "stay strong" written on it. I just tried to imagine that I was in that place, and it helped. When I was finished with that, I had to go over injection training with the nurse, in some awkward conference room. I tried to comprehend what she was saying, but there were so much information.

The arrival of my other medications.... Wow. What a day. So. Many. Injections. It was terrifying, exciting, and a bit overwhelming. I bought a series of organizers and started figuring it all out. I have absolutely ZERO clinical background, which is weird because I work in a hospital- ha. That being said, I went over our injection training like fifty time. I watched video after video. I had so much anxiety. 

The first day of my injections, I thought I could do it on my own. I had done injections before, years ago, but those where in a pen that was more like a diabetic blood test needle. These. These were  syringes and I would have to MIX medication. I was a nervous wreck! I didn't want to mess something up, or worse, contaminate the needle. You know, because they really preach on making sure you use lots of alcohol pads and not touch things and so on and so forth. Once I got past all of that stuff, then I could pinch my (very little) skin and proceed with an injection into my stomach. Okay, I got this. Phew, yeah right. The first one I did, I about fainted. I had 2 to do that night. My husband laughed (I think he expected me to be tough, like I usually am). I cried, and then he understood that I was having a hard time. He volunteered to do the next one. I was petrified. If you know my husband, he often talks about how big his hands are and how he is ogre-like. Okay, so now I want Shrek to give me a shot? I'm obviously bothered by needles, but crap, I really have no option. So sure. I let him do it. We cried after, but it went great- the first day. After that, I mixed the meds, he "stabbed". One day, he stabbed me twice and almost immediately denied it. He then told me it bounced. We laughed. Then every day for over a week we did 2 shots, and every one of them seemed different. I had a panic attack once and cried a lot. The pain of the burn was too much sometimes. I didn't understand why I felt so much pain, when in my IVF groups these stims were such a breeze for people. Then, one day after a monitoring appointment, I got the call at 1 in the afternoon that I would have to add a third shot and I would have to do it NOW. My husband wasn't home. I was going to have to do this on my own. I was in full panic. After lots of heavy breathing or whatever, I finally just bucked up and did it. It was awful. The plunger was moving way too slow and I caught myself holding my breath. I did it though. Called my husband after to let him know I survived. That particular injection always had a bug bite reaction and I bruised from most of them. We went through 20 injections leading up to egg retrieval. We did 20 injections in 8 days. Always in my stomach, but alternating sides. I looked like a bruised up pin cushion. 

Then, egg retrieval day. My husband had to go in and do his part (he has it so easy!) while I waited outside with M. Then, I would have to go in and get prepped and ready to go. It was a science of EXACT timing. I sat in the car panicking because it was 7:50am and I was to be in there by 8am. What the heck was taking him so long?! He had been in there 20 minutes. When he came out he started laughing. Told me how the nurse that came to get him was probably the most burly man they could have found and how the room he went in was awkward. He could hear all of the nurses giggling and talking - I guess all of that killed the mood. HA! Then, I went in. Of course, COVID, so I had to go in by myself. I was really excited. I was super bloated and had even put on 10 pounds. I was feeling like a chicken and was ready to get those eggs out of there. The staff was incredibly kind and the Doctor was amazing. She came in and asked me what kind of music I liked, because she always plays music for her patience in the back when doing egg retrievals. I asked for country and the first song that played was "Big Big plans" which I thought was so fitting. The surgery for egg retrieval is like none I've ever had before. I walked into the room (not wheeled) and the room was very dark. I was told it was dark because the eggs are very sensitive to light (they're sensitive to smell too - so I didn't have any kinds of scent on me). Then there was a window in the room, that's where the embryologist was. The doctor would extract the eggs and then hand them to the embryologist through the window.  When I laid down on the table I had nurses all around me massaging my feet, arms, head, etc. The Doctor was holding my hand. The anesthesiologist was behind my head and he was reassuring me that this was going to be "like driving a Cadillac" and to not worry about a thing. I remember getting dizzy and then closing my eyes. Then I remember waking up. They came to tell me the report. I had 26 eggs retrieved! Pretty awesome number. I was to then go and get salty food, drink lots of Gatorade, and measure my belly for swelling. They were worried about my ovaries being over-stimulated and me getting OHSS. This is why we wouldn't/couldn't do a fresh transfer of embryos. I had to let my body come off of the medications and recover a bit before moving on to transfer. 

The next day we would find out how many mature eggs and how many eggs were fertilized. We got 16 mature and 8 fertilized. Now the waiting began...5 more days until we know how many embryos we would get! We got the call that out of the 8 fertilized, we got 2 "really good embryos" that made it to freeze! That was great news! We have the potential of having two children from those 2 embryos!

So when do we transfer the embryos? Will we do one or will we do two? 

Well, time will tell. We will only transfer one embryo at a time while the other one "stays on ice". 

So, for now, we wait. When the time is right, we will start prepping my body for pregnancy and then transfer the embryo. 

It's exciting, yet terrifying. I'm cautiously optimistic, because...I've been let down before. So, pray for us. Pray for a sticky baby and a healthy pregnancy. Pray for a positive mindset. Pray for my sanity, and maybe even more for my husband's sanity...because...my hormones are insane. 

IVF got this! :) 

-Jess

Approved!

 Just 3 months ago, I blogged to update everyone.

At the end of that blog, I said – “Possibly IVF. Possibly another adoption…only time will tell”. Well, here we are, and time has told us!

As most of you know, I served in the Army for 5 years and as most of you know, I have had this ongoing battle with infertility. With that being said, I have been identified as being “service connected” for my PCOS along with a few other things that have been linked to me not being able to have children. What does that mean? It means the Veteran’s Benefit Administration has found that being in the Army has directly impacted me to the point of having some issues reproducing. Okay…so what does that mean? That means, the VA has recognized that it is/could be the military’s fault for contributing to my infertility, therefore they will pay for treatments for me to have children.

Towards the end of June, I received the notice that my infertility was service connected. Immediately, when my GYN found out, he, along with the MT VA Women’s Health staff submitted a packet to National VA for my husband and I to receive IVF treatment. This was huge. This meant I could possibly be approved for a round of IVF that would be completely covered by insurance. IVF is the one procedure I’ve had my eyes on for a long time, but unfortunately could never afford it, considering the risk of the procedure and it not working the first time.  I wasn’t super hopeful. I knew the chances of us getting approved for IVF was next to impossible, as there had only been one Veteran (male) that had been approved in Montana – ever.

Weeks went by and my hopes were dwindling. My doctor reassured me that we had a wonderful case and he was super optimistic. The women’s health coordinator was also very hopeful, but it didn’t keep me from building my wall to protect myself.

Then, out of nowhere, I get a call.  It’s a number that I didn’t recognize, so I let it go to voicemail. I then see it ring again, same number. It’s Friday at 5pm, who could it possibly be? I’m in a store and I really do not want to answer while juggling a toddler, but I do. Maybe it’s important? The lady on the other end starts talking and my son starts screaming. At first, I couldn’t really understand what she was saying over the screams of my toddler, so she repeats what she says. She is calling form the Montana VA (remember, it’s Friday and past closing time at this point). She tells me she is calling me before she goes on vacation next week to let me know that National has approved my IVF packet! I am in instant tears. She then says, it’s THREE rounds over my lifetime. THREE!  I cannot believe what I am hearing. I am so thankful for this nurse who stayed longer on a Friday so she could tell me the good news as soon as possible. I was just in awe.

After hearing the news, I knew I needed to do something special to tell my husband. The night before we were talking about an article I had read. It was about elephants and how they are amazing mothers who wait long periods of time before meeting their young. I had told him that must be the reason I really like elephants. So, I start looking around to see if I could find anything elephant-like. I find a card with an elephant on it and an elephant figurine. Perfect! I then get in my car and immediately call my GYN. I have his personal number because he is my boss (ha). He thought I had butt-dialed him by mistake and didn’t pick up. Remember, it’s Friday evening. He then called me back and we celebrated over the phone! He told me to stop my medication immediately (which was nice – I was on day 1 of my cycle). I drove to my husband’s work and asked him to come to the parking lot. I gave him the elephant and the card with “I love you no matter how many we add to our tribe, we are approved for IVF!” on the inside. He was in tears now too. We would never imagine the VA stepping in and taking care of us like this…covering 3 IVF treatments. That’s nearly $45-60k, of which we do not have.  What a blessing.

I cannot thank my VSO with the VBA and the MT Women’s Health team at the MT VA enough for their hard work on getting us the approval we need to grow our family. I am happy to say that I am the second Veteran (FIRST female), in the state of Montana to ever be approved for IVF. We are anxious and nervous, but very excited to get the ball rolling! Our treatment will be in Spokane, Washington with Seattle Reproductive Medicine.

Here’s to the much-needed good news and hope for a brother or sister for our little man.

With love,

Jess

Still struggling...

I remember building this blog to help other women and I guess have since stopped blogging. I felt as if I had reached my personal goal of having a child, therefore, women would look at this in…spite?  My fear of jealousy from those who had been in my shoes took me away from this blog. However, I have realized that I’m still on this journey and I've been called to be real and raw. So here I am. I'm back...

Although I have the most beautiful little boy in the entire world, the truth is, I still struggle. I struggle with not biologically being able to carry a child. I don’t struggle near as much as I did in the past, but here we are. M is 2 now and we are wanting him to have a little brother or sister.

So, let’s back up a bit and jump into this thing feet first…

When I was on active duty in the Army, I tore my labrum on my left hip and had surgery in 2016 to repair it. After the surgery was performed, I was told I would probably tear it again. 

In 2018 the doctor did an MRI on my hip to check for tears, as I was experiencing some pain and figured I had just torn it again. The MRI results came in and I had a 2cm cyst on/near my left ovary. After a lot of back and forth on whether the cyst was dangerous or not and a ton of lab work later, I asked to be referred elsewhere. The next doctor took one look and said that the cyst needed to be removed.

October 2018, I had the surgery to remove the cyst. I had been told it was 2cm, however, it was about twice the size they had originally anticipated. I had also lost a lot of blood and was having a really hard time coming off anesthesia. I remember, vaguely, waking up to a sternum rub. I had apparently passed out in the middle of a sentence. The entire thing was rough. At my follow up appointment, I was told that I “possibly had PCOS”, and I have endometriosis. She told me my ovaries were 3 times the size of normal ovaries and wanted to monitor me.

Fast forward…

January/February 2020…

I started seeing a new OB/GYN. He is absolutely incredible, and I mean that from the depths of my sole. I wish I could have been seeing him for the entire eleven years that I have been doing this. We started doing the work up from square one and he started me on femara for ovulation purposes and sent me with instructions for timed intercourse. He did confirm that I have PCOS from lab work and prescribed me metformin along with progesterone to help with my endometriosis.

In the meantime, I had another MRI done on my hip due to excruciating pain on that left side…again. I thought for sure I had torn my hip. I had even been doing physical therapy, as recommended. The MRI results came back, and would you take a look- another cyst on that same side (but no tear!). 

My OB looked at my MRI results and couldn’t believe it. This thing was 7.6cm long…SEVEN…almost 8. What. He told me he likes to operate at 8-9cm and was suggesting we operate sooner than later. However, our friend COVID-19 had shown up and they were only doing absolute emergent cases only. He ordered ultrasounds. Both external, and intervaginal. Talk about painful. We found that the cyst wasn’t cancerous as far as they could tell. I was told that we would continue to monitor to make sure it wasn’t growing. He thought the cyst may have shown up due to the ovulation medications.

Over the next month or two I started feeling some cramping on that left side, however one night I had cramps that would come and go and last 15-30 seconds at a time that would completely take my breath away. I thought it was maybe trying to burst, but figured it was time to tell my doctor. He told me to give it 24 hours and see how I felt. That night, the same thing happened, except even more pain. I came into work and called my doctor- he instructed me to not eat or drink anything, he was taking me to surgery that same day. He was worried about my ovary twisting and cutting off blood supply, which, in turn is very dangerous. 

He took me to surgery, and it lasted longer than anticipated. With COVID19 measures in place, my husband wasn’t allowed to come back with me, nor was he able to be there when I woke up. I couldn’t imagine how freaked out he was, or how my family was feeling for that matter. Dr. M even left the hospital and went to my husband’s truck in the parking lot to give him the update on my condition.

Before the surgery he had told us that he would call my husband if he thought he had to remove anything, however, he had to remove my fallopian tube- without question. My left fallopian tube was the mass that was indicated on my MRI along with 3 other cysts. I had one on my ovary, one on my fallopian tube, and one in my fallopian tube. The tube was extremely matted, and it was attaching itself to my pelvic wall and my large intestine. It was beginning to twist, therefore causing me pain and starting to cut off blood flow. Also, it was impinging on my sciatic nerve, which would explain the numbness. My ovary was also engulfed by my tube, but he was able to save it. He ran the blue dye through my tubes during the surgery to check function, and the left one wouldn’t even drip out. My right one was fine. The bad tube looked like a mangled potato that had bumps all over it. The bumps were caused by my endometriosis with the blood spilling out of my tubes from menstruation. It didn’t even look like a tube. It was gnarly (I saw pictures). He told me that it had been like that for years. I bet you could imagine how upset I was, that 2 years ago, those folks didn’t say a word or blink an eye. They didn’t even run dye through my tubes, knowing I was trying to conceive. Furthermore, Dr. M told me that I needed to pursue genetic testing because my “insides were stretchy”.  Someone who has this certain genetic condition can have trouble embedding a fertilized egg, therefore will struggle with infertility. If all of that wasn’t enough…I also have a very soft uterus. A uterus is a muscle; therefore, it should be firm and feel more like a chin...mine feels like the tip of your nose. My uterus is shaped differently with a slight indent, causing more surface area to bleed from with my endometriosis as well as a new diagnosis of adenomyosis. The things that will help with all of that is a hysterectomy, but that’s not an option right now. The list of stuff that is against me is way longer than the list that I have in my favor. 

My “unexplained infertility” has been debunked.

Deep breath. That’s a lot.

That’s a lot of answers to questions I’ve had for a very long time. That’s a lot of answers I didn’t want to hear. I feel broken. I feel like a failure in my own world. I only want a fix. I developed this way; I don’t get to have a fix. We can try, but there’s no guarantee. He did say that without that crazy fallopian tube in there, my odds increased for conception. There’s hope, but it didn’t and still doesn’t keep me from breaking down and crying. I’ve lost something of mine that I thought was going to help make a baby. I know that I’m better without it, but it doesn’t hurt any less. With every item that comes up that’s “not in my favor” makes me cringe and causes me to burry my head in the sand even further. 

So…moving forward. 

Ovulation drugs (because, well-PCOS) and timed intercourse for now. Possibly IVF, possibly another adoption. 

Only time will tell…

~Jess

The Adoption Part 1

It's been several months since I have updated this thing (yet again), and to be honest, it's been a whirlwind! Wow!

So, my last blog post I talked about our decision to ditch the fertility treatments and move towards adoption. Well, let me begin where I left off...

After discussing adoption with our families, we announced to Facebook land that we were "hoping" to adopt at the beginning of September. After not being able to achieve a positive pregnancy month after month and year after year, we knew it was time to turn to God and go down the path that He directed us. Knowing that it could possibly be years before we were even selected for an infant, we still were very excited to announce the news that we had started this amazing, yet very fearful process.

September was full of paperwork, finance reviews, doctor appointments, home visits, extensive background checks, hours of required reading and videos. It was full of questions like, How will we pay for this? How long will this take? What else can we do to speed this along? It was full of emotion, doubt, happiness, excitement, and frustration.  It was a month of literally trying to get a license to be a parent. It was stressful, to say the least. We were "paper pregnant" and just sitting back waiting to be told what to do next and who to go see for the adoption agency to move forward on our case.

October came around and we were still in the ever so lengthy process of just getting on a list to adopt. It was an emotional roller coaster, but we still had the excitement of possibly adopting a little one!

Then there were tears...

I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when the morning of October 29th came around. I say the 29th because that's when I finally saw the message. She had sent it on the 28th, but C and I were out of the service area camping in the mountains and hunting for elk. I am sure she squirmed in her seat for those 24 hours that passed without me answering because I totally would have!

When my phone alerted me of a message, I was sitting in the backseat of a friends truck. My husband in the passenger seat and our friend in the drivers seat. I was staring at a herd of ~150 elk that were on private property. I was wearing my camouflage and orange sweatshirt, holding a 30-06 rifle, hoping that they'd cross the property lines onto state so we could put some meat in the freezer. Okay, so what, you say. That message was that important that I remember it with that much detail.

It was a childhood friend of mine that reached out to us. The first few sentences brought tears to my eyes. She was like an angel that had been sent to me from Heaven. I just couldn't believe that she reached out to me. I read it silently then handed the phone to my husband. He read it and looked back at me and said, "wow".  A few minutes went by until my husband said anything else. He turned to his friend and said, "someone wants us to adopt their baby". I don't remember what else was said, I just know that there were some tears involved and we couldn't stop talking about the possibilities.

She was seven months pregnant when she reached out to us. Her baby was due January 11th. Holy cow!  I don't exactly remember what I said, but I sent her a message back telling her that we would like to discuss things and get back to her. She understood. Just because we were ready to adopt didn't mean that we didn't have things to discuss as a couple, especially since now we would personally know the birth mother - this would throw some challenges our way. We couldn't even concentrate on our hunt that day. We were both so excited, my husband more so than me. I could tell I had my guard up, as I didn't want to be hurt again. 

We went home that night and just talked. We talked and talked and talked. We didn't talk about anything other than this unborn child. She knew the gender, but we elected not to know until we decided on what we should/could do.  We prayed that night, asking for wisdom and guidance. It took us maybe 24 hours to come to the conclusion of, yes, we will adopt this child.

I honestly don't remember how S, my friend, and my conversations went from there, I just know we had to get the ball rolling and rolling quickly.

My dream of a lifetime was trying to come true. As a whole, we were over the moon with excitement. However, I, personally, was still somewhat reluctant because I was afraid. Afraid of being hurt and heart broken like the many times before.

The next work day C immediately started doing more research and contacting attorneys in Montana and Ohio. This now would become an interstate private adoption, as it would cut out the agency's search and the baby would be born in Ohio with us living in Montana. There were many things left to accomplish, but by being persistence enough, it would hopefully kick things into a higher gear. The agency that we were working with couldn't believe our news, but they really started to move quicker on things. We got our home-study finalized and most of our fingerprints/background searches back. (We were both military so they needed one for every state that we had lived in since we were 18! It ended up being like 15 states total...).

Nearly every attorney in Ohio that C reached out to refused to do an interstate adoption, the last on the list was our last hope and she agreed to take on the challenge!  Moving on to Montana, we ran in to the same thing! We finally found one that would help us, but she was reluctant. It was nerve wracking! We had now hired 2 lawyers and an agency to help us in this just to find out that we needed one more lawyer. We were to pay for the birth mother and father's lawyer. That's three lawyers and an agency. That's four entities that we were financially responsible for. FOUR.

We quickly came to realize that this would be a very expensive process, which we knew, but didn't really know. We were panicking. No idea where we would get this money from or how. Sure, we both had full time jobs, but we don't make enough to fork out that amount of cash in such little time. (If it had been over a longer period of time, like we were expecting, we could have handled it; but babies don't wait for us to be financially stable!). I, being the "finance manager", as my husband says, crunched some numbers and finally decided that we needed to ask for some help. We aren't the type to ask for help, but in order to get this thing done we had to at least reach out and try.  Boy, was that hard to do. It did a number to our pride, but it takes a village, right? We not only needed help on those expenses, but now, travel expenses. How will we get across the country to pick the baby up? Or stay in a hotel? I kept reassuring C (and myself) that this stupid money thing would just be a drop in a bucket once we were holding our baby. My mom mentioned setting up a GoFundMe account and soon thereafter did. We had a great turn out of many friends and family who donated! It really helped and we were (and still are) very grateful!

Of course the, "what if she changes her mind?" question came up many many times. Not only between C and I, but it came from our family and friends. It was something we ran by our lawyers. Even after the money is forked out, she still had, by law, 72, seventy two hours to change her mind after the baby was born; that's THREE DAYS. The money would not be refunded and we would be empty handed and probably in debt. It was a risk we had to take, however, what helped me the most is S bringing up this situation. She had told me more than once that she wasn't changing her mind. The baby was to go home with us. It was helpful to hear her tell us that, but it's always a thought that lingers in the back of your mind. She had told us to go ahead and get the nursery ready. We hadn't purchased anything but one outfit. It was a gender neutral outfit that I had bought when we decided on adoption. It was time to find out the baby's gender and it was time to hustle on getting prepared for this baby!

We requested S to send us a sealed envelope of the baby's gender so we could do a gender reveal. My husband kept telling people that he wanted to do this just as if I were pregnant. He knew how important this was to me and wanted it to be just as special. Out of respect of S and so many of our mutual friends, we hadn't really told anyone that we had found a baby. Our closest of friends and family were the only ones that knew anything. I made up a special group for our gender reveal and made sure we did a live feed of the event. So, with the help of our friend (the very first one to know anything) we had an explosive target set up with blue or pink colored powder inside to shoot at. My husband took out his rifle and went to work. We were so incredibly nervous. With C already having a daughter, we were secretly hoping for a boy, but we would be happy either way! Boom. The first round was shot. No explosion, but he nicked the bag of powder (thank goodness! to his defense, his rifle wasn't zeroed in at 100 yards hahaha) and a blue cloud appeared!! We were overjoyed! We both cried, hugged each other, jumped for joy, and smiled the biggest smile of happiness. We were getting a little BOY! Malachi Samuel. 

To be continued...

Click for Our video announcement.....