Stand Still.

Here we are. It's Wednesday.

From my last post, you know that this is our final month of trying for a while due to some unforeseen circumstances with my husband and the military (see post "Never Lose Hope"). Month 28.

I went to the doctor to be monitored and to have another exam early Sunday morning. I had lowered my dosage like he had asked and was in high hopes for great results. He took a look and really couldn't believe how much my follicles had grown. I proceeded to ask if he could see the eggs or how he knew how many eggs I would produce. He told me that he couldn't see the eggs, he could only see the follicles which basically harbor the eggs. The bigger the follicle, the more likely an egg will develop. I could tell how reluctant he was and I knew he didn't like the fact that he started me on 75 IUIs right out of the gate. He was worried I'd develop too many eggs. He went ahead and instructed me to take 50 IUIs over the next three days, to go get blood work (like every time before) and that he'd see me on Wednesday. He also instructed me to be sure to have my phone on me, just in case he needed to lower my follistim injection dosage.

E and I left the office on Sunday with the highest hopes that I would develop the two-three eggs that he wanted me to develop and we would actually have the wonderful opportunity to see two pink lines. I had stuck myself for the last 7 days, each time taking 30 seconds to talk myself into it and to say "this will be worth it". As we were pulling into the driveway after the hour and a half drive to the doctor I received a phone call. The Dr had reviewed my labs and he said he needed to lower my dosage. Each day going down by one click on the follistim pen and ending at 25 IUIs on Tuesday evening. I thought, wow! He's super scared of me developing too many eggs and if my math was correct I would be taking LESS total medication then I did the first round of injections. How in the world will that work!?! I got discouraged and thought I wouldn't develop the eggs he wanted me to, but I followed the doctors orders. I took 47, 38, and 25 IUIS over the next three days and had crazy hormones with intense sense of smell!

I went to the doctor today as instructed for my monitoring. I made the long journey by myself. I left a half an hour earlier then normal and fought all the rush hour traffic (like a boss). I was super early so I decided to use the restroom and take my time getting up to the doctors office. When I finally got up to the office the receptionist asked me to update my information, I thought it was kind of strange, but convinced myself that it was probably due to the new year. I didn't know. I then saw the doctor escort a patient back and he had his scrubs on with his hair net thing (I don't know what those are called) and his shoe protectors on. That was odd, as I had never seen him in such attire before. I then realized what was going on, the patients husband had been called back and he had just done either an IUI, IVF, or a laparoscopy procedure. I mean, I narrowed it down to IUI or IVF because of the expression and hope on the husbands face. I took it all in and watched as the remaining patients were called back and I was the only one left in the waiting room.

I was finally called back. I was told to take my bottoms off and to leave a sample. Say what!? I had never had to leave a sample before and I had just used the restroom. Hopefully I can manage to give a sample! I was able to and I did as I was instructed and waited for the doctor to come back to see me.

He and the nurse came in, both in scrubs. At least he didn't have his hair net or shoe things on anymore because then I would really be freaked out! He took a look and didn't seem very happy to see what he was seeing. While doing the exam I noticed that the measurements he was reading aloud for the nurse to record were larger then they had ever been and there were a lot more of them. He had also confirmed what type of insurance I had and inquired about my job all while doing a very uncomfortable exam. I told him I worked from home and he seemed a bit more relieved. As he went on I realized he wasn't at all happy with what he was seeing. My follicles towards the end of a round of injections would usually measure around 18 mm and only one or two. Mine were ranging from 14-21mm, but mainly 18-21 and at least 10 total were measuring at that size. I'm not a doctor an expert or anything but I from what he told me on Sunday I knew having that many big follicles wasn't a good sign. He finished the exam, asked me to get dressed and head to his office.

I got dressed and all I wanted to do was cry. I knew something was wrong just by his expression and questions. This guy never asked personable questions about anything, let alone my job?! He had always been interested in getting me in and out and doing it correct, nothing more, nothing less.

I went to his office where I sat and he sat calculating my medication and trying to find words to talk to me with. Like that awkward moment of "I have to tell you something, but you're not going to like it". My nerves were shot. I didn't have E with me and I didn't know what he was going to say.

He took a look at me and started by saying, "You have too many eggs." and he was talking like 20-30 eggs! Immediately my mind raced and disappointment came over me. He then started in by saying, "BUT we have three options". I listed to his options and found hope in one of them. His options went like this: 1) Have intercourse (not recommended due to how dangerous it could be for my body and a baby or babies). 2) Abstain and do nothing and try again next cycle or 3) have a procedure TOMORROW where they would put me to sleep and suck out the follicles and leave just three eggs and go ahead and try with the hsg shot to trigger ovulation. I looked at him and immediately asked what kinds of risked were involved with the procedure. He told me that the only risk would be the anesthesia. He said that they basically do the same thing that they do for harboring IVF eggs and go into my abdominal cavity with a needle and take the eggs and just "throw them away" instead of keep them.  He told me that it would only take a day to recover, however, E would need to be there to drive me home. Wait, he said, "THROW THEM AWAY". Woah. He could tell how upset I was and asked me to talk it over with E and call him by 3pm to let him know our decision. In the meantime I still had to go to the lab to get my blood drawn again (yes, I have lovely bruises on my arms from how many times I get stuck).

I left the office and tears started running down my face. I had so many emotions. I was scared. Option number one was completely out of the picture, option number two was slightly out of the picture, and option number three just scared the crap out of me. I texted E and a couple friends to let them know the news and told E that I would call him asap. I called him and instantly was in tears. He at first, out of the gate, wanted nature to run it's course and go with option number one and go ahead and have intercourse, until I explained to him how many eggs could possibly be fertilized and how it could kill me or a baby/babies. He then explained that he didn't want me to go through any kind of pain with passing that many eggs. He said that he remembered how painful it was for me to pass the eggs with my first set of injections and he knew it would just be worse this time. He said that maybe if I had the procedure that we'd at least be able to try to have a baby and that I wouldn't be in so much pain when I went to pass the eggs if I didn't get pregnant. I agreed and said that I would see him for lunch and then I'd call the doctor with our decision.

I left the parking lot with my music off and my intent to call my mom and ask her how she felt. We had the same conversation as E and I had except that she thought I should ask the doctor about harboring the eggs instead of "throwing them away". I thought it was a great idea and told her I'd ask about the expenses and whatnot. She said that I could use them in the long run if we ever wanted to do IVF or I could always donate them to someone in need. What a fabulous idea! I would ask the doctor around lunchtime.

I finally made it back home, but had a meeting to go to as soon as I had returned as well as a hungry husband to attend to. When I was in my meeting the doctor had called me. I left my meeting and went to see E (my meeting was in the same building as his work center) and decided I'd call the doctor then so he could hear what they had to say. I figured they just wanted our decision. When the nurse answered the phone she started with "your labs came back and...". I instantly got emotional. Something was either really good or really bad. It was the latter. She said that I was ovulating on my own (without the hsg shot; remember, they cannot find a thing wrong with me) and that we had to completely skip this cycle, to abstain for at least four days. The only thing I could muster out was "okay" and hung up the phone. E looked at me and I started crying my eyes out. I explained the whole thing to him. He didn't know how to react other then to hold me.

I cried until he needed to go back to work and I cried some more. I let some friends know what was going on and they were so supportive. I'm going to be honest, I even went home and cried some more and babied myself by laying on the couch today. I needed some time to myself.

My heart is completely broken. My hopes were shattered for this round. We now have to wait until we figure out what's going on with E's job situation and our issues with health benefits. It's the best decision we can make, to stop, until we have the means to support a child, but a hard one nonetheless.

I really thought this would be it. I thought I'd see two pink lines this last go around. We'll start back up sometime, just not sure when. I pray that God can bring me strength and wisdom to understand the reason for this happening to us. Shot after shot I had convinced myself that it would be worth it, that "maybe this time", and that "hope" would never be lost. Today, my hopes have been cracked and chipped, but not shattered completely. My spirit is alive. I know that one day we'll have a family, maybe not in our timing, but in God's. He's the ultimate provider.

Although this journey hasn't been easy, it's not over. It's simply at a stand-still. I can say that I have had my share of broken hearts and that I do, indeed, ache for a miracle of my own one day, but I can also say that this journey has been worth it to me. I have been able to be there for those going through infertility, I've even seen miracles come from infertility and gained many friends. That to me, is worth it. In my heart, I know, one day I will see two pink lines.

~Jess

Never Lose Hope

Quick recap: The last time I blogged I had explained that I would be heading to the doctor the last day of 2012 to see about starting round two of the injections.  I was unable to continue them back in November due to cysts and was placed on birth control to put my cycle in a place that was perfect to my doctors schedule around the holidays (totally lame).

Now we are on month 28 of trying to have a baby, and I'm upset to announce that we have essentially run out of time. This will be our last month for a little while due to some circumstances that are out of our control  It breaks my heart, however, I know it makes sense and it's probably the best decision for us at this time.

You are probably wondering why we have run out of time. I haven't really talked about this part to anyone, but a few people and now, to you. E was placed on a medical evaluation board through the Marine Corps back in August. His diagnosis is still being worked out, but we do know the root of the problem. I won't be discussing his medical information to protect his privacy, however, it's aside from anything to do with infertility. He has, however, given me the permission to talk about the med board. Back in August, we were told he had 6-9 months until he would either be found "fit" or "unfit"(and discharged) for active duty. As of now it has been 5 months and we have not heard a decision, also, as of now, he has one year exactly left on his active duty contract. He is unlikely to find a job right out of the gate due to some of the issues that may come with the diagnosis and/or surgeries involved. So you see, we have run out of time with medical benefits and being able to have a baby with a good, steady, income.

This is it...for a while. I say "for a while" because we have a plan brewing. We will have a family one day. We will probably delay the process for about 6 months to try to get our lives on a new path and start a new, exciting journey. What's 6 months when I've been through 27 and now 28? Nothing. Of course, I'm sad, but I know it's the best thing for our family and our baby (one day).  I'm getting pretty excited about our plans. I am looking into living out one of my career dreams (I'll announce it, when it comes time) that I've had to put off due to E being in the military. I will be able to put my degree to good use and make good money with great benefits as well. I truly believe once I get to the place I want to be, God will place a baby in our lives. I think this is His way of showing us that we need to live out our dream and even more dreams and gifts will be placed in our paths.

Of course, we have this month, so I'm not out of hope, and I never will be out of hope. "Hope" is something I rely on every day. There is always hope. I am actually very hopeful about this month, and my doctor seems to be as well!

When I went in on Dec 31 they took a look and decided to start me on 75 IUIs of follistim. That dose is what they ended me on last time I did injections. My doctor uses the "beehive" analogy on me. He says my ovaries are "golden" and my husband is "more then good". He get's really scared about giving me too much medication because he only wants two eggs to be produced (mine that I produce on my own and one with the medications help). He says it's like hitting a beehive and only wanting two bees to come out instead of a swarm. I injected the 75 IUIs of follistim into me for three days in a row. I went back to the doctor yesterday and he took a look again and I was measuring at what I measured the last day of monitoring of my first cycle with injections (wow!). He seemed to be thrilled, but at the same time not knowing how much of a dose he should give me. He told me to continue to take 75 IUIs and to keep my phone on me, that he tends to be a little more "chicken" after lunch. He said my ovaries "freak him out" and he doesn't want to over due it. Talk about a freaky situation. Uhm, no, I don't need to produce more then 2-3 eggs, I don't think my body could carry more then that (if you know me, you understand).  But, getting the right dose is like playing with that beehive, you want to hit it just right. Not too hard, but not too easy either. My case is difficult..wonderful.

I left the office and got my blood drawn, like every time before. I was kind of ticked off because I was in pain from the exam, he has some issues finding my left ovary, but says it's very common. I wish my ovaries weren't so "golden" and my husband wasn't so much "more then good" when going to an infertility doctor. It doesn't make sense!

When I got home yesterday afternoon from the doctor office, I received a call. It was them. They had reviewed my labs and the nurse told me he had lowered my dosage to 67, 58, and 50 for the next three days. I am to go back to the doctor on Sunday (remember, this is an hour and a half drive). Great, he was chicken! But, maybe it's a good thing? Who knows.

So that's the newest update on our situation. That one pink line needs to turn to two and in a hurry, but if it doesn't there is hope because there is always hope. We will have a family one day, I just know it in my heart. Whether it is a biological baby or adopted, we will be blessed because God is so so good.

~Jess

What Not To Say

Unfortunately, lots of people don't necessarily know what to say or what not to say to a couple who is struggling with infertility. Usually, when people hear about our struggles with infertility they either walk on eggshells, avoid conversation with us, or say hurtful things without realizing how much pain their causing in the inside. It can be very difficult to find the right words to say when certain, touchy, topics come up.

Maybe, by posting this, I can reach out to others and maybe forewarn them, or explain why I reacted to something the way that I did. Please understand I don't mean to be rude or straight forward in any way, it's just that this is a very real topic. I am a human, with real emotions. 

So, with that said, here's a list of what not to say to a couple struggling with infertility.

"Just Relax"  Honestly, if I had a nickle for every time I heard someone tell me that, I'd probably have enough money to pay for IVF. It's the cure-all for infertility apparently. No...If something is wrong, it will continue to be wrong until it's fixed.

"It will happen". Although these seem like very reassuring words to someone, it's really not. It's actually quite opposite because, unfortunately, it not happening is what's on our mind, and it may never happen.

"There's always adoption". While that may be the truth, we just want to be able to have our own kids and experience that special bond. Adoption is a great thing, it really is, but it can be very expensive. It's also not for everyone.  Sometimes it's a last resort, and with every glimmer of hope we can get, we don't want it shot down. With E coming from a family who has adopted 4 children, believe me, we know there's adoption, we don't need to be told. We actually have talked about adoption, but it's one of those subjects where "we'll cross that bridge when/if we get there" sort of thing.

"You're young."  Yep, and we're not getting any younger. You see, we've been trying to have a baby since we were 21 and 22. Here we are now...23 and 24. How much longer will it take? Basically those words mean that we just have to wait longer. What if we get "old" and still do not have a baby?

"My husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant". Really? That's not the best thing to say to us or any couple struggling with infertility. That hurts. I'm sorry that we don't have the luxury of having such fertility. It's not that easy for us. When saying something like that, it's like throwing it in our face that we don't have the very thing that we've been waiting around to have for years. It's insulting.

"I wish I had that problem". That's probably one of the rudest things I've ever heard from someone. I've heard it a couple times and it never sets well with me. Usually, I just laugh it off and walk away, but it eats at me and really tears me up inside. I would never wish this "problem" on anyone, ever, and for someone to want this "problem" is just unfathomable.  I get it, they just want me to feel better, but it doesn't feel good. You don't want this "problem". I promise. Even if you don't want the baby or planned to have the baby, you don't want this problem, especially when you're ready for children. Gee, I wish I had the "problem" of fertility!

"Maybe it's a sign". I guess what you're telling me is that I don't deserve to have kids? Or that I'm just not cutout to have a baby? Words can be painful and how insensitive are you?

"Are you pregnant yet?" Chances are, the answer to the question is NO. Don't you think we'd tell you, or scream it to the entire universe from a park bench if we were?

"Just enjoy your sleep...time together...etc." Don't minimize my pain. I wouldn't tell you if you just lost a loved one that at least you didn't have to buy them a Christmas gift this year. It doesn't give me comfort to have more sleep if I can't have a child.  Heck, I'd give up all of my sleep to have a child, just like you'd buy a million Christmas gifts if you could just have your loved one back.

"Worse things could happen". Well, define "worse"? Worse can be different in so many different ways. When a couple has a dream of becoming parents, it probably started as a small child. I remember pushing my babies in their strollers when I was 5 or 6. My dream has been to become a mom, and this is one of the worst things that could be happening. My infertility is drowning my dreams.

"Why don't you try in vitro fertilization (IVF)" Well, do you know how incredibly expensive IVF is? Do you even know the procedure? Sure, it's easy to say "IVF, IVF, IVF", but what if you had to do it? What if I can't afford it? Now how bad do you feel for asking me? Last time I checked, intercourse with your partner was free. Reproducing should be free. If you're healthy, and I'm obviously not.

"Stop trying and then it'll happen". Say what?! You mean to tell me I need to stop trying to try to have a baby and by stop trying I'll get pregnant? That's the most backward thing I've ever heard in my life. That just goes up there with "relax". I can't just quit trying, subconsciously, I know when my cycle is, I know when I ovulate. I can't just shove the thought of wanting to have a baby to the back of my mind. Have you lost yours?

Don't complain about pregnancy (or about your children). I probably don't have to explain this at all, but I would give my left leg and left arm to be pregnant, please complain to someone else. I am sure it's uncomfortable, but again, I would give anything to be pregnant. Just like you may give anything to have a nights sleep, so I probably shouldn't complain about the 8 hours I slept last night.

Don't treat me like I am ignorant. I don't need to be told about all of the responsibility that comes with having a baby. Don't you think that I've had time to think about those responsibilities? Truth is, you can't really grasp the concept of being a parent until you're a parent, but be respectful. Just because I'm not a parent, doesn't mean I'm stupid or uneducated.

Don't give me sex advice. I have been told different things by a lot of different people. Could you imagine someone telling you how you and your spouse should have intercourse?! It's uhm....weird.

Everyone knows someone, or a someone of another someone, who has had infertility problems.  I understand that you're just trying to relate, but if you haven't been through it, you don't fully understand. Send your friend my way and tell them to tell me that you sent them, and believe me, that would mean the absolute world to me! It's not easy to talk to someone about treatments if they don't understand what you're talking about.

So, since I've listed everything under the sun, no really, I probably missed a few. You now can see how incredibly sensitive infertility can make someone. The one thing that I'd encourage people to do is to show me that you care. You don't always have to have the right words to say, if you want to let me know I can vent or cry on your shoulder at anytime, that'd mean more to me then any "right word". Just words of "I'm praying for you" or knowing you support what we are doing would be helpful on this journey as well.

I am very happy to say that I truly have had lots of positive encounters with people too, but giving a little bit of insight can be helpful for those who just don't know what to say sometimes. I understand that we all say (I do it too) things that we don't necessarily mean to  be "hurtful" so maybe this post will help :).

Lastly, just because we're struggling with infertility doesn't mean you need to avoid me if you're pregnant or have children. It's a joy to be around kids for me, it helps me...a lot.

~Jess

Maybe Next Year

So, I haven't written in a while since I was pretty much up to date, but a few things have come up.

Mother nature didn't come until day 35 of my cycle. I was exactly one week late. I thought for sure I was pregnant and boy was I getting excited. I thought, wow! We were able to do it without drugs. Ha, who was I kidding. Looking back it was probably due to immense amount of stress that I was under, leading up to Thanksgiving. I had 14 people coming to my house and I had to make sure it was clean and everything was in place. You know how that goes.  

Well, I called the doctor on the morning of day 35, it was a Friday. I hadn't started yet and I thought they should have an update. The nurse told me that it was too late for me to come in since they were closing early, that I would need to come in on Monday for some labs. However, if I did start I needed to go pick up the birth control and start taking the pill on day 2 of my cycle to delay my period until after Christmas. Great, I would just wait it out. Hopefully my period wouldn't start and the home pregnancy tests that I had taken were wrong with their stupid one pink line. Maybe I wouldn't have to go on the dreaded birth control! Time passed and sure enough, mother nature came the night of day 35. Great. Go figure. 

I went to the pharmacy to pick up the pills. I was so upset. I hated that they were making me go on birth control. Agh. "Birth control"! Those two words are not meant for me! We're not trying to prevent a baby. Geesh. I haven't been on birth control in about 6 years and I am scared of it. I hate it. It makes me insane and way too hormonal.

I've taken about 5 doses of birth control and I really can't stand it. It makes me feel crazy and makes me cranky. I get why they're making me take it, they want my cycle to be in a certain place so they can monitor me. I get that they shouldn't have to work on Christmas. I get it. But, what I don't get, is WHY. Why in the world does my body have to go through this? On medication, off medication, and on a different type of medication. You think I'm hormonal? You better believe I am! Poor E. Okay, so it's my own doing, but c'mon, we obviously want a baby more then anything in the world. So as I type, here we are on month 27 and we can't even try to get pregnant. I actually have to take over a months supply of birth control to delay it to where they want it to be.....waiting waiting waiting. Story of my life.

Everything happens for a reason, I suppose.  It doesn't mean that my heart isn't heavy, nor does it mean with every facebook announcement, or Kate Middleton news about a royal baby, does my womb cry out with pure emptiness. 

Goodbye month 27. I'll see month 28 on December 31st. 

Maybe we can conceive next year.  

~Jess

Dissapointed

“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.” 

Here I am. Day 32 of my cycle and I've gotten one pink line after another. I don't know why I expect to ever see two.  My cycles are 28-30 days and here I am, 2 days late, and not pregnant.  Apparently my body is pretty messed up from being on meds and then off of them again. 

On a positive note, I didn't start over the holiday. It was a good thing because if I would have the doctor wanted to put me on birth control to push my period to where he wanted it (to avoid having to see me during the holiday). Pretty absurd in my opinion. It's like inducing someone to avoid having to work on Christmas. It's just not right, not natural.  Then again, what I'm doing isn't really all that natural either.

Today, I'm trying not to hang my head. I'm trying to be positive and have hopes that maybe God is preparing my body for a miracle within the next several months.  Today, I sit and wait, wait for mother nature to come so I can go back to the doctor and start round two of the injections.  I'm ready already. I hate this waiting game.

On to month 27....soon. I hope.

~Jess

Why Now?

As the holidays roll around I should be doing something like baking or cleaning perhaps, but to me, this blog is very important to me and to some of my readers. Some of you may be wondering why I am sharing something so personal with the whole world? Well, the answer to that is pretty simple. I don't want any one struggling with the same, or close to the same, issues as us to be alone.  Our infertility has been a rough journey to say the least, but being alone in a rough journey isn't fun, it just isn't right.

I had wrestled around with the thought of starting up this blog for a while. I wasn't sure what people would think or even what my family would think. Coming from a very conservative family and town, I wasn't sure how others would view me for sharing such a personal aspect in my life. I also thought about all of those people who have asked us about having babies, I just didn't want to offend anyone. I didn't want people to walk on egg-shells around me. I just wanted people to think I was normal and healthy. Maybe I was ashamed of having to go through this journey. As a woman, I should be able to carry a baby, the last thing I wanted was for people to look at me as a failure.

I had shared a little bit of our story with a few people on a USMC support board that I have been a part of for quite some time.  I knew some of the girls had gone through some similar stuff, so I was just reaching out for some much needed support.  One day I had received a text from a good friend, B.  She is on the board and had seen my story. She said that she didn't know we were going through infertility and wanted to talk to me about some of the stuff she was going through. It warmed my heart to know she could come to me and confide in me.  That very next day I decided I wanted to follow through with creating a blog.  I talked to E about it first and he was all-in also.

My reasoning behind the blog is to reach out to others. I have learned that I cannot be afraid to share my story because someone somewhere is going through the exact same thing. I shouldn't worry about what other people think because in reality, they're not the ones living this life.

I, of all people, know how hard it can be to be alone in an infertility struggle. Of course, E was and always has been by my side through all of it, but he doesn't get it to it's fullest. Of course he's sad and upset that we have to go through it, but he's not taking injections, or putting crazy hormones inside his body, and he's not a woman who has an empty womb and motherly instincts.  I went through the first year of infertility with no one. I didn't understand what was going on and my loneliness was getting the best of me.  I met M after that first year and she had dealt with some issues of her own so she had some pointers for me. We instantly bonded and have been friends since.

I want to be able to be that person that shows others that it is okay to be human. It's okay to feel the very emotions that you feel when you cannot get pregnant. M inspired me to be there for others, like she was and still is there for me. I everyone who reads this and needs someone to vent to or cry or whatever to know that I am here. That I will not let you be alone on your journey.

~Jess

Something is Missing.

As my news feed on Facebook overflows with pregnancy announcements, pregnancy week-to-week pictures, gender reveals, pregnancy complaints, births, baby pictures, growing children albums, and complaints about children it makes me wonder about my own future. I get excited thinking about it, but then I wonder when will it be our turn.  It can be a very disappointing thing to live month to month in hopes of a positive pregnancy result and only getting a negative over and over again. It's painful.

I was once asked by a friend who found out that she was pregnant by "accident" how I knew it was the "right time".  I told her that I felt like something was missing in our lives and that I had so much love in my heart that I wanted to give away. I told her that E was the same way.

You see, E is amazing with children. I have never seen a man so good with a baby in my entire life. He will make a great daddy for sure. The spark he gets when he is playing with a child is truly one of a kind.   It melts my heart.  Every time we see a child, whether an infant or a 10 year old, he is always smiling at them, cooing, waving, making eye contact, or even talking to them. Even if he's never said it, it's prominent, he has love in his heart that can only be given to a child. My heart breaks inside for not only myself, but for E as well, when I see only one pink line.

We are so excited to be able to prepare for a child, but when can we? Over the past 26 months we have had talks about names, types of diapers, multiples, number of children, genders, photographs, pregnancy, clothing style for a child, discipline, can's and cannot's, do's and don'ts, etc  We have talked about everything under the sun that has to do with having a baby. The only thing missing? The baby.

As each day goes by we sit and wonder and hope and dream about what our family will be like. Until then, we hold tight and pray. It's not the easiest thing to accept, an unknown diagnosis of infertility, but it's the love that we have in our hearts for one another, and for others, that keeps pushing us to keep trying. We want to fill the hole that is missing in our lives.

So, to my unborn baby; we loved you way before we knew you.

~Jess