IUI or Bust!

There has been a couple things happen since the last time I posted.

Originally we had plans to get work ups done to go to Seattle, Washington to do IVF. We started the workups and even got the results;  I have plenty of eggs left in my lifetime and all levels are normal. We started contemplating on what we should do or if we should wait a while before actually doing the IVF procedure.

We had many real discussions about the different options we had to include using donor sperm in an IUI procedure. Since C's last seaman analysis that was done when we were in Missouri (4 months ago), the reversal vasectomy didn't seem to have worked. Now, that's not an easy topic to talk about, but it is real nonetheless. We were looking for options. Less expensive options. You see, we are in the middle of purchasing a home. A home for a child to grow up in, but we have to make a list of priorities and build a bit of a foundation first. $10k-$12k is a lot of money to give for a procedure right now that isn't guaranteed. That kind of money on a chance. I am not a gambler by any means, and the chances I've taken over the past 8 years to have a child isn't really in my favor...


We expressed our situation and our thoughts to my doctor and she asked C to do another seaman analysis just for the heck of it. She wanted to see where his counts were before we made any rash decisions to put this off or go in a direction that maybe we didn't want to go.

He did the test and after what seemed like a lifetime of waiting, the doctor called me. She went over his counts line by line. She told me what he had then she told me what the minimum was. He was winning in all categories. When she got to the mobility (the one category we were afraid of) my heart skipped a beat. She said he was above the minimum by 17%. They want 40% mobility and he is at 57%! I immediately stopped her and asked her if it was possible and she said yes!! The next number she got to was some fancy terminology for the sperm fighting off each other...she said he had some of that going on, but not much. She thought it was a possibility that he had an infection that never healed from his reversal causing that and prescribed him some antibiotics.

We went over all of the numbers on his SA and then began speaking next step! She said that we could do IUI instead of IVF! How amazing! This was music to my ears. I had told her that I had only had three rounds of clomid and follistim in the past, so I was in the clear to do more (they only want you to do up to 12 maximum rounds in your lifetime). She first proposed the idea of doing 3 rounds of timed intercourse while I used ovulation drugs (remember, I ovulate on my own, so these drugs make me psych-o!). I told her I needed to speak with C and that I really didn't think he had the patients to mess around with "timed intercourse". She then proposed the idea of just one round of timed intercourse and then we would do IUI. I agreed. She prescribed me letrozole (alternate to Clomid for growing up follicles for eggs) and Ovidrel (trigger/HCG for releasing eggs/ovulating).

I am to start my letrozole the third day of my cycle (today!) and make an appointment for an intra-uterine ultrasound on day 11/12 so they can check to see how many follicles my body is growing. If there are too many, they will cancel timed intercourse for my safety (don't think my body can take more than 3 babies inside). We will perform timed intercourse this cycle, but next cycle we will do IUI! We are both very excited to begin this process (and to save money!).

Please send all of the baby dust our way! <3

~Jess

Big Sky Doctor

Well, we have made it to the rocky mountains of our forever home in Montana!

I went to the doctor this past week and, overall, it went well. C was able to go with me so that was nice.

After going through the usual 30 minute explanation of my fertility issues to the nurse and then the doctor we finally were able to start talking about what was next.  My doctor is very knowledgeable and she better explained everything to me. She was very in-depth and sympathetic all at the same time. I was very comfortable with her and I trusted her. This is obviously a huge deal.

She told me that all of the previous testing that I had done before was only good for one year. I couldn't believe it, well I guess I didn't want to believe it. I dreaded having to do the HSG test ever again. I immediately asked if that was something we needed to do. She said yes. I seriously had tears in my eyes knowing how painful the test was the first time, but promptly agreed knowing I'd do anything to move the process along to have a child.

I told her about C's testing and that my last doctor told us to not even waste our time with IUI and she agreed, given the circumstances. She then decided that we didn't have to do the HSG test if we were going to do IVF. (HSG is a test to see if the fallopian tubes are open). Doing IVF, I don't even need to use my fallopian tubes.

We talked about the procedure of IVF and weighed out all of the options. She told us that there is a facility in Billings, MT (3.5 hours away) that usually has a wait time involved or we could go to Seattle, WA (9 hours away) and have a better staff and not such a long wait time. We asked her honest opinion and she said that we should go to Seattle to do the procedure. She said they will extract my eggs and will make embryos by combining my eggs and his sperm. They will make more than one embryo and they can freeze some to use again in the future.

It's obviously going to be really expensive all around, but we truly think it will be worth it in the end. C is my biggest supporter who is really pushing this no matter the cost. If you know anything about us, I'm the one that is more reserved when it comes to spending money, so I have a hard time understanding the why behind all of this. It shouldn't be this difficult. Honestly, it just makes me angry that this is such the struggle that it is.

She sent me off to do testing at the lab and C another seamen analysis. She wanted to see how many eggs I have left in my lifetime and several other testing (6 vials of blood later!). She is doing the workup to get us ready for the folks in Seattle. We will go back for the results next week. Also, at that time, she will do an intra-uterine ultrasound to do the measurements of my uterus.

She told us in the meantime to continue monitoring my ovulation by using the OPKs (my fancy flashing smiley face pee sticks!).

We left and of course, I was in tears. The husband, bless his heart, doesn't know how to react to that, so he did his best and we went on.

I continued to monitor my ovulation and to my surprise my fancy sticks showed high fertility one day and then BOOM, peak fertility! I ovulated! I ovulated on day 13. This was pretty early compared to my last cycles, so we have a small bit of hope that maybe his [very few] swimmers might make it to an egg.

So, that week was pretty much a roller coaster ride. I keep telling my parents that we are taking up donations to go through with this IVF/trip to Seattle, but in actuality, I wouldn't ask a thing from anyone. Continue to pray for us and always remember no matter the struggle, you're never alone.

Until next time.

~Jess

Double Whammy?

Well.

It's been three weeks since I got our latest news. It's taken me that long to actually come to a place in my head where I can talk about what I was told last without feeling judged.

Judged? Yep. Judged.

I have an eight year old step daughter who has approached me several times about my fertility status. Yep. An eight year old. It's not just the typical, "I really want a brother/sister", that you would expect. It's more like, "[so and so] said, 'you can't have babies' and I tell them it's not true and it's not any of their business", or better yet..."[so and so] said, 'if you have a baby, you'll forget about me and love them more'".  Why does this become such a weekly battle? That's not okay. Period. It's just not. Why are you talking about me to a child?

Anyway. If you know anything about me or this blog, it's not for the 'attention', it's about being able to be there for someone who needs it. Someone who isn't as open as I am about my situation dreams and for those who need to know that they're not alone. Think about it...have you ever felt alone? I'm sure you have, and it's not a pleasant feeling. Knowing you're not alone takes the weight off of your shoulders for some unbeknownst reason; that's human nature, I suppose. I write these because I honestly feel like God has entrusted me to help women like myself. Now, if you want to hate on me for doing that, then go ahead. Throw your stones, but throw them at me.

Okay, now that's out of the way I can go back to my 'news'.

We got C's second seaman analysis results back and there wasn't much difference between the first and the second. The forward motion did not improve much. His count and the rest of the numbers were great, however, the doctor (and us) jokingly say they're "swimming in circles, chasing their tails". Hey- at least we can make light of the situation, right?

I already had made peace with that news, so it didn't bother me as much as the latter news. I already knew we were looking at IUI, but wasn't really expecting what was to come...

After using an OPK and peeing on sticks for 10 days straight, I never did see a clear sight that I was ovulating. We did the blood test on day 3 and again on day 22. This was all assuming I'd have my not-so-normal/[used to be] normal 28-32 day cycle. That being said, my progesterone levels were way too low on day 22. With my levels being so low (3, needing to be above 12) it meant that I did not ovulate, which would explain why I didn't have a clear site on my OPK sticks.

I was in disbelief. This was the first time I had ever been told that I didn't ovulate on my own. I didn't understand and I thought for sure I was going to vomit or have a nervous breakdown in the doctor's office. C wasn't with me, so it made it extra tough.

I searched for clarification asking him why I have regular cycles without ovulating? He said I probably ovulate, but it's "hit or miss from month to month". Uhm. What the?! He went on further to  explain this big long explanation of some scientific terminology using the female hormones and anatomy, but yet, my usual 'yep, I know what you're talking about' demeanor wasn't there. I was zoned out. I was fixated on the fact that I did not ovulate.

I then asked questions like, "well, what can we do? Do I need to start on clomid?"

Now, I took clomid before, but that was to guarantee I'd ovulate. Even then, I would ovulate on my own. So...what's the malfunction?

He told me that he didn't want to start me on clomid (or a drug closely related) because he couldn't monitor me since we were moving out of state in less than a month. He then proceeded to talk to me about IVF. In-vitro fertilization. Whenever I hear those words all I hear is my bank account tumbling down the three flights of stairs.

He told me that we shouldn't waste our time with IUI and go straight to IVF. I asked him if there were a way around those dollar signs when it came to the procedure, but then he backed off and said, "well, I mean, you could try a couple of IUI rounds, but honestly, I'd go straight to IVF". He said with C's forward motion not going anywhere, that IUI may not be the best option for success.

I left the hospital in shambles.

Called my husband, texted my mom. Cried.

My husband's answer, "I'm sorry babe, I've done everything I can do and will do whatever you want to do, but I think we should go for the IVF. We will figure it out. We have each other." This man. He has done everything he could possibly do. I mean, who would lay on a table a second time to get their boys worked on to have the reverse effect- not even knowing if it would be a success? A man who loves their woman with their whole being, that's who. My husband. I'm blessed for sure.

Now, on the other hand, my cycle ended up being 37 days instead of 28-32, so did that mean I ovulated late? Or am I just stressed to no-end? Who knows, but what I do know is that I will continue to monitor with my, now advanced, OPK's with their flashing smiley faces and figure this out.

Until then, I guess our next adventure is tackling IVF. Holy crap. We could use all of the prayers we could get. My next appointment is the very beginning of March. A new doctor, a new state, a new start. We got this.

On a side note, I have a heck of a support system...my best friend/maid of honor sent me a card full of confetti. Thinking she was pregnant C and I jumped for joy, but then opened it to see how much she is cheering for us! We both appreciate all of the support everyone does give. <3

~Jess

Another Step

I had an OB/GYN appointment last week.

I sat in the waiting room, for what seemed like an eternity. Since C was at work, I was alone.

One pregnant woman after another. If she wasn't pregnant, she was carrying a newborn. Talk about a battle...I just wanted to throw myself in the floor like a toddler and cry, however, I actually had a little bit of hope. I was ONE day late. Ha. Who am I kidding, right?

My name finally was called to head back to the doctor.

The doctor was great. He was thorough and answered almost all of my questions. What was really neat is that he used to have his own private practice where he did IUI (insemination) and other procedures that the military doesn't allow him to do (insurance purposes).

After hearing about my history, he immediately suggested IUI. I asked him a million and one questions about the procedure to include cost and success rates.

With my ex we never tried IUI. I just did the follistim shots and clomid to force ovulation (which I usually do on my own anyway...). Just another God-sent sign that I wasn't meant to have a child with him...

Anyway, back to cost. I was certain it was going to be rather expensive because that's what my fertility specialist back in Georgia (2012) told me. I was thinking thousands of dollars. To my surprise he told me it would be less than $300- although every practice is different.

He dug out my chart to include my husband's seaman analysis results. I had explained that we were told that his numbers were "off the charts" after his reversal. Well, apparently, not in all areas. WHAT?!  I was shocked to hear this. He went over it line by line with me. He told me that his sperm count was GREAT, but his forward motion was not where it needed to be. This just confirmed even more that we need to go ahead with the IUI.

I also told him that I was on day 31 of my 28-30 day cycle. Well, he asked about testing. I told him I didn't want to see another negative pregnancy test and he concurred. He understood what I meant and what I was going through emotionally! Holy cow! I've never had a doctor as sympathetic as he was.

I went on to ask him about the referral process and explained to him that we didn't have much more time in Missouri (a little over a month!). He suggested I called around to Montana OB/GYN clinics and ask about pricing/insurance coverage. He then told me to come back on day 3 of my cycle and again on day 21 to do blood work to make sure I am ovulating on my own. If I'm not ovulating on my own, he will give me an alternative to clomid (totally told him, NO to clomid!) to force the process.  In the mean time, I was instructed to continue using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) and to get my husband to do another seamen analysis.

When I got home, I called around to the different OB/GYN clinics in Montana and finally got an answer AND was able to schedule an appointment! I couldn't be happier to feel like we are getting somewhere. I go in for my consult on the 3rd of March and hopefully we can get this IUI process moving.

The next day, still no period. I caved. I tested. Negative.

I waited until I was a whole week late. Tested. Negative. I was so angry. Maybe I'm that .01%? Ha. Who am I kidding? C had some hope...actually, he had a ton of hope. He was overjoyed with the thought of me being pregnant. I was trying to just keep my composure. He was the one that gave me hope. It was nice to see that he was so energetic and happy about the slight possibility of starting a family together...until the next morning.

I woke up hurting like no other. Of course. Mother Nature rears her ugly face on day 9 of being late. Thus, we start all over again.

Poor C, he gets so hopeful then boom. I see the hope in his eyes and in his heart, that it just kills me that my body isn't allowing our dream to come true. He has already named our son and is close to a full name for a daughter...he's so excited that he tears up about the thought of our dreams coming true.

Praying and hopeful for another step in the right direction.

~Jess

Here We Go.

Well, here we go, I went to my first doctor appointment this week for my current infertility...

Most of you who have followed my blog know of all the struggles I went through during my first marriage. I am blessed by the good Lord that I did not end up pregnant- a true testimony that shows that He is in control.

When I was explaining my situation to the nurse she stopped and said, "well thank goodness you didn't end up pregnant with him."  Well, lady. That's a given. I was so annoyed because she interrupted my timeline of events with that statement. I wanted to ask her if she thought the pain was any different back then? I wanted to ask her if she knew how it felt to go years of wanting a baby, but not being able to conceive, or the pain of not even knowing why you couldn't have one. I didn't. I was displeased with her, but took a breath and continued my explanation.

HSG (painful test to check blockage in the fallopian tubes), numerous blood tests, clomid (ovulation medicine), ovulation tests, charting, temping, trans-vaginal ultrasounds, follistim (self-administered shots in the stomach)....the list goes on.

The doctor came back and I think she spoke two sentences to me. "I've heard you have been through it all when it comes to fertility?" Yes, ma'am. "I'm going to refer you straight to OBGYN and let them review your file and possibly refer you out to a specialist".

Mind you, she is my primary care doctor. I have to see her first. Yay for by-the-book processes. Thankfully after asking her if she was going to run any tests on me, she said she was going to skip all of those since I had been through them before.  She couldn't guarantee that OB was going to skip anything though. I had asked about the HSG test and she grimaced. That was the only test I didn't care to do again. It's very painful, but I'll definitely go through it if necessary.

A lot of you missed the whole story from the beginning, but if you want to read about the HSG portion of my adventure click here... it's a not-so-fun story to tell and not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

I finally got my referral to OB. My appointment is on the 10th of January, so we will see what they have to say. I assume they will start me over with the process and prescribe Clomid to me, yet again. I have already apologized to C, as I know I will be crazy with that medication. Oh, how I loathe Clomid. It makes me crazy hormonal!! Agh! He's already been so supportive and reassuring me that we will get through this together.

I want this badly, but I know the struggle all too well and it's no less scarier than it was before.

Lots of continued prayers would be amazing, as I am certain God is brewing up a perfect plan for us.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and a Merry Christmas!

~Jess

How Do I Even Title This...

I'm angry.

I'm not just angry, I'm furious. My husband and I have been going through some very stressful times recently and to be honest, it isn't anything to do with our relationship.  There are so many outside stressors from other people that it makes me cringe.

I don't like to play the blame game, but there's no way we would be able to conceive with the kinds of stress we are (and have been) dealing with.

We are planning a huge move to Montana (from Missouri) in a few months (YAY!), but what's so crazy is...that's not even the stressful part! Crazy, right?!

Well, anyway. I'm obviously a little ticked off, so let's move on...

My cycles are usually on the dot 28-30 days. Well, guess what...I was six days LATE. Oh my, what a scary, yet exciting feeling. Scary? You ask? Well, yes, scary because I didn't want to pee on a stick to just get a negative...again.  Exciting because there was hope. I don't like to throw that term around lightly, but yes, hope. I waited and waited. The only reason why I did pee on a stick was because C told me to. It was like he convinced my inner 'am I actually pregnant' to come out or something.

I hate staring at a pregnancy test just waiting and waiting...and waiting. I stared at the thing so long hoping, and slightly, expecting there to be a second line. I stared so long that my brain was imagining things. Blah. Tears. Yes, tears. Not once, but twice did I do this to myself. Once on the 4th day of being late and again on the 5th. I read blog after blog and thread after thread on how so many people get their BFP (big fat positive) way later than whatever point I was at. It gave me some hope, it honestly did...

Aunty flow decided to rear her big fat ugly head yesterday. That made me angry, but yet relieved. Relieved because I didn't have to face the fact that I had to take another test that was negative, and still search for some sort of false hope. Since she showed up, I can breath and actually know that I'm not pregnant and we can just try again soon.  Isn't that ridiculous? Women are ridiculously emotional. Holy crap!

Anyway, I'm almost certain mother nature was late due to the stress going on in our life. I wish it'd all go away, it would make things so much easier, but hey, that's life, right?! No, we are learning to choose our battles and we are learning who to actually battle with. We are attempting to weed out the toxic in our life and just attempt to roll with the punches.

We certainly have our faith, and that's what matters most. I pray every night God sees what is happening. I know he wouldn't pick us to deal with this stuff if we weren't strong enough. One day, we will have a child of our own, I just know it. Whether by blood or adoption, our dreams will come true.

~Jess

Chiropractor?

I've been in the Army over 3 years now and it's been pretty physically demanding, as you can imagine. I've been on many rucks (hikes) carrying heavy packs on my petite stature while wearing gear from head to toe, amongst other physical training activities.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but it definitely has always been rough on me-from the start. We all know that women's bodies/hips are built to have children, not carry a bunch of weight on our backs (although, that doesn't stop us!).

About a year ago, I finally, after MANY doctor appointments and physical therapy, found out that I had to have surgery on my hip. I had a labrum tear. I had the surgery and did the physical therapy, but to this day, it still bothers me. Recently, on top of that, I've been having issues with my neck and back. They told me that I had lost the natural curvature in my neck and sent me to physical therapy. The folks in physical therapy are amazing, but unfortunately the exercises did not improve my pain or mobility.  The next step was the chiropractor.

Chiropractor? Seriously? Yes.

My first visit he told me I was completely locked up from my head to my tail bone.  This included my hips being unlevel, my SI joint completely locked to the right, and a few (yes a few!) ribs out of place. What the heck?  He instructed me to come back weekly.

I did as he instructed. One visit, it dawned on me. Maybe I should ask about infertility. I felt funny about asking him about it, but I swore that I had seen something about the chiropractor helping a woman in one of the many blogs I've read, so I went for it. His immediate response was, "Yes, absolutely." He told me that my hips had been twisted pretty bad every time I had come into the office. He said my hips being twisted like that could restrict my reproductive organs. Wow. By him adjusting me, it may, in fact, help with conception!  He went on to explain that because of how "locked up" I was it would keep me in a constant "flight or fight" mode. As a result of that, I would not be able to sleep or cope with stress (that explains a lot!). In turn, this would make it hard for conception because, in theory, you want to be relaxed and not stressed, so your body can do the work.

He actually brought me a whole lot of relief, not only physically, but mentally as well. I was there right before ovulation this month for an adjustment and just went back yesterday (7 days past ovulation). He told me my hips had stayed level! That was good news. I mean, a few of my ribs on my upper half were out of place, but hey, I'd rather that be the case then my hips twisted up again! I'm sleeping better (the first time in MONTHS I can say that!) and my stress level hasn't been as high as it was!

Both C and I have hope this month, but we will see what God has in store for us. Everything happens in His time.

That's all for now. Enjoy your day and thank you for following!

Oh, and by the way, you never know what people are going through. If you think my blog will help someone please share. I'm writing my story to help others. The loneliness that I've felt before is not worth it and I wouldn't wish it upon my biggest enemy. You never know who you can help.

Love one another.

~Jess