Maybe Next Year

So, I haven't written in a while since I was pretty much up to date, but a few things have come up.

Mother nature didn't come until day 35 of my cycle. I was exactly one week late. I thought for sure I was pregnant and boy was I getting excited. I thought, wow! We were able to do it without drugs. Ha, who was I kidding. Looking back it was probably due to immense amount of stress that I was under, leading up to Thanksgiving. I had 14 people coming to my house and I had to make sure it was clean and everything was in place. You know how that goes.  

Well, I called the doctor on the morning of day 35, it was a Friday. I hadn't started yet and I thought they should have an update. The nurse told me that it was too late for me to come in since they were closing early, that I would need to come in on Monday for some labs. However, if I did start I needed to go pick up the birth control and start taking the pill on day 2 of my cycle to delay my period until after Christmas. Great, I would just wait it out. Hopefully my period wouldn't start and the home pregnancy tests that I had taken were wrong with their stupid one pink line. Maybe I wouldn't have to go on the dreaded birth control! Time passed and sure enough, mother nature came the night of day 35. Great. Go figure. 

I went to the pharmacy to pick up the pills. I was so upset. I hated that they were making me go on birth control. Agh. "Birth control"! Those two words are not meant for me! We're not trying to prevent a baby. Geesh. I haven't been on birth control in about 6 years and I am scared of it. I hate it. It makes me insane and way too hormonal.

I've taken about 5 doses of birth control and I really can't stand it. It makes me feel crazy and makes me cranky. I get why they're making me take it, they want my cycle to be in a certain place so they can monitor me. I get that they shouldn't have to work on Christmas. I get it. But, what I don't get, is WHY. Why in the world does my body have to go through this? On medication, off medication, and on a different type of medication. You think I'm hormonal? You better believe I am! Poor E. Okay, so it's my own doing, but c'mon, we obviously want a baby more then anything in the world. So as I type, here we are on month 27 and we can't even try to get pregnant. I actually have to take over a months supply of birth control to delay it to where they want it to be.....waiting waiting waiting. Story of my life.

Everything happens for a reason, I suppose.  It doesn't mean that my heart isn't heavy, nor does it mean with every facebook announcement, or Kate Middleton news about a royal baby, does my womb cry out with pure emptiness. 

Goodbye month 27. I'll see month 28 on December 31st. 

Maybe we can conceive next year.  

~Jess