I'm not just angry, I'm furious. My husband and I have been going through some very stressful times recently and to be honest, it isn't anything to do with our relationship. There are so many outside stressors from other people that it makes me cringe.
I don't like to play the blame game, but there's no way we would be able to conceive with the kinds of stress we are (and have been) dealing with.
We are planning a huge move to Montana (from Missouri) in a few months (YAY!), but what's so crazy is...that's not even the stressful part! Crazy, right?!
Well, anyway. I'm obviously a little ticked off, so let's move on...
My cycles are usually on the dot 28-30 days. Well, guess what...I was six days LATE. Oh my, what a scary, yet exciting feeling. Scary? You ask? Well, yes, scary because I didn't want to pee on a stick to just get a negative...again. Exciting because there was hope. I don't like to throw that term around lightly, but yes, hope. I waited and waited. The only reason why I did pee on a stick was because C told me to. It was like he convinced my inner 'am I actually pregnant' to come out or something.
I hate staring at a pregnancy test just waiting and waiting...and waiting. I stared at the thing so long hoping, and slightly, expecting there to be a second line. I stared so long that my brain was imagining things. Blah. Tears. Yes, tears. Not once, but twice did I do this to myself. Once on the 4th day of being late and again on the 5th. I read blog after blog and thread after thread on how so many people get their BFP (big fat positive) way later than whatever point I was at. It gave me some hope, it honestly did...
Aunty flow decided to rear her big fat ugly head yesterday. That made me angry, but yet relieved. Relieved because I didn't have to face the fact that I had to take another test that was negative, and still search for some sort of false hope. Since she showed up, I can breath and actually know that I'm not pregnant and we can just try again soon. Isn't that ridiculous? Women are ridiculously emotional. Holy crap!
Anyway, I'm almost certain mother nature was late due to the stress going on in our life. I wish it'd all go away, it would make things so much easier, but hey, that's life, right?! No, we are learning to choose our battles and we are learning who to actually battle with. We are attempting to weed out the toxic in our life and just attempt to roll with the punches.
We certainly have our faith, and that's what matters most. I pray every night God sees what is happening. I know he wouldn't pick us to deal with this stuff if we weren't strong enough. One day, we will have a child of our own, I just know it. Whether by blood or adoption, our dreams will come true.
~Jess
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