Decisions, Decisions...

If you are here you have seen that my blog has a new look!!

We made a HUGE decision since our last failed IUI.

I had the story about the failed IUI in the "draft" for quite some time and even now that it's published, it isn't really finished. My heart was broken to the point of not even wanting to talk about it anymore. It was weighing on my marriage, as infertility does, so I took a pretty long break from my blog (as you know), but now we have even better news to share!

We decided to adopt a child.  Yes, adopt.

We prayed about this decision for a while. We had even starting talking about adopting a couple years ago when we started thinking about growing our family. It was something that we both were on the same page about then, and as we grew more serious about it, nothing had -really- changed. C took a little longer than I did to become completely serious about it, but in a week he was on board 110%. As a couple, to be on the same page about a huge decision like this, was amazing. It's a big deal. 

I have been asked by some friends, "how did you know that adoption was right for you?".  Well, I don't know how to answer that question other then by saying, "it's a God thing". It wasn't a decision made as a last resort. It was a decision that we felt at peace with and felt as if this were the right thing to do. As everyone knows, this world is growing more wicked as the day passes. Our biggest statement to folks has been, "why not save a child instead of add a child to this chaotic world - there are so many out there that just need to be helped". 

Now, a lot of people who decide to adopt sometimes choose overseas children. I think that is great, but for C and I, this wasn't what we wanted. I guess you can call us patriotic in a sense? We are both Veterans, so that's accurate... ;). Our thoughts were to adopt a child from America and in Montana (where we live). Why Montana? Well, to be honest, it's cheaper for one, but for two, what if it needed to be an open adoption?

We soon began exploring all of the adoption language and trying our best to understand the pros and the cons to open, semi-open, and closed adoptions. What about race? What about disabled children? What about older children? Infants? The list goes on and on.

We started talking to a local adoption agency and started the process.

We were scared, but yet so excited. Scared because what if, by some random off-chance, we couldn't adopt. Scared because, there are so many unknowns. Scared because, what if we are that one story where the birth mom changes her mind when the baby is born or what if we sit on a waiting list for years. Scared because, well, adoption can be down-right scary, especially if you haven't done it before or even know where to begin. Or how about money...adoption is expensive. 

Regardless, we rolled with the what-ifs and began the journey anyway knowing that all of these questions and concerns would be worth all the fret, worry, and stress....

To be continued... ;)

-Jess

Remember, there are so many out there that have been through and are going through unexplained infertility and now adoption. If there is just one person I can help with our story, I would be glad. Please share, if you so see fit. Always be kind.

Go fund me account for our adoption

Baby Registry

Round 2. 0-2

You read that correct. 0-2.

The second round of IUI...

I haven't been the best with keeping up my blog. For some reason, I have to be in the right mood to write. I believe it's because most of the time, it's hard on me. I don't write these for me though. I write these for my readers. Mainly, for the ones that may be struggling too.

On that note...

Back to our second round of IUI.

All the stars lined up perfectly for our second round. I had one giant follicule and we were able to time the trigger shot and IUI perfectly. C was able to give the sample and he was even able to be there with me this time. The procedure went good, just uncomfortable, like the last, but that was to be expected.

We left the doctor's office thrilled to death. Literally, scientifically, everything was perfect.

The two week wait. Anyone that knows about the two week wait, knows that it is the worst. When I say the worst, I mean the worst! It isn't the worst physically, however, it is the worst mental game that you can ever play with your body. You think you have a pregnancy symptom, but really, it's just whatever-in-the-crap is actually happening inside your very complex reproductive system.

The two week wait came and left...mother nature did her thing and we were highly disappointed.

Here's To Round Two

Well, I haven't published a blog in a couple cycles.

It's been a pretty rough couple of months.

I have been thinking about blogging, but having a house to unpack, C's little one for the summer, family emergencies, company from out of state, my mind has been all over the place, not to mention, I've just been downright busy!

Anyway, moving forward...

I We were supposed to have our first IUI the beginning part of June. I had started taking the letrozole and I had picked up the trigger shot to start the process. I had scheduled the intra-vaginal (gross) ultrasound and had all of my ducks in a row.  I went to my day 11 ultrasound to find out that my follicles were measuring "right on schedule". Perfect. We would set up another ultrasound and the IUI in the next couple of days.

Well, the same day of the ultrasound we got a call that would forever change our lives. We had to make an emergency trip to Missouri ASAP. 21 hours straight drive to the hospital where C's dad was. He had only been sick with cancer for a little over a month. He was asking for us and we knew it was time to go. We got there and was able to spend some time with him. He was, and always was, in great spirits. It didn't matter what was going on, he always had us laughing. It was nearing the end of his life and we were heartbroken.

Sam (C's dad) was always asking us, monthly, if I was pregnant yet. He wanted nothing more then to have me carry his son's child. One of the very last questions he asked C and I was if I had "tested yet". It wasn't time for me to test, and with tears I told him that I was not pregnant. It devastated us that we had to tell him no.

That night I spoke to my doctor and told her what was going on. I was not going to do the IUI this month and that was okay. I was right where I needed and wanted to be. She told me that we could still administer the "trigger shot" (triggers ovulation) and have timed intercourse. She said we didn't have to do this, that we could just keep the trigger shot and use it next month. I spoke with my husband and I left the choice in his hands. He decided that we should just go ahead and do the shot and give it a try.

I was a nervous wreck. C had never administered a shot before and I wasn't able to do it myself (being that it had to be in my butt). It wasn't that I didn't trust him, but holy cow, I think I am a little afraid of needles. He did an excellent job.

The next day at 3pm my father-in-law went to be with the Lord. He was such a great man and we miss him daily.

We knew this cycle wouldn't work and wrote it off. It was okay. We were mourning and we still are.

Fast forward. 

Our first IUI.

Well, this day was crazy.

I went in for my day 11 ultrasound to see where my follicles were measuring. They were at 19.5mm and on both sides! This was pretty intense for day 11 (previous cycle they were at 11mm). The meds were doing their thing and I was to ovulate early. It was the Friday before the 4th of July and no one was going to be in the office until Tuesday.

I, jokingly, invited them to my house to do the procedure, but the doctor went through our options. She said C could come give a sample right now and they could do the IUI that day or we could do timed intercourse. If we were to do the procedure, she needed me to take my trigger shot right then. My shot was 40 minutes away at my house. I called up C and asked what he'd like to do. He agreed to do it then, so I made the 80 minute trip to the house to get the shot. C administered it to me (excellent again, by the way) and on we went to the doctor office.

He gave his sample to the doctor and she, reluctantly told him it wasn't enough. At this time the clock was ticking. We went to lunch and then he gave another and it was sufficient (gross, I know). She had to "wash the sperm", which took about 30 minutes, before she could do the procedure. We sat in the waiting room a while, but then it was beginning to get close to when C's daughter needed to be picked up from her summer camp. As bad as I wanted him there, I told him to go get her, that I would be okay. He did.

I was almost called back immediately after C left.  I was a nervous wreck with a million-and-one questions going through my head. I was worried about how uncomfortable I would be and everything else under the sun.

She told me before the procedure that there was a possibility of fertilizing two, one, or none of the eggs. I told her I understood and, unfortunately, I know that nothing with fertility is a guarantee. She did the IUI and it was very painful that I had tears in my eyes. I was expecting it to be much like the HSG test that I took, so I was prepared, but still. My OB was having a war with my cervix and I was praying that it was worth it.

She told me she was putting the sperm at the very top of my uterus so it could have a chance. She told me that I should be ovulating soon and to have timed intercourse the next couple of days. This was very backwards from your typical IUI due to office hours (go figure). We were all very optimistic. I called C when I left and told him about the procedure. He was sorry that he couldn't be there, but it was okay. I got through it. Nothing like trying to conceive, but your husband is miles away hahaha!

Anyway, she prescribed progesterone to me to take for the rest of the cycle. That stuff is not cool. It gave me crazy symptoms and made me super tired. I broke out in acne on my jawline that I had never had before and both C and I were pregnancy symptom spotting. We were completely fooled. It was the progesterone making my body do some crazy things.

I tested at 15 days past iui (15dpiui) and it was negative. Good ol' aunt flow should be on her way soon. Sure enough, the next day she showed her ugly face.

Of course, all of the emotions come barreling in and I just can't seem to understand why or how people can just get pregnant so easily and quickly. God must be using me for something.

I am currently 6 days in and already taking my letrozole again. My ultrasound is scheduled, so here's to round two.

Remember, always be kind to those around you. Everyone has their own battles.

In Memory of Samuel Lee Evans. He will forever be in my heart. Hopefully soon, we can give you your grandbaby, Sam. <3.

~Jess

IUI or Bust!

There has been a couple things happen since the last time I posted.

Originally we had plans to get work ups done to go to Seattle, Washington to do IVF. We started the workups and even got the results;  I have plenty of eggs left in my lifetime and all levels are normal. We started contemplating on what we should do or if we should wait a while before actually doing the IVF procedure.

We had many real discussions about the different options we had to include using donor sperm in an IUI procedure. Since C's last seaman analysis that was done when we were in Missouri (4 months ago), the reversal vasectomy didn't seem to have worked. Now, that's not an easy topic to talk about, but it is real nonetheless. We were looking for options. Less expensive options. You see, we are in the middle of purchasing a home. A home for a child to grow up in, but we have to make a list of priorities and build a bit of a foundation first. $10k-$12k is a lot of money to give for a procedure right now that isn't guaranteed. That kind of money on a chance. I am not a gambler by any means, and the chances I've taken over the past 8 years to have a child isn't really in my favor...


We expressed our situation and our thoughts to my doctor and she asked C to do another seaman analysis just for the heck of it. She wanted to see where his counts were before we made any rash decisions to put this off or go in a direction that maybe we didn't want to go.

He did the test and after what seemed like a lifetime of waiting, the doctor called me. She went over his counts line by line. She told me what he had then she told me what the minimum was. He was winning in all categories. When she got to the mobility (the one category we were afraid of) my heart skipped a beat. She said he was above the minimum by 17%. They want 40% mobility and he is at 57%! I immediately stopped her and asked her if it was possible and she said yes!! The next number she got to was some fancy terminology for the sperm fighting off each other...she said he had some of that going on, but not much. She thought it was a possibility that he had an infection that never healed from his reversal causing that and prescribed him some antibiotics.

We went over all of the numbers on his SA and then began speaking next step! She said that we could do IUI instead of IVF! How amazing! This was music to my ears. I had told her that I had only had three rounds of clomid and follistim in the past, so I was in the clear to do more (they only want you to do up to 12 maximum rounds in your lifetime). She first proposed the idea of doing 3 rounds of timed intercourse while I used ovulation drugs (remember, I ovulate on my own, so these drugs make me psych-o!). I told her I needed to speak with C and that I really didn't think he had the patients to mess around with "timed intercourse". She then proposed the idea of just one round of timed intercourse and then we would do IUI. I agreed. She prescribed me letrozole (alternate to Clomid for growing up follicles for eggs) and Ovidrel (trigger/HCG for releasing eggs/ovulating).

I am to start my letrozole the third day of my cycle (today!) and make an appointment for an intra-uterine ultrasound on day 11/12 so they can check to see how many follicles my body is growing. If there are too many, they will cancel timed intercourse for my safety (don't think my body can take more than 3 babies inside). We will perform timed intercourse this cycle, but next cycle we will do IUI! We are both very excited to begin this process (and to save money!).

Please send all of the baby dust our way! <3

~Jess

Big Sky Doctor

Well, we have made it to the rocky mountains of our forever home in Montana!

I went to the doctor this past week and, overall, it went well. C was able to go with me so that was nice.

After going through the usual 30 minute explanation of my fertility issues to the nurse and then the doctor we finally were able to start talking about what was next.  My doctor is very knowledgeable and she better explained everything to me. She was very in-depth and sympathetic all at the same time. I was very comfortable with her and I trusted her. This is obviously a huge deal.

She told me that all of the previous testing that I had done before was only good for one year. I couldn't believe it, well I guess I didn't want to believe it. I dreaded having to do the HSG test ever again. I immediately asked if that was something we needed to do. She said yes. I seriously had tears in my eyes knowing how painful the test was the first time, but promptly agreed knowing I'd do anything to move the process along to have a child.

I told her about C's testing and that my last doctor told us to not even waste our time with IUI and she agreed, given the circumstances. She then decided that we didn't have to do the HSG test if we were going to do IVF. (HSG is a test to see if the fallopian tubes are open). Doing IVF, I don't even need to use my fallopian tubes.

We talked about the procedure of IVF and weighed out all of the options. She told us that there is a facility in Billings, MT (3.5 hours away) that usually has a wait time involved or we could go to Seattle, WA (9 hours away) and have a better staff and not such a long wait time. We asked her honest opinion and she said that we should go to Seattle to do the procedure. She said they will extract my eggs and will make embryos by combining my eggs and his sperm. They will make more than one embryo and they can freeze some to use again in the future.

It's obviously going to be really expensive all around, but we truly think it will be worth it in the end. C is my biggest supporter who is really pushing this no matter the cost. If you know anything about us, I'm the one that is more reserved when it comes to spending money, so I have a hard time understanding the why behind all of this. It shouldn't be this difficult. Honestly, it just makes me angry that this is such the struggle that it is.

She sent me off to do testing at the lab and C another seamen analysis. She wanted to see how many eggs I have left in my lifetime and several other testing (6 vials of blood later!). She is doing the workup to get us ready for the folks in Seattle. We will go back for the results next week. Also, at that time, she will do an intra-uterine ultrasound to do the measurements of my uterus.

She told us in the meantime to continue monitoring my ovulation by using the OPKs (my fancy flashing smiley face pee sticks!).

We left and of course, I was in tears. The husband, bless his heart, doesn't know how to react to that, so he did his best and we went on.

I continued to monitor my ovulation and to my surprise my fancy sticks showed high fertility one day and then BOOM, peak fertility! I ovulated! I ovulated on day 13. This was pretty early compared to my last cycles, so we have a small bit of hope that maybe his [very few] swimmers might make it to an egg.

So, that week was pretty much a roller coaster ride. I keep telling my parents that we are taking up donations to go through with this IVF/trip to Seattle, but in actuality, I wouldn't ask a thing from anyone. Continue to pray for us and always remember no matter the struggle, you're never alone.

Until next time.

~Jess

Double Whammy?

Well.

It's been three weeks since I got our latest news. It's taken me that long to actually come to a place in my head where I can talk about what I was told last without feeling judged.

Judged? Yep. Judged.

I have an eight year old step daughter who has approached me several times about my fertility status. Yep. An eight year old. It's not just the typical, "I really want a brother/sister", that you would expect. It's more like, "[so and so] said, 'you can't have babies' and I tell them it's not true and it's not any of their business", or better yet..."[so and so] said, 'if you have a baby, you'll forget about me and love them more'".  Why does this become such a weekly battle? That's not okay. Period. It's just not. Why are you talking about me to a child?

Anyway. If you know anything about me or this blog, it's not for the 'attention', it's about being able to be there for someone who needs it. Someone who isn't as open as I am about my situation dreams and for those who need to know that they're not alone. Think about it...have you ever felt alone? I'm sure you have, and it's not a pleasant feeling. Knowing you're not alone takes the weight off of your shoulders for some unbeknownst reason; that's human nature, I suppose. I write these because I honestly feel like God has entrusted me to help women like myself. Now, if you want to hate on me for doing that, then go ahead. Throw your stones, but throw them at me.

Okay, now that's out of the way I can go back to my 'news'.

We got C's second seaman analysis results back and there wasn't much difference between the first and the second. The forward motion did not improve much. His count and the rest of the numbers were great, however, the doctor (and us) jokingly say they're "swimming in circles, chasing their tails". Hey- at least we can make light of the situation, right?

I already had made peace with that news, so it didn't bother me as much as the latter news. I already knew we were looking at IUI, but wasn't really expecting what was to come...

After using an OPK and peeing on sticks for 10 days straight, I never did see a clear sight that I was ovulating. We did the blood test on day 3 and again on day 22. This was all assuming I'd have my not-so-normal/[used to be] normal 28-32 day cycle. That being said, my progesterone levels were way too low on day 22. With my levels being so low (3, needing to be above 12) it meant that I did not ovulate, which would explain why I didn't have a clear site on my OPK sticks.

I was in disbelief. This was the first time I had ever been told that I didn't ovulate on my own. I didn't understand and I thought for sure I was going to vomit or have a nervous breakdown in the doctor's office. C wasn't with me, so it made it extra tough.

I searched for clarification asking him why I have regular cycles without ovulating? He said I probably ovulate, but it's "hit or miss from month to month". Uhm. What the?! He went on further to  explain this big long explanation of some scientific terminology using the female hormones and anatomy, but yet, my usual 'yep, I know what you're talking about' demeanor wasn't there. I was zoned out. I was fixated on the fact that I did not ovulate.

I then asked questions like, "well, what can we do? Do I need to start on clomid?"

Now, I took clomid before, but that was to guarantee I'd ovulate. Even then, I would ovulate on my own. So...what's the malfunction?

He told me that he didn't want to start me on clomid (or a drug closely related) because he couldn't monitor me since we were moving out of state in less than a month. He then proceeded to talk to me about IVF. In-vitro fertilization. Whenever I hear those words all I hear is my bank account tumbling down the three flights of stairs.

He told me that we shouldn't waste our time with IUI and go straight to IVF. I asked him if there were a way around those dollar signs when it came to the procedure, but then he backed off and said, "well, I mean, you could try a couple of IUI rounds, but honestly, I'd go straight to IVF". He said with C's forward motion not going anywhere, that IUI may not be the best option for success.

I left the hospital in shambles.

Called my husband, texted my mom. Cried.

My husband's answer, "I'm sorry babe, I've done everything I can do and will do whatever you want to do, but I think we should go for the IVF. We will figure it out. We have each other." This man. He has done everything he could possibly do. I mean, who would lay on a table a second time to get their boys worked on to have the reverse effect- not even knowing if it would be a success? A man who loves their woman with their whole being, that's who. My husband. I'm blessed for sure.

Now, on the other hand, my cycle ended up being 37 days instead of 28-32, so did that mean I ovulated late? Or am I just stressed to no-end? Who knows, but what I do know is that I will continue to monitor with my, now advanced, OPK's with their flashing smiley faces and figure this out.

Until then, I guess our next adventure is tackling IVF. Holy crap. We could use all of the prayers we could get. My next appointment is the very beginning of March. A new doctor, a new state, a new start. We got this.

On a side note, I have a heck of a support system...my best friend/maid of honor sent me a card full of confetti. Thinking she was pregnant C and I jumped for joy, but then opened it to see how much she is cheering for us! We both appreciate all of the support everyone does give. <3

~Jess

Another Step

I had an OB/GYN appointment last week.

I sat in the waiting room, for what seemed like an eternity. Since C was at work, I was alone.

One pregnant woman after another. If she wasn't pregnant, she was carrying a newborn. Talk about a battle...I just wanted to throw myself in the floor like a toddler and cry, however, I actually had a little bit of hope. I was ONE day late. Ha. Who am I kidding, right?

My name finally was called to head back to the doctor.

The doctor was great. He was thorough and answered almost all of my questions. What was really neat is that he used to have his own private practice where he did IUI (insemination) and other procedures that the military doesn't allow him to do (insurance purposes).

After hearing about my history, he immediately suggested IUI. I asked him a million and one questions about the procedure to include cost and success rates.

With my ex we never tried IUI. I just did the follistim shots and clomid to force ovulation (which I usually do on my own anyway...). Just another God-sent sign that I wasn't meant to have a child with him...

Anyway, back to cost. I was certain it was going to be rather expensive because that's what my fertility specialist back in Georgia (2012) told me. I was thinking thousands of dollars. To my surprise he told me it would be less than $300- although every practice is different.

He dug out my chart to include my husband's seaman analysis results. I had explained that we were told that his numbers were "off the charts" after his reversal. Well, apparently, not in all areas. WHAT?!  I was shocked to hear this. He went over it line by line with me. He told me that his sperm count was GREAT, but his forward motion was not where it needed to be. This just confirmed even more that we need to go ahead with the IUI.

I also told him that I was on day 31 of my 28-30 day cycle. Well, he asked about testing. I told him I didn't want to see another negative pregnancy test and he concurred. He understood what I meant and what I was going through emotionally! Holy cow! I've never had a doctor as sympathetic as he was.

I went on to ask him about the referral process and explained to him that we didn't have much more time in Missouri (a little over a month!). He suggested I called around to Montana OB/GYN clinics and ask about pricing/insurance coverage. He then told me to come back on day 3 of my cycle and again on day 21 to do blood work to make sure I am ovulating on my own. If I'm not ovulating on my own, he will give me an alternative to clomid (totally told him, NO to clomid!) to force the process.  In the mean time, I was instructed to continue using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) and to get my husband to do another seamen analysis.

When I got home, I called around to the different OB/GYN clinics in Montana and finally got an answer AND was able to schedule an appointment! I couldn't be happier to feel like we are getting somewhere. I go in for my consult on the 3rd of March and hopefully we can get this IUI process moving.

The next day, still no period. I caved. I tested. Negative.

I waited until I was a whole week late. Tested. Negative. I was so angry. Maybe I'm that .01%? Ha. Who am I kidding? C had some hope...actually, he had a ton of hope. He was overjoyed with the thought of me being pregnant. I was trying to just keep my composure. He was the one that gave me hope. It was nice to see that he was so energetic and happy about the slight possibility of starting a family together...until the next morning.

I woke up hurting like no other. Of course. Mother Nature rears her ugly face on day 9 of being late. Thus, we start all over again.

Poor C, he gets so hopeful then boom. I see the hope in his eyes and in his heart, that it just kills me that my body isn't allowing our dream to come true. He has already named our son and is close to a full name for a daughter...he's so excited that he tears up about the thought of our dreams coming true.

Praying and hopeful for another step in the right direction.

~Jess