It's been three weeks since I got our latest news. It's taken me that long to actually come to a place in my head where I can talk about what I was told last without feeling judged.
Judged? Yep. Judged.
I have an eight year old step daughter who has approached me several times about my fertility status. Yep. An eight year old. It's not just the typical, "I really want a brother/sister", that you would expect. It's more like, "[so and so] said, 'you can't have babies' and I tell them it's not true and it's not any of their business", or better yet..."[so and so] said, 'if you have a baby, you'll forget about me and love them more'". Why does this become such a weekly battle? That's not okay. Period. It's just not. Why are you talking about me to a child?
Anyway. If you know anything about me or this blog, it's not for the 'attention', it's about being able to be there for someone who needs it. Someone who isn't as open as I am about my
Okay, now that's out of the way I can go back to my 'news'.
We got C's second seaman analysis results back and there wasn't much difference between the first and the second. The forward motion did not improve much. His count and the rest of the numbers were great, however, the doctor (and us) jokingly say they're "swimming in circles, chasing their tails". Hey- at least we can make light of the situation, right?
I already had made peace with that news, so it didn't bother me as much as the latter news. I already knew we were looking at IUI, but wasn't really expecting what was to come...
After using an OPK and peeing on sticks for 10 days straight, I never did see a clear sight that I was ovulating. We did the blood test on day 3 and again on day 22. This was all assuming I'd have my not-so-normal/[used to be] normal 28-32 day cycle. That being said, my progesterone levels were way too low on day 22. With my levels being so low (3, needing to be above 12) it meant that I did not ovulate, which would explain why I didn't have a clear site on my OPK sticks.
I was in disbelief. This was the first time I had ever been told that I didn't ovulate on my own. I didn't understand and I thought for sure I was going to vomit or have a nervous breakdown in the doctor's office. C wasn't with me, so it made it extra tough.
I searched for clarification asking him why I have regular cycles without ovulating? He said I probably ovulate, but it's "hit or miss from month to month". Uhm. What the?! He went on further to explain this big long explanation of some scientific terminology using the female hormones and anatomy, but yet, my usual 'yep, I know what you're talking about' demeanor wasn't there. I was zoned out. I was fixated on the fact that I did not ovulate.
I then asked questions like, "well, what can we do? Do I need to start on clomid?"
Now, I took clomid before, but that was to guarantee I'd ovulate. Even then, I would ovulate on my own. So...what's the malfunction?
He told me that he didn't want to start me on clomid (or a drug closely related) because he couldn't monitor me since we were moving out of state in less than a month. He then proceeded to talk to me about IVF. In-vitro fertilization. Whenever I hear those words all I hear is my bank account tumbling down
He told me that we shouldn't waste our time with IUI and go straight to IVF. I asked him if there were a way around those dollar signs when it came to the procedure, but then he backed off and said, "well, I mean, you could try a couple of IUI rounds, but honestly, I'd go straight to IVF". He said with C's forward motion not going anywhere, that IUI may not be the best option for success.
I left the hospital in shambles.
Called my husband, texted my mom. Cried.
My husband's answer, "I'm sorry babe, I've done everything I can do and will do whatever you want to do, but I think we should go for the IVF. We will figure it out. We have each other." This man. He has done everything he could possibly do. I mean, who would lay on a table a second time to get their boys worked on to have the reverse effect- not even knowing if it would be a success? A man who loves their woman with their whole being, that's who. My husband. I'm blessed for sure.
Now, on the other hand, my cycle ended up being 37 days instead of 28-32, so did that mean I ovulated late? Or am I just stressed to no-end? Who knows, but what I do know is that I will continue to monitor with my, now advanced, OPK's with their flashing smiley faces and figure this out.
Until then, I guess our next adventure is tackling IVF. Holy crap. We could use all of the prayers we could get. My next appointment is the very beginning of March. A new doctor, a new state, a new start. We got this.
On a side note, I have a heck of a support system...my best friend/maid of honor sent me a card full of confetti. Thinking she was pregnant C and I jumped for joy, but then opened it to see how much she is cheering for us! We both appreciate all of the support everyone does give. <3
~Jess
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