On February 2nd we did something that I thought
we would never get to do. We transferred an embryo to my uterus for the very
first time! It was every bit of incredible. Unfortunately, my husband couldn’t
be by my side, but we made do with a video call.
They instructed me to come with a full bladder, so I did. When I got there, I was so nervous. So, along with a full bladder and a bundle of nerves, I paced the waiting room floor.
When they called me back the
ultrasound tech looked and told me my bladder was too full. I was mortified. Weird, right? Well, she told me that I would
have to pee just a little bit. A little bit?! What does that even mean?!
She gave me a cup and told me not to surpass the line. I laughed and she told
me she believed in me. I thought for sure I was just going to pee everywhere
because I was so uncomfortable and needed to relieve myself so badly. Miraculously,
I did it.
When I came back in the room, I was greeted by the doctor and she handed me a photo of the embryo that we would be transferring. The embryologist was also in the room. Then, they put the embryo on the screen in front of me and the embryologist said it was hatching! It looked much different then the photo and the embryologist said, “you don’t get any better than this one!”. I was amazed. They sucked it up in a catheter and I watched the ultrasound as the catheter went into the lining of my uterus. She burrowed into my uterus about 18.3mm. I had a monstrous lining, which was unheard of amongst my IVF support groups. It was 23.6mm and I was so grateful (most times thin linings are the issue). After she got it where she wanted, she brought the catheter out and the embryologist examined it to make sure the embryo came out. It had. The transfer had taken place. So with toe warmers in my socks and heated insoles (they say to keep your feet warm – it makes for a warm uterus), I got dressed and hurried to pee. The procedure took about 10 minutes. It was emotional and now I was pregnant until proven otherwise. I had an embryo in my uterus!
I walked outside, there my husband was waiting for me. We hugged
and cried. We went back to the hotel and I took it easy for the next couple
days.
Now the wait had started. I was hypersensitive to every little thing happening in my body. I would feel flutters and cramps, twinges, and nausea. As the days went by, I became more and more nervous. One night I had cramps so hard that I thought for sure I would be starting my period. I didn’t.
I am actively involved in IVF support groups and lots of women start testing
around 4 days past transfer and get a positive. They don’t necessarily like for
you to test that soon, but a pregnancy test is a good indication on what the
blood test might say. I began testing on
4 days past transfer and it was a negative. I knew it was too soon, but it left
an empty pit in my stomach. My husband didn’t know I could even test early
because I wanted to surprise him. I tested two days later and got a positive.
This was the first positive I have EVER seen in my life. I was elated and shaking at the sight of that second line! I
quickly figured out a way to surprise C and he was over the moon! Cautiously,
of course, but still happy. I tested again on day 8 and then again, the night
before my blood test. I used a digital test the night before because digital
tests require more HCG. It was positive. I was over-the-moon.
February 11th came, and I got my blood results. 66 (anything over 5 is pregnant) and they were looking for over 50! My clinic called congratulating me. I was PREGNANT!! I was OVER THE MOON EXCITED. I couldn’t wait to start telling my family. The only family that knew that we transferred was my brother and sister-in-law, so they were expecting a call from me with my test results. I called and they were crying, as was I. This is something I’ve been trying to do for 11 years of my life. I was elated and in absolute SHOCK.
My clinic told me to keep taking my meds and we would check the HCG levels again in 4 days to make sure they were rising “accordingly”. I already knew what that meant because I have researched, and I have supporters who have been through this before. They wanted the number to double. I booked mine and Chad’s flights to Ohio to tell my family and we started planning how we were going to tell them. I bought embryo art so I could give them a photo of their fourth grandbaby that was on the way. We used the excuse of my husband being in between jobs to plan a visit. They had no idea. I was sure the second blood test would be doubled.
Over the next couple days, I was living on cloud nine. I was truly at the highest point of the tallest mountain. Before that first blood test, I refused to even believe that I was actually pregnant, so when the blood test came, I was elated.
Then.
February 15th came. It was the longest day
of my life. I went in at 8am to do the blood draw. I didn’t get a call until
almost 5pm. I was on edge all day long and emotional as can be. It seemed like it was a lifetime of
waiting the unknown and just being scared. I kept going back and forth in my
mind with both positive and very negative thoughts. I was over analyzing everything. At this point, I was 4 weeks pregnant and should be feeling some kind of
way. I was not. I was just really tired and constantly hungry. The nurse called
and told me the number of the blood test…it was only 73. It should have been at
least 120. It was not. She called it “concerning”. I hurried off the phone and
just cried. I knew this wasn’t going to be a viable pregnancy. I was asked to
do another blood test in 2 days.
My poor husband didn’t know what to do. He was trying his best to be positive and hug and kiss me as much as possible, but that’s not what I wanted. I wanted the outcome to be different. I wanted to carry this baby to term. I was ANGRY. How is this even fair? He had some of the same concerns that I did. Everything had been so perfect with this process; how did this happen? How is the embryo not striving in my body. A body that we had been told is amazing and on track? Because - because it's my body and it's not perfect or amazing, I'm a failure. I profusely apologized to him, knowingly there wasn't one thing I could have done differently for a better outcome, yet I still felt responsible. All he wanted to do was fix it for me. I understood, but I also know that it’s not up to us - it's up to God. There wasn't one thing that anyone could say or do to make this go away.
I prayed and I prayed hard in the days after I learned the bad news. I prayed for some miraculous turn around in hopes that my embryo would stick around. I cried and I cried.
When Feb 17th came, I was beginning to feel some peace. I cannot explain it. I guess I just know how to get kicked in the face and get back up again. It’s like the world is playing against me when it comes to infertility. I decided no matter the outcome, I needed to press forward and try again. Without trying again, we cannot move forward. If the door gets shut, then so be it, but at least we tried and we can't look back and say "what if".
My results on the 17th showed that my level dropped. Now it was 67. It went from 66 to 73 to 67. The pregnancy was not viable, resulting in a biochemical pregnancy, or an early miscarriage. Either way you look at it, it just wasn’t going to result in a live birth.
While a biochemical pregnancy is very common, it wasn't common to me. I was told that this happens in a natural state to many women. Sometimes these women don't even know they are pregnant to begin with and then their cycle starts. We knew that it happened to me because I am monitored so closely.
So, within 4 days, my world went from being to the highest
point of my life to the lowest of low. I was defeated in a matter of days.
That song, "You Say" by Lauren Daigle is how I felt...
"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough, Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up. Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low...You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing, You say I am strong when I think I am weak..."
But then, the song continues...
"...Taking all I have, and now I'm laying it at Your feet. You have every failure, God, You have every victory..."
All I have is my faith, which is all I need. I am worthy. I do deserve this. I will prevail and hopefully I am a beacon of light to those who are in my shoes. This journey is not easy and it is not for the weak, therefore I am strong. Moving forward is sometimes the hardest part, but I know God has bigger plans for us.
The good out of all of this is that we know it is possible for me to get pregnant, which is something we thought was impossible, and that - that is a victory in my book.
We decided we were still going to go to Ohio to see my
family, as I needed the visit. I needed my parents to hold me and let me
cry. To see me and understand what is going on in my life. Their
support in my life is absolutely needed and not being able to discuss any of this prior, was killing me.
I cannot thank my husband, friends and family enough for keeping me grounded and keeping my head above water. No one can come up with the "right" words to say to make me feel better, but I promise, every single one of "my tribe" has tried their very best. I know that they all care very much about me.
I couldn't imagine being like the rest of the IVF patients and paying upwards to 15-20k for one round and failing like I have. My heart goes out to you. We, however, are blessed to have more opportunities to complete our family, without creating financial hardship, and for that, I'm forever grateful.
Focus on the good.
~Jess
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