IVF Got this

Well,

Here we are, we are well underway with our IVF treatment. It's been a process, a process that the majority of people don't understand. It's also been a fight of advocating for myself. 

Hang in there, with me on this post. It's a bit of a rant, and may be all over the place...

Our clinic is in Spokane, Washington, which is 5 hours from where we live. Of course, I have lots of appointments, so I can't just drop everything and go to Spokane when I have an appointment. That being said, I have local appointments which consist of blood work and dates with "Wanda" at the ultrasound place. I also have to work with the VA for my medications. There are lots of folks involved in this process and even those folks don't understand. I've had to explain that my meds are timely, so don't mail them to me (over and over and over again). I've had to call labs and the imaging folks to ask where my "stat" results were, hours after the appointments. I've had to call insurance to remind them to work with the VA to cover my husband's semen analysis. It's been pretty messy, but what isn't when it comes to infertility? I've been doing this long enough. I've learned to expect people to not understand, therefore expect people to not live up to my expectations. Which, is dumb. A STAT lab should be faxed over STAT! Or, how about this...if an order is sent to a lab, for said stat lab, that they cannot fulfill, then why not contact the patient asap to let them know they need to go elsewhere? So why expect people to do their jobs? Because I've been let down too many times. 

Our clinic, on the other hand, has been amazing. They obviously deal with this stuff, regularly. They're even sensitive to feelings. Yes, feelings. Even without COVID, you cannot bring your kiddos to the appointments. This is in order to be sensitive to the women (and men) struggling with infertility, which is admirable. 

When I go to the ultrasound place, there are babies pictured everywhere and "welcome to motherhood" gift bags and teddy bears with heart beat boxes for patients that are pregnant. There's not a stuffed needle or embryo saying "good luck with IVF". Not that I would expect that, but hey, not every patient is in there celebrating a pregnancy. 

Admittedly, dealing with infertility has gotten better since the adoption of our son. Little M has helped me more than he, or anyone, could comprehend. However, about 6 months ago I started feeling guilty about him not having a sibling around. Something that I didn't have the ability to give him. Now that door is possibly opened and I'm hoping we get to walk through it, hand in hand. 

I still cry at pregnancy announcements, or hide posts on social media, because it just hurts too much to see. Although, very happy for that family, still wanting it for myself. I've described it before as a very strange, very hard feeling- of which I hate.

A punch to the gut, was just right before Christmas. I was wearing a hoodie and had stuffed a sippy cup in my front pocket. While in Walmart a woman asked M what he wanted for Christmas. Then she proceeded to ask him if he was wanting "a little brother or sister", while eyeballing me! I was taken back because, if you know me, I'm thin and I've NEVER had anyone assume I was pregnant. I didn't really know what to say and with some sass, I said, "maybe one day" and frantically walked away. I just couldn't believe what I had heard. It hurt.

So, I'm hanging in there.

I know I'm a bit all over with this post, but maybe I should update you about the process that we are undergoing. 

When beginning IVF I had a teleconference with my entire family about how it worked. They all live in Ohio and with us in Montana, my dad suggested we have a zoom meeting to better understand what we were about to undergo. Remember? Not many understand. 

The bloodwork and the monitoring began. I was told I had to start taking birth control for 3 weeks before I could even start my other medications. It's a funny thing, going to the pharmacy window asking for pre-natal vitamins and birth control. It's also an odd thing to be on birth control when you're trying to get pregnant. I had to take birth control in order to suppress my ovaries before starting my injections to stimulate my ovaries. The goal was to retrieve as many eggs as possible to create as many embryos as possible. By stimulating my ovaries, it forces my body to grow follicles in order to push those eggs out. The doctor would then go in and retrieve the eggs through a huge needle, piecing the vaginal wall. Fascinating, right?! haha.

In the meantime, I would have to travel to Spokane for another appointment to do an SIS. They basically go in and put saline in your uterus to see what they are working with....like you know, no polyps, cysts or surprises. They also needed to do a mock transfer, where they had to use a cathedar to figure out my curves and turns in order to prep for the transfer of the embryo. That sounded like a walk in the park. It was okay until they couldn't find my cervix. That was painful. A 10 minute procedure turned into 25 minutes. They started the SIS and then the cathedar came out and they had to put the speculum back in and re-do it. It wasn't the worst experience I have been through, but it wasn't the easiest, that's for sure. They had a field full of flowers taped to the ceiling with "stay strong" written on it. I just tried to imagine that I was in that place, and it helped. When I was finished with that, I had to go over injection training with the nurse, in some awkward conference room. I tried to comprehend what she was saying, but there were so much information.

The arrival of my other medications.... Wow. What a day. So. Many. Injections. It was terrifying, exciting, and a bit overwhelming. I bought a series of organizers and started figuring it all out. I have absolutely ZERO clinical background, which is weird because I work in a hospital- ha. That being said, I went over our injection training like fifty time. I watched video after video. I had so much anxiety. 

The first day of my injections, I thought I could do it on my own. I had done injections before, years ago, but those where in a pen that was more like a diabetic blood test needle. These. These were  syringes and I would have to MIX medication. I was a nervous wreck! I didn't want to mess something up, or worse, contaminate the needle. You know, because they really preach on making sure you use lots of alcohol pads and not touch things and so on and so forth. Once I got past all of that stuff, then I could pinch my (very little) skin and proceed with an injection into my stomach. Okay, I got this. Phew, yeah right. The first one I did, I about fainted. I had 2 to do that night. My husband laughed (I think he expected me to be tough, like I usually am). I cried, and then he understood that I was having a hard time. He volunteered to do the next one. I was petrified. If you know my husband, he often talks about how big his hands are and how he is ogre-like. Okay, so now I want Shrek to give me a shot? I'm obviously bothered by needles, but crap, I really have no option. So sure. I let him do it. We cried after, but it went great- the first day. After that, I mixed the meds, he "stabbed". One day, he stabbed me twice and almost immediately denied it. He then told me it bounced. We laughed. Then every day for over a week we did 2 shots, and every one of them seemed different. I had a panic attack once and cried a lot. The pain of the burn was too much sometimes. I didn't understand why I felt so much pain, when in my IVF groups these stims were such a breeze for people. Then, one day after a monitoring appointment, I got the call at 1 in the afternoon that I would have to add a third shot and I would have to do it NOW. My husband wasn't home. I was going to have to do this on my own. I was in full panic. After lots of heavy breathing or whatever, I finally just bucked up and did it. It was awful. The plunger was moving way too slow and I caught myself holding my breath. I did it though. Called my husband after to let him know I survived. That particular injection always had a bug bite reaction and I bruised from most of them. We went through 20 injections leading up to egg retrieval. We did 20 injections in 8 days. Always in my stomach, but alternating sides. I looked like a bruised up pin cushion. 

Then, egg retrieval day. My husband had to go in and do his part (he has it so easy!) while I waited outside with M. Then, I would have to go in and get prepped and ready to go. It was a science of EXACT timing. I sat in the car panicking because it was 7:50am and I was to be in there by 8am. What the heck was taking him so long?! He had been in there 20 minutes. When he came out he started laughing. Told me how the nurse that came to get him was probably the most burly man they could have found and how the room he went in was awkward. He could hear all of the nurses giggling and talking - I guess all of that killed the mood. HA! Then, I went in. Of course, COVID, so I had to go in by myself. I was really excited. I was super bloated and had even put on 10 pounds. I was feeling like a chicken and was ready to get those eggs out of there. The staff was incredibly kind and the Doctor was amazing. She came in and asked me what kind of music I liked, because she always plays music for her patience in the back when doing egg retrievals. I asked for country and the first song that played was "Big Big plans" which I thought was so fitting. The surgery for egg retrieval is like none I've ever had before. I walked into the room (not wheeled) and the room was very dark. I was told it was dark because the eggs are very sensitive to light (they're sensitive to smell too - so I didn't have any kinds of scent on me). Then there was a window in the room, that's where the embryologist was. The doctor would extract the eggs and then hand them to the embryologist through the window.  When I laid down on the table I had nurses all around me massaging my feet, arms, head, etc. The Doctor was holding my hand. The anesthesiologist was behind my head and he was reassuring me that this was going to be "like driving a Cadillac" and to not worry about a thing. I remember getting dizzy and then closing my eyes. Then I remember waking up. They came to tell me the report. I had 26 eggs retrieved! Pretty awesome number. I was to then go and get salty food, drink lots of Gatorade, and measure my belly for swelling. They were worried about my ovaries being over-stimulated and me getting OHSS. This is why we wouldn't/couldn't do a fresh transfer of embryos. I had to let my body come off of the medications and recover a bit before moving on to transfer. 

The next day we would find out how many mature eggs and how many eggs were fertilized. We got 16 mature and 8 fertilized. Now the waiting began...5 more days until we know how many embryos we would get! We got the call that out of the 8 fertilized, we got 2 "really good embryos" that made it to freeze! That was great news! We have the potential of having two children from those 2 embryos!

So when do we transfer the embryos? Will we do one or will we do two? 

Well, time will tell. We will only transfer one embryo at a time while the other one "stays on ice". 

So, for now, we wait. When the time is right, we will start prepping my body for pregnancy and then transfer the embryo. 

It's exciting, yet terrifying. I'm cautiously optimistic, because...I've been let down before. So, pray for us. Pray for a sticky baby and a healthy pregnancy. Pray for a positive mindset. Pray for my sanity, and maybe even more for my husband's sanity...because...my hormones are insane. 

IVF got this! :) 

-Jess