Here We Go.

Well, here we go, I went to my first doctor appointment this week for my current infertility...

Most of you who have followed my blog know of all the struggles I went through during my first marriage. I am blessed by the good Lord that I did not end up pregnant- a true testimony that shows that He is in control.

When I was explaining my situation to the nurse she stopped and said, "well thank goodness you didn't end up pregnant with him."  Well, lady. That's a given. I was so annoyed because she interrupted my timeline of events with that statement. I wanted to ask her if she thought the pain was any different back then? I wanted to ask her if she knew how it felt to go years of wanting a baby, but not being able to conceive, or the pain of not even knowing why you couldn't have one. I didn't. I was displeased with her, but took a breath and continued my explanation.

HSG (painful test to check blockage in the fallopian tubes), numerous blood tests, clomid (ovulation medicine), ovulation tests, charting, temping, trans-vaginal ultrasounds, follistim (self-administered shots in the stomach)....the list goes on.

The doctor came back and I think she spoke two sentences to me. "I've heard you have been through it all when it comes to fertility?" Yes, ma'am. "I'm going to refer you straight to OBGYN and let them review your file and possibly refer you out to a specialist".

Mind you, she is my primary care doctor. I have to see her first. Yay for by-the-book processes. Thankfully after asking her if she was going to run any tests on me, she said she was going to skip all of those since I had been through them before.  She couldn't guarantee that OB was going to skip anything though. I had asked about the HSG test and she grimaced. That was the only test I didn't care to do again. It's very painful, but I'll definitely go through it if necessary.

A lot of you missed the whole story from the beginning, but if you want to read about the HSG portion of my adventure click here... it's a not-so-fun story to tell and not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

I finally got my referral to OB. My appointment is on the 10th of January, so we will see what they have to say. I assume they will start me over with the process and prescribe Clomid to me, yet again. I have already apologized to C, as I know I will be crazy with that medication. Oh, how I loathe Clomid. It makes me crazy hormonal!! Agh! He's already been so supportive and reassuring me that we will get through this together.

I want this badly, but I know the struggle all too well and it's no less scarier than it was before.

Lots of continued prayers would be amazing, as I am certain God is brewing up a perfect plan for us.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and a Merry Christmas!

~Jess

How Do I Even Title This...

I'm angry.

I'm not just angry, I'm furious. My husband and I have been going through some very stressful times recently and to be honest, it isn't anything to do with our relationship.  There are so many outside stressors from other people that it makes me cringe.

I don't like to play the blame game, but there's no way we would be able to conceive with the kinds of stress we are (and have been) dealing with.

We are planning a huge move to Montana (from Missouri) in a few months (YAY!), but what's so crazy is...that's not even the stressful part! Crazy, right?!

Well, anyway. I'm obviously a little ticked off, so let's move on...

My cycles are usually on the dot 28-30 days. Well, guess what...I was six days LATE. Oh my, what a scary, yet exciting feeling. Scary? You ask? Well, yes, scary because I didn't want to pee on a stick to just get a negative...again.  Exciting because there was hope. I don't like to throw that term around lightly, but yes, hope. I waited and waited. The only reason why I did pee on a stick was because C told me to. It was like he convinced my inner 'am I actually pregnant' to come out or something.

I hate staring at a pregnancy test just waiting and waiting...and waiting. I stared at the thing so long hoping, and slightly, expecting there to be a second line. I stared so long that my brain was imagining things. Blah. Tears. Yes, tears. Not once, but twice did I do this to myself. Once on the 4th day of being late and again on the 5th. I read blog after blog and thread after thread on how so many people get their BFP (big fat positive) way later than whatever point I was at. It gave me some hope, it honestly did...

Aunty flow decided to rear her big fat ugly head yesterday. That made me angry, but yet relieved. Relieved because I didn't have to face the fact that I had to take another test that was negative, and still search for some sort of false hope. Since she showed up, I can breath and actually know that I'm not pregnant and we can just try again soon.  Isn't that ridiculous? Women are ridiculously emotional. Holy crap!

Anyway, I'm almost certain mother nature was late due to the stress going on in our life. I wish it'd all go away, it would make things so much easier, but hey, that's life, right?! No, we are learning to choose our battles and we are learning who to actually battle with. We are attempting to weed out the toxic in our life and just attempt to roll with the punches.

We certainly have our faith, and that's what matters most. I pray every night God sees what is happening. I know he wouldn't pick us to deal with this stuff if we weren't strong enough. One day, we will have a child of our own, I just know it. Whether by blood or adoption, our dreams will come true.

~Jess

Chiropractor?

I've been in the Army over 3 years now and it's been pretty physically demanding, as you can imagine. I've been on many rucks (hikes) carrying heavy packs on my petite stature while wearing gear from head to toe, amongst other physical training activities.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but it definitely has always been rough on me-from the start. We all know that women's bodies/hips are built to have children, not carry a bunch of weight on our backs (although, that doesn't stop us!).

About a year ago, I finally, after MANY doctor appointments and physical therapy, found out that I had to have surgery on my hip. I had a labrum tear. I had the surgery and did the physical therapy, but to this day, it still bothers me. Recently, on top of that, I've been having issues with my neck and back. They told me that I had lost the natural curvature in my neck and sent me to physical therapy. The folks in physical therapy are amazing, but unfortunately the exercises did not improve my pain or mobility.  The next step was the chiropractor.

Chiropractor? Seriously? Yes.

My first visit he told me I was completely locked up from my head to my tail bone.  This included my hips being unlevel, my SI joint completely locked to the right, and a few (yes a few!) ribs out of place. What the heck?  He instructed me to come back weekly.

I did as he instructed. One visit, it dawned on me. Maybe I should ask about infertility. I felt funny about asking him about it, but I swore that I had seen something about the chiropractor helping a woman in one of the many blogs I've read, so I went for it. His immediate response was, "Yes, absolutely." He told me that my hips had been twisted pretty bad every time I had come into the office. He said my hips being twisted like that could restrict my reproductive organs. Wow. By him adjusting me, it may, in fact, help with conception!  He went on to explain that because of how "locked up" I was it would keep me in a constant "flight or fight" mode. As a result of that, I would not be able to sleep or cope with stress (that explains a lot!). In turn, this would make it hard for conception because, in theory, you want to be relaxed and not stressed, so your body can do the work.

He actually brought me a whole lot of relief, not only physically, but mentally as well. I was there right before ovulation this month for an adjustment and just went back yesterday (7 days past ovulation). He told me my hips had stayed level! That was good news. I mean, a few of my ribs on my upper half were out of place, but hey, I'd rather that be the case then my hips twisted up again! I'm sleeping better (the first time in MONTHS I can say that!) and my stress level hasn't been as high as it was!

Both C and I have hope this month, but we will see what God has in store for us. Everything happens in His time.

That's all for now. Enjoy your day and thank you for following!

Oh, and by the way, you never know what people are going through. If you think my blog will help someone please share. I'm writing my story to help others. The loneliness that I've felt before is not worth it and I wouldn't wish it upon my biggest enemy. You never know who you can help.

Love one another.

~Jess

Jealousy?

My last post was, more or less, just a really quick update.

In my next few posts, I plan to go into some details on the past 4 years.

As you can imagine, in 4 years I've seen countless baby announcements, births, and even held brand new babies.

Even after I started my divorce and wasn't trying to have a baby, the "pain" never subsided until just about a week ago. I call it pain, but, it was somehow a happy, yet sad pain.  I'm really not sure how to explain the emotion that I had. Don't get me wrong, I am, and was, so happy for all of my friends who have been building their families, but somewhere in the back of my mind was that....jealous feeling. Okay, so maybe the word is jealousy? I've never been a jealous person. I've been blessed with many things and people who love me, so to feel jealousy about someone else's happiness is just so...wrong.  I say that the pain has subsided, because I noticed, last week, that I had a peacefully happy mindset as I scrolled through the babies of Facebook. For the first time in over 6 years, I was extremely happy for these folks.

I always wondered if I'd have a baby or even a chance to have a family with someone following my divorce. So when I met C and heard about his vasectomy, the emotions that came with it were crazy.  Given that he has a child of his own, I found myself angry. Why could he have a child with her and not me? What did she do to deserve that? I found myself being uncontrollably jealous. Oh, how I hate that word!

It's always hard being a "step-parent", no matter the case, but it has taken a definite toll on me given my situation with fertility (side note- I have only been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility"). I give my all to a child that, in the end, isn't mine. I don't get to make decisions about her life, I have no say-so, and she isn't with us 100% of the time. Fortunately, my husband and I are an amazing team with raising J, and we make decisions together. We discipline as necessary and I am never left out of the decision making process, but still. J and I have a wonderful relationship and she knows that I have her back- no matter what. Heck, 9 times out of 10, she'll come to me before she goes to C with anything. I cherish our relationship and I'll always treat her as my own because at the end of the day, I married both of them.

J has come to me so many times asking me when she was going to become a big sister. She asks, almost weekly, "do you and daddy want a boy or a girl?", "what would you name your baby?". She is very anxious and very excited.  I spoil her and -usually- she gets what she wants, but a baby?!  One day she'll understand. It just breaks my heart that I can't be certain of when or if she'll get a sibling anytime soon. Her Christmas list this year, she wrote to Santa and asked him to "bring daddy and Jess a baby". Heart-wrenching.

Well, since I seemed to get off on a tangent,I'll wrap it up for now. Until next time.

~Jess

The Big "V" Bomb.

Well, it's been nearly 4 years since I've even touched or came back to this blog. How crazy is that?! Most of you reading this probably have no clue what's going on or why I have this blog.  I figured it was time for an update...

Where do I begin?! Whew! What a crazy last four years it has been.

The husband I refer to in the earlier posts is now my ex-husband. We had a pretty rough falling out, but we both understand that we are on two very different paths.  We tried for a couple years to have a family. Now we look back and see why we went through what we did with infertility and why we weren't getting what we wanted.

Everything happens for a reason. God's listening, but HE knows what is best.

I joined the Army back in August of 2013.

After my divorce was final I met an amazing man...

C told me right away that he had a daughter. That, obviously didn't phase me one bit and I agreed to another date.  About four weeks into dating, he dropped a huge bomb on me. He told me he had had a vasectomy done after his daughter was born (she was 6 at the time). He knew that I wanted children of my own and immediately brought the vasectomy to my attention. 

I took a chance.

You could imagine the feeling I had when he broke the news of the vasectomy. The lump in my throat and the way my stomach felt was an all too familiar feeling. That feeling of, what now?  At the time, I casually brushed it off and went on like it wasn't a big deal to me. After all, there's adoption, IVF, IUI, etc, right?

As time went by, our feelings grew stronger and stronger for one another. We talked through several different options when it came to our relationship.  He asked me time and time again if I was sure that I wanted to get serious with him, given the circumstances. He knew my dream was to become a mother, and after interacting with his daughter, he could see the spark in my eye for motherhood.  I think at one point he really considered letting me "go" because he didn't want to ruin my dream in life. I couldn't just walk away from him. I had real feelings for him. What kind of regret would I have had to live with if I did that?

I kept reassuring myself that I were going to become a mother one day, regardless. Adoption is always an option.

In August, C popped the question. It was amazing. Hot air balloon ride with everything thought out! Stunningly romantic (especially for a guy that's romantic once in a blue moon!).

Oh, I said yes, by the way!

Fast forward...April 2016, C called me with exciting news. He had been researching. Wait, what?! If you know anything about him, he doesn't research. I was excited to hear what he had to say. He explained that he had found a place with EXCELLENT ratings for reversal vasectomies. The hope and flutter I had in my heart was astounding. When he got home, we sat down and he showed me what he found.  We later did more research and set him up an appointment for May.

He had the reversal done in May and we were told we could start about 4 weeks later. He was also told that if we weren't pregnant before September that he needed to get a seaman analysis done.  September came and he did as instructed. His results were off the charts and well past where they were wanting it to be.

Oh, we got married in there somewhere, too... July 16, 2016.

So there's a shortened version of a quick 4 year update.

Still only one pink line, but more updates to come.

Oh and as a side note, all parties that I talk/talked about in my blog have given me permission, as I do realize this is pretty personal stuff :).  If you want to read my very first post and understand why I am doing this....here's a link. Enjoy!

~Jess