Here We Go.

Well, here we go, I went to my first doctor appointment this week for my current infertility...

Most of you who have followed my blog know of all the struggles I went through during my first marriage. I am blessed by the good Lord that I did not end up pregnant- a true testimony that shows that He is in control.

When I was explaining my situation to the nurse she stopped and said, "well thank goodness you didn't end up pregnant with him."  Well, lady. That's a given. I was so annoyed because she interrupted my timeline of events with that statement. I wanted to ask her if she thought the pain was any different back then? I wanted to ask her if she knew how it felt to go years of wanting a baby, but not being able to conceive, or the pain of not even knowing why you couldn't have one. I didn't. I was displeased with her, but took a breath and continued my explanation.

HSG (painful test to check blockage in the fallopian tubes), numerous blood tests, clomid (ovulation medicine), ovulation tests, charting, temping, trans-vaginal ultrasounds, follistim (self-administered shots in the stomach)....the list goes on.

The doctor came back and I think she spoke two sentences to me. "I've heard you have been through it all when it comes to fertility?" Yes, ma'am. "I'm going to refer you straight to OBGYN and let them review your file and possibly refer you out to a specialist".

Mind you, she is my primary care doctor. I have to see her first. Yay for by-the-book processes. Thankfully after asking her if she was going to run any tests on me, she said she was going to skip all of those since I had been through them before.  She couldn't guarantee that OB was going to skip anything though. I had asked about the HSG test and she grimaced. That was the only test I didn't care to do again. It's very painful, but I'll definitely go through it if necessary.

A lot of you missed the whole story from the beginning, but if you want to read about the HSG portion of my adventure click here... it's a not-so-fun story to tell and not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

I finally got my referral to OB. My appointment is on the 10th of January, so we will see what they have to say. I assume they will start me over with the process and prescribe Clomid to me, yet again. I have already apologized to C, as I know I will be crazy with that medication. Oh, how I loathe Clomid. It makes me crazy hormonal!! Agh! He's already been so supportive and reassuring me that we will get through this together.

I want this badly, but I know the struggle all too well and it's no less scarier than it was before.

Lots of continued prayers would be amazing, as I am certain God is brewing up a perfect plan for us.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and a Merry Christmas!

~Jess

How Do I Even Title This...

I'm angry.

I'm not just angry, I'm furious. My husband and I have been going through some very stressful times recently and to be honest, it isn't anything to do with our relationship.  There are so many outside stressors from other people that it makes me cringe.

I don't like to play the blame game, but there's no way we would be able to conceive with the kinds of stress we are (and have been) dealing with.

We are planning a huge move to Montana (from Missouri) in a few months (YAY!), but what's so crazy is...that's not even the stressful part! Crazy, right?!

Well, anyway. I'm obviously a little ticked off, so let's move on...

My cycles are usually on the dot 28-30 days. Well, guess what...I was six days LATE. Oh my, what a scary, yet exciting feeling. Scary? You ask? Well, yes, scary because I didn't want to pee on a stick to just get a negative...again.  Exciting because there was hope. I don't like to throw that term around lightly, but yes, hope. I waited and waited. The only reason why I did pee on a stick was because C told me to. It was like he convinced my inner 'am I actually pregnant' to come out or something.

I hate staring at a pregnancy test just waiting and waiting...and waiting. I stared at the thing so long hoping, and slightly, expecting there to be a second line. I stared so long that my brain was imagining things. Blah. Tears. Yes, tears. Not once, but twice did I do this to myself. Once on the 4th day of being late and again on the 5th. I read blog after blog and thread after thread on how so many people get their BFP (big fat positive) way later than whatever point I was at. It gave me some hope, it honestly did...

Aunty flow decided to rear her big fat ugly head yesterday. That made me angry, but yet relieved. Relieved because I didn't have to face the fact that I had to take another test that was negative, and still search for some sort of false hope. Since she showed up, I can breath and actually know that I'm not pregnant and we can just try again soon.  Isn't that ridiculous? Women are ridiculously emotional. Holy crap!

Anyway, I'm almost certain mother nature was late due to the stress going on in our life. I wish it'd all go away, it would make things so much easier, but hey, that's life, right?! No, we are learning to choose our battles and we are learning who to actually battle with. We are attempting to weed out the toxic in our life and just attempt to roll with the punches.

We certainly have our faith, and that's what matters most. I pray every night God sees what is happening. I know he wouldn't pick us to deal with this stuff if we weren't strong enough. One day, we will have a child of our own, I just know it. Whether by blood or adoption, our dreams will come true.

~Jess

Chiropractor?

I've been in the Army over 3 years now and it's been pretty physically demanding, as you can imagine. I've been on many rucks (hikes) carrying heavy packs on my petite stature while wearing gear from head to toe, amongst other physical training activities.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but it definitely has always been rough on me-from the start. We all know that women's bodies/hips are built to have children, not carry a bunch of weight on our backs (although, that doesn't stop us!).

About a year ago, I finally, after MANY doctor appointments and physical therapy, found out that I had to have surgery on my hip. I had a labrum tear. I had the surgery and did the physical therapy, but to this day, it still bothers me. Recently, on top of that, I've been having issues with my neck and back. They told me that I had lost the natural curvature in my neck and sent me to physical therapy. The folks in physical therapy are amazing, but unfortunately the exercises did not improve my pain or mobility.  The next step was the chiropractor.

Chiropractor? Seriously? Yes.

My first visit he told me I was completely locked up from my head to my tail bone.  This included my hips being unlevel, my SI joint completely locked to the right, and a few (yes a few!) ribs out of place. What the heck?  He instructed me to come back weekly.

I did as he instructed. One visit, it dawned on me. Maybe I should ask about infertility. I felt funny about asking him about it, but I swore that I had seen something about the chiropractor helping a woman in one of the many blogs I've read, so I went for it. His immediate response was, "Yes, absolutely." He told me that my hips had been twisted pretty bad every time I had come into the office. He said my hips being twisted like that could restrict my reproductive organs. Wow. By him adjusting me, it may, in fact, help with conception!  He went on to explain that because of how "locked up" I was it would keep me in a constant "flight or fight" mode. As a result of that, I would not be able to sleep or cope with stress (that explains a lot!). In turn, this would make it hard for conception because, in theory, you want to be relaxed and not stressed, so your body can do the work.

He actually brought me a whole lot of relief, not only physically, but mentally as well. I was there right before ovulation this month for an adjustment and just went back yesterday (7 days past ovulation). He told me my hips had stayed level! That was good news. I mean, a few of my ribs on my upper half were out of place, but hey, I'd rather that be the case then my hips twisted up again! I'm sleeping better (the first time in MONTHS I can say that!) and my stress level hasn't been as high as it was!

Both C and I have hope this month, but we will see what God has in store for us. Everything happens in His time.

That's all for now. Enjoy your day and thank you for following!

Oh, and by the way, you never know what people are going through. If you think my blog will help someone please share. I'm writing my story to help others. The loneliness that I've felt before is not worth it and I wouldn't wish it upon my biggest enemy. You never know who you can help.

Love one another.

~Jess

Jealousy?

My last post was, more or less, just a really quick update.

In my next few posts, I plan to go into some details on the past 4 years.

As you can imagine, in 4 years I've seen countless baby announcements, births, and even held brand new babies.

Even after I started my divorce and wasn't trying to have a baby, the "pain" never subsided until just about a week ago. I call it pain, but, it was somehow a happy, yet sad pain.  I'm really not sure how to explain the emotion that I had. Don't get me wrong, I am, and was, so happy for all of my friends who have been building their families, but somewhere in the back of my mind was that....jealous feeling. Okay, so maybe the word is jealousy? I've never been a jealous person. I've been blessed with many things and people who love me, so to feel jealousy about someone else's happiness is just so...wrong.  I say that the pain has subsided, because I noticed, last week, that I had a peacefully happy mindset as I scrolled through the babies of Facebook. For the first time in over 6 years, I was extremely happy for these folks.

I always wondered if I'd have a baby or even a chance to have a family with someone following my divorce. So when I met C and heard about his vasectomy, the emotions that came with it were crazy.  Given that he has a child of his own, I found myself angry. Why could he have a child with her and not me? What did she do to deserve that? I found myself being uncontrollably jealous. Oh, how I hate that word!

It's always hard being a "step-parent", no matter the case, but it has taken a definite toll on me given my situation with fertility (side note- I have only been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility"). I give my all to a child that, in the end, isn't mine. I don't get to make decisions about her life, I have no say-so, and she isn't with us 100% of the time. Fortunately, my husband and I are an amazing team with raising J, and we make decisions together. We discipline as necessary and I am never left out of the decision making process, but still. J and I have a wonderful relationship and she knows that I have her back- no matter what. Heck, 9 times out of 10, she'll come to me before she goes to C with anything. I cherish our relationship and I'll always treat her as my own because at the end of the day, I married both of them.

J has come to me so many times asking me when she was going to become a big sister. She asks, almost weekly, "do you and daddy want a boy or a girl?", "what would you name your baby?". She is very anxious and very excited.  I spoil her and -usually- she gets what she wants, but a baby?!  One day she'll understand. It just breaks my heart that I can't be certain of when or if she'll get a sibling anytime soon. Her Christmas list this year, she wrote to Santa and asked him to "bring daddy and Jess a baby". Heart-wrenching.

Well, since I seemed to get off on a tangent,I'll wrap it up for now. Until next time.

~Jess

The Big "V" Bomb.

Well, it's been nearly 4 years since I've even touched or came back to this blog. How crazy is that?! Most of you reading this probably have no clue what's going on or why I have this blog.  I figured it was time for an update...

Where do I begin?! Whew! What a crazy last four years it has been.

The husband I refer to in the earlier posts is now my ex-husband. We had a pretty rough falling out, but we both understand that we are on two very different paths.  We tried for a couple years to have a family. Now we look back and see why we went through what we did with infertility and why we weren't getting what we wanted.

Everything happens for a reason. God's listening, but HE knows what is best.

I joined the Army back in August of 2013.

After my divorce was final I met an amazing man...

C told me right away that he had a daughter. That, obviously didn't phase me one bit and I agreed to another date.  About four weeks into dating, he dropped a huge bomb on me. He told me he had had a vasectomy done after his daughter was born (she was 6 at the time). He knew that I wanted children of my own and immediately brought the vasectomy to my attention. 

I took a chance.

You could imagine the feeling I had when he broke the news of the vasectomy. The lump in my throat and the way my stomach felt was an all too familiar feeling. That feeling of, what now?  At the time, I casually brushed it off and went on like it wasn't a big deal to me. After all, there's adoption, IVF, IUI, etc, right?

As time went by, our feelings grew stronger and stronger for one another. We talked through several different options when it came to our relationship.  He asked me time and time again if I was sure that I wanted to get serious with him, given the circumstances. He knew my dream was to become a mother, and after interacting with his daughter, he could see the spark in my eye for motherhood.  I think at one point he really considered letting me "go" because he didn't want to ruin my dream in life. I couldn't just walk away from him. I had real feelings for him. What kind of regret would I have had to live with if I did that?

I kept reassuring myself that I were going to become a mother one day, regardless. Adoption is always an option.

In August, C popped the question. It was amazing. Hot air balloon ride with everything thought out! Stunningly romantic (especially for a guy that's romantic once in a blue moon!).

Oh, I said yes, by the way!

Fast forward...April 2016, C called me with exciting news. He had been researching. Wait, what?! If you know anything about him, he doesn't research. I was excited to hear what he had to say. He explained that he had found a place with EXCELLENT ratings for reversal vasectomies. The hope and flutter I had in my heart was astounding. When he got home, we sat down and he showed me what he found.  We later did more research and set him up an appointment for May.

He had the reversal done in May and we were told we could start about 4 weeks later. He was also told that if we weren't pregnant before September that he needed to get a seaman analysis done.  September came and he did as instructed. His results were off the charts and well past where they were wanting it to be.

Oh, we got married in there somewhere, too... July 16, 2016.

So there's a shortened version of a quick 4 year update.

Still only one pink line, but more updates to come.

Oh and as a side note, all parties that I talk/talked about in my blog have given me permission, as I do realize this is pretty personal stuff :).  If you want to read my very first post and understand why I am doing this....here's a link. Enjoy!

~Jess

Stand Still.

Here we are. It's Wednesday.

From my last post, you know that this is our final month of trying for a while due to some unforeseen circumstances with my husband and the military (see post "Never Lose Hope"). Month 28.

I went to the doctor to be monitored and to have another exam early Sunday morning. I had lowered my dosage like he had asked and was in high hopes for great results. He took a look and really couldn't believe how much my follicles had grown. I proceeded to ask if he could see the eggs or how he knew how many eggs I would produce. He told me that he couldn't see the eggs, he could only see the follicles which basically harbor the eggs. The bigger the follicle, the more likely an egg will develop. I could tell how reluctant he was and I knew he didn't like the fact that he started me on 75 IUIs right out of the gate. He was worried I'd develop too many eggs. He went ahead and instructed me to take 50 IUIs over the next three days, to go get blood work (like every time before) and that he'd see me on Wednesday. He also instructed me to be sure to have my phone on me, just in case he needed to lower my follistim injection dosage.

E and I left the office on Sunday with the highest hopes that I would develop the two-three eggs that he wanted me to develop and we would actually have the wonderful opportunity to see two pink lines. I had stuck myself for the last 7 days, each time taking 30 seconds to talk myself into it and to say "this will be worth it". As we were pulling into the driveway after the hour and a half drive to the doctor I received a phone call. The Dr had reviewed my labs and he said he needed to lower my dosage. Each day going down by one click on the follistim pen and ending at 25 IUIs on Tuesday evening. I thought, wow! He's super scared of me developing too many eggs and if my math was correct I would be taking LESS total medication then I did the first round of injections. How in the world will that work!?! I got discouraged and thought I wouldn't develop the eggs he wanted me to, but I followed the doctors orders. I took 47, 38, and 25 IUIS over the next three days and had crazy hormones with intense sense of smell!

I went to the doctor today as instructed for my monitoring. I made the long journey by myself. I left a half an hour earlier then normal and fought all the rush hour traffic (like a boss). I was super early so I decided to use the restroom and take my time getting up to the doctors office. When I finally got up to the office the receptionist asked me to update my information, I thought it was kind of strange, but convinced myself that it was probably due to the new year. I didn't know. I then saw the doctor escort a patient back and he had his scrubs on with his hair net thing (I don't know what those are called) and his shoe protectors on. That was odd, as I had never seen him in such attire before. I then realized what was going on, the patients husband had been called back and he had just done either an IUI, IVF, or a laparoscopy procedure. I mean, I narrowed it down to IUI or IVF because of the expression and hope on the husbands face. I took it all in and watched as the remaining patients were called back and I was the only one left in the waiting room.

I was finally called back. I was told to take my bottoms off and to leave a sample. Say what!? I had never had to leave a sample before and I had just used the restroom. Hopefully I can manage to give a sample! I was able to and I did as I was instructed and waited for the doctor to come back to see me.

He and the nurse came in, both in scrubs. At least he didn't have his hair net or shoe things on anymore because then I would really be freaked out! He took a look and didn't seem very happy to see what he was seeing. While doing the exam I noticed that the measurements he was reading aloud for the nurse to record were larger then they had ever been and there were a lot more of them. He had also confirmed what type of insurance I had and inquired about my job all while doing a very uncomfortable exam. I told him I worked from home and he seemed a bit more relieved. As he went on I realized he wasn't at all happy with what he was seeing. My follicles towards the end of a round of injections would usually measure around 18 mm and only one or two. Mine were ranging from 14-21mm, but mainly 18-21 and at least 10 total were measuring at that size. I'm not a doctor an expert or anything but I from what he told me on Sunday I knew having that many big follicles wasn't a good sign. He finished the exam, asked me to get dressed and head to his office.

I got dressed and all I wanted to do was cry. I knew something was wrong just by his expression and questions. This guy never asked personable questions about anything, let alone my job?! He had always been interested in getting me in and out and doing it correct, nothing more, nothing less.

I went to his office where I sat and he sat calculating my medication and trying to find words to talk to me with. Like that awkward moment of "I have to tell you something, but you're not going to like it". My nerves were shot. I didn't have E with me and I didn't know what he was going to say.

He took a look at me and started by saying, "You have too many eggs." and he was talking like 20-30 eggs! Immediately my mind raced and disappointment came over me. He then started in by saying, "BUT we have three options". I listed to his options and found hope in one of them. His options went like this: 1) Have intercourse (not recommended due to how dangerous it could be for my body and a baby or babies). 2) Abstain and do nothing and try again next cycle or 3) have a procedure TOMORROW where they would put me to sleep and suck out the follicles and leave just three eggs and go ahead and try with the hsg shot to trigger ovulation. I looked at him and immediately asked what kinds of risked were involved with the procedure. He told me that the only risk would be the anesthesia. He said that they basically do the same thing that they do for harboring IVF eggs and go into my abdominal cavity with a needle and take the eggs and just "throw them away" instead of keep them.  He told me that it would only take a day to recover, however, E would need to be there to drive me home. Wait, he said, "THROW THEM AWAY". Woah. He could tell how upset I was and asked me to talk it over with E and call him by 3pm to let him know our decision. In the meantime I still had to go to the lab to get my blood drawn again (yes, I have lovely bruises on my arms from how many times I get stuck).

I left the office and tears started running down my face. I had so many emotions. I was scared. Option number one was completely out of the picture, option number two was slightly out of the picture, and option number three just scared the crap out of me. I texted E and a couple friends to let them know the news and told E that I would call him asap. I called him and instantly was in tears. He at first, out of the gate, wanted nature to run it's course and go with option number one and go ahead and have intercourse, until I explained to him how many eggs could possibly be fertilized and how it could kill me or a baby/babies. He then explained that he didn't want me to go through any kind of pain with passing that many eggs. He said that he remembered how painful it was for me to pass the eggs with my first set of injections and he knew it would just be worse this time. He said that maybe if I had the procedure that we'd at least be able to try to have a baby and that I wouldn't be in so much pain when I went to pass the eggs if I didn't get pregnant. I agreed and said that I would see him for lunch and then I'd call the doctor with our decision.

I left the parking lot with my music off and my intent to call my mom and ask her how she felt. We had the same conversation as E and I had except that she thought I should ask the doctor about harboring the eggs instead of "throwing them away". I thought it was a great idea and told her I'd ask about the expenses and whatnot. She said that I could use them in the long run if we ever wanted to do IVF or I could always donate them to someone in need. What a fabulous idea! I would ask the doctor around lunchtime.

I finally made it back home, but had a meeting to go to as soon as I had returned as well as a hungry husband to attend to. When I was in my meeting the doctor had called me. I left my meeting and went to see E (my meeting was in the same building as his work center) and decided I'd call the doctor then so he could hear what they had to say. I figured they just wanted our decision. When the nurse answered the phone she started with "your labs came back and...". I instantly got emotional. Something was either really good or really bad. It was the latter. She said that I was ovulating on my own (without the hsg shot; remember, they cannot find a thing wrong with me) and that we had to completely skip this cycle, to abstain for at least four days. The only thing I could muster out was "okay" and hung up the phone. E looked at me and I started crying my eyes out. I explained the whole thing to him. He didn't know how to react other then to hold me.

I cried until he needed to go back to work and I cried some more. I let some friends know what was going on and they were so supportive. I'm going to be honest, I even went home and cried some more and babied myself by laying on the couch today. I needed some time to myself.

My heart is completely broken. My hopes were shattered for this round. We now have to wait until we figure out what's going on with E's job situation and our issues with health benefits. It's the best decision we can make, to stop, until we have the means to support a child, but a hard one nonetheless.

I really thought this would be it. I thought I'd see two pink lines this last go around. We'll start back up sometime, just not sure when. I pray that God can bring me strength and wisdom to understand the reason for this happening to us. Shot after shot I had convinced myself that it would be worth it, that "maybe this time", and that "hope" would never be lost. Today, my hopes have been cracked and chipped, but not shattered completely. My spirit is alive. I know that one day we'll have a family, maybe not in our timing, but in God's. He's the ultimate provider.

Although this journey hasn't been easy, it's not over. It's simply at a stand-still. I can say that I have had my share of broken hearts and that I do, indeed, ache for a miracle of my own one day, but I can also say that this journey has been worth it to me. I have been able to be there for those going through infertility, I've even seen miracles come from infertility and gained many friends. That to me, is worth it. In my heart, I know, one day I will see two pink lines.

~Jess

Never Lose Hope

Quick recap: The last time I blogged I had explained that I would be heading to the doctor the last day of 2012 to see about starting round two of the injections.  I was unable to continue them back in November due to cysts and was placed on birth control to put my cycle in a place that was perfect to my doctors schedule around the holidays (totally lame).

Now we are on month 28 of trying to have a baby, and I'm upset to announce that we have essentially run out of time. This will be our last month for a little while due to some circumstances that are out of our control  It breaks my heart, however, I know it makes sense and it's probably the best decision for us at this time.

You are probably wondering why we have run out of time. I haven't really talked about this part to anyone, but a few people and now, to you. E was placed on a medical evaluation board through the Marine Corps back in August. His diagnosis is still being worked out, but we do know the root of the problem. I won't be discussing his medical information to protect his privacy, however, it's aside from anything to do with infertility. He has, however, given me the permission to talk about the med board. Back in August, we were told he had 6-9 months until he would either be found "fit" or "unfit"(and discharged) for active duty. As of now it has been 5 months and we have not heard a decision, also, as of now, he has one year exactly left on his active duty contract. He is unlikely to find a job right out of the gate due to some of the issues that may come with the diagnosis and/or surgeries involved. So you see, we have run out of time with medical benefits and being able to have a baby with a good, steady, income.

This is it...for a while. I say "for a while" because we have a plan brewing. We will have a family one day. We will probably delay the process for about 6 months to try to get our lives on a new path and start a new, exciting journey. What's 6 months when I've been through 27 and now 28? Nothing. Of course, I'm sad, but I know it's the best thing for our family and our baby (one day).  I'm getting pretty excited about our plans. I am looking into living out one of my career dreams (I'll announce it, when it comes time) that I've had to put off due to E being in the military. I will be able to put my degree to good use and make good money with great benefits as well. I truly believe once I get to the place I want to be, God will place a baby in our lives. I think this is His way of showing us that we need to live out our dream and even more dreams and gifts will be placed in our paths.

Of course, we have this month, so I'm not out of hope, and I never will be out of hope. "Hope" is something I rely on every day. There is always hope. I am actually very hopeful about this month, and my doctor seems to be as well!

When I went in on Dec 31 they took a look and decided to start me on 75 IUIs of follistim. That dose is what they ended me on last time I did injections. My doctor uses the "beehive" analogy on me. He says my ovaries are "golden" and my husband is "more then good". He get's really scared about giving me too much medication because he only wants two eggs to be produced (mine that I produce on my own and one with the medications help). He says it's like hitting a beehive and only wanting two bees to come out instead of a swarm. I injected the 75 IUIs of follistim into me for three days in a row. I went back to the doctor yesterday and he took a look again and I was measuring at what I measured the last day of monitoring of my first cycle with injections (wow!). He seemed to be thrilled, but at the same time not knowing how much of a dose he should give me. He told me to continue to take 75 IUIs and to keep my phone on me, that he tends to be a little more "chicken" after lunch. He said my ovaries "freak him out" and he doesn't want to over due it. Talk about a freaky situation. Uhm, no, I don't need to produce more then 2-3 eggs, I don't think my body could carry more then that (if you know me, you understand).  But, getting the right dose is like playing with that beehive, you want to hit it just right. Not too hard, but not too easy either. My case is difficult..wonderful.

I left the office and got my blood drawn, like every time before. I was kind of ticked off because I was in pain from the exam, he has some issues finding my left ovary, but says it's very common. I wish my ovaries weren't so "golden" and my husband wasn't so much "more then good" when going to an infertility doctor. It doesn't make sense!

When I got home yesterday afternoon from the doctor office, I received a call. It was them. They had reviewed my labs and the nurse told me he had lowered my dosage to 67, 58, and 50 for the next three days. I am to go back to the doctor on Sunday (remember, this is an hour and a half drive). Great, he was chicken! But, maybe it's a good thing? Who knows.

So that's the newest update on our situation. That one pink line needs to turn to two and in a hurry, but if it doesn't there is hope because there is always hope. We will have a family one day, I just know it in my heart. Whether it is a biological baby or adopted, we will be blessed because God is so so good.

~Jess