In my next few posts, I plan to go into some details on the past 4 years.
As you can imagine, in 4 years I've seen countless baby announcements, births, and even held brand new babies.
Even after I started my divorce and wasn't trying to have a baby, the "pain" never subsided until just about a week ago. I call it pain, but, it was somehow a happy, yet sad pain. I'm really not sure how to explain the emotion that I had. Don't get me wrong, I am, and was, so happy for all of my friends who have been building their families, but somewhere in the back of my mind was that....jealous feeling. Okay, so maybe the word is jealousy? I've never been a jealous person. I've been blessed with many things and people who love me, so to feel jealousy about someone else's happiness is just so...wrong. I say that the pain has subsided, because I noticed, last week, that I had a peacefully happy mindset as I scrolled through the babies of Facebook. For the first time in over 6 years, I was extremely happy for these folks.
I always wondered if I'd have a baby or even a chance to have a family with someone following my divorce. So when I met C and heard about his vasectomy, the emotions that came with it were crazy. Given that he has a child of his own, I found myself angry. Why could he have a child with her and not me? What did she do to deserve that? I found myself being uncontrollably jealous. Oh, how I hate that word!
It's always hard being a "step-parent", no matter the case, but it has taken a definite toll on me given my situation with fertility (side note- I have only been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility"). I give my all to a child that, in the end, isn't mine. I don't get to make decisions about her life, I have no say-so, and she isn't with us 100% of the time. Fortunately, my husband and I are an amazing team with raising J, and we make decisions together. We discipline as necessary and I am never left out of the decision making process, but still. J and I have a wonderful relationship and she knows that I have her back- no matter what. Heck, 9 times out of 10, she'll come to me before she goes to C with anything. I cherish our relationship and I'll always treat her as my own because at the end of the day, I married both of them.
J has come to me so many times asking me when she was going to become a big sister. She asks, almost weekly, "do you and daddy want a boy or a girl?", "what would you name your baby?". She is very anxious and very excited. I spoil her and -usually- she gets what she wants, but a baby?! One day she'll understand. It just breaks my heart that I can't be certain of when or if she'll get a sibling anytime soon. Her Christmas list this year, she wrote to Santa and asked him to "bring daddy and Jess a baby". Heart-wrenching.
Well, since I seemed to get off on a tangent,I'll wrap it up for now. Until next time.
~Jess
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