Approved!

 Just 3 months ago, I blogged to update everyone.

At the end of that blog, I said – “Possibly IVF. Possibly another adoption…only time will tell”. Well, here we are, and time has told us!

As most of you know, I served in the Army for 5 years and as most of you know, I have had this ongoing battle with infertility. With that being said, I have been identified as being “service connected” for my PCOS along with a few other things that have been linked to me not being able to have children. What does that mean? It means the Veteran’s Benefit Administration has found that being in the Army has directly impacted me to the point of having some issues reproducing. Okay…so what does that mean? That means, the VA has recognized that it is/could be the military’s fault for contributing to my infertility, therefore they will pay for treatments for me to have children.

Towards the end of June, I received the notice that my infertility was service connected. Immediately, when my GYN found out, he, along with the MT VA Women’s Health staff submitted a packet to National VA for my husband and I to receive IVF treatment. This was huge. This meant I could possibly be approved for a round of IVF that would be completely covered by insurance. IVF is the one procedure I’ve had my eyes on for a long time, but unfortunately could never afford it, considering the risk of the procedure and it not working the first time.  I wasn’t super hopeful. I knew the chances of us getting approved for IVF was next to impossible, as there had only been one Veteran (male) that had been approved in Montana – ever.

Weeks went by and my hopes were dwindling. My doctor reassured me that we had a wonderful case and he was super optimistic. The women’s health coordinator was also very hopeful, but it didn’t keep me from building my wall to protect myself.

Then, out of nowhere, I get a call.  It’s a number that I didn’t recognize, so I let it go to voicemail. I then see it ring again, same number. It’s Friday at 5pm, who could it possibly be? I’m in a store and I really do not want to answer while juggling a toddler, but I do. Maybe it’s important? The lady on the other end starts talking and my son starts screaming. At first, I couldn’t really understand what she was saying over the screams of my toddler, so she repeats what she says. She is calling form the Montana VA (remember, it’s Friday and past closing time at this point). She tells me she is calling me before she goes on vacation next week to let me know that National has approved my IVF packet! I am in instant tears. She then says, it’s THREE rounds over my lifetime. THREE!  I cannot believe what I am hearing. I am so thankful for this nurse who stayed longer on a Friday so she could tell me the good news as soon as possible. I was just in awe.

After hearing the news, I knew I needed to do something special to tell my husband. The night before we were talking about an article I had read. It was about elephants and how they are amazing mothers who wait long periods of time before meeting their young. I had told him that must be the reason I really like elephants. So, I start looking around to see if I could find anything elephant-like. I find a card with an elephant on it and an elephant figurine. Perfect! I then get in my car and immediately call my GYN. I have his personal number because he is my boss (ha). He thought I had butt-dialed him by mistake and didn’t pick up. Remember, it’s Friday evening. He then called me back and we celebrated over the phone! He told me to stop my medication immediately (which was nice – I was on day 1 of my cycle). I drove to my husband’s work and asked him to come to the parking lot. I gave him the elephant and the card with “I love you no matter how many we add to our tribe, we are approved for IVF!” on the inside. He was in tears now too. We would never imagine the VA stepping in and taking care of us like this…covering 3 IVF treatments. That’s nearly $45-60k, of which we do not have.  What a blessing.

I cannot thank my VSO with the VBA and the MT Women’s Health team at the MT VA enough for their hard work on getting us the approval we need to grow our family. I am happy to say that I am the second Veteran (FIRST female), in the state of Montana to ever be approved for IVF. We are anxious and nervous, but very excited to get the ball rolling! Our treatment will be in Spokane, Washington with Seattle Reproductive Medicine.

Here’s to the much-needed good news and hope for a brother or sister for our little man.

With love,

Jess

Still struggling...

I remember building this blog to help other women and I guess have since stopped blogging. I felt as if I had reached my personal goal of having a child, therefore, women would look at this in…spite?  My fear of jealousy from those who had been in my shoes took me away from this blog. However, I have realized that I’m still on this journey and I've been called to be real and raw. So here I am. I'm back...

Although I have the most beautiful little boy in the entire world, the truth is, I still struggle. I struggle with not biologically being able to carry a child. I don’t struggle near as much as I did in the past, but here we are. M is 2 now and we are wanting him to have a little brother or sister.

So, let’s back up a bit and jump into this thing feet first…

When I was on active duty in the Army, I tore my labrum on my left hip and had surgery in 2016 to repair it. After the surgery was performed, I was told I would probably tear it again. 

In 2018 the doctor did an MRI on my hip to check for tears, as I was experiencing some pain and figured I had just torn it again. The MRI results came in and I had a 2cm cyst on/near my left ovary. After a lot of back and forth on whether the cyst was dangerous or not and a ton of lab work later, I asked to be referred elsewhere. The next doctor took one look and said that the cyst needed to be removed.

October 2018, I had the surgery to remove the cyst. I had been told it was 2cm, however, it was about twice the size they had originally anticipated. I had also lost a lot of blood and was having a really hard time coming off anesthesia. I remember, vaguely, waking up to a sternum rub. I had apparently passed out in the middle of a sentence. The entire thing was rough. At my follow up appointment, I was told that I “possibly had PCOS”, and I have endometriosis. She told me my ovaries were 3 times the size of normal ovaries and wanted to monitor me.

Fast forward…

January/February 2020…

I started seeing a new OB/GYN. He is absolutely incredible, and I mean that from the depths of my sole. I wish I could have been seeing him for the entire eleven years that I have been doing this. We started doing the work up from square one and he started me on femara for ovulation purposes and sent me with instructions for timed intercourse. He did confirm that I have PCOS from lab work and prescribed me metformin along with progesterone to help with my endometriosis.

In the meantime, I had another MRI done on my hip due to excruciating pain on that left side…again. I thought for sure I had torn my hip. I had even been doing physical therapy, as recommended. The MRI results came back, and would you take a look- another cyst on that same side (but no tear!). 

My OB looked at my MRI results and couldn’t believe it. This thing was 7.6cm long…SEVEN…almost 8. What. He told me he likes to operate at 8-9cm and was suggesting we operate sooner than later. However, our friend COVID-19 had shown up and they were only doing absolute emergent cases only. He ordered ultrasounds. Both external, and intervaginal. Talk about painful. We found that the cyst wasn’t cancerous as far as they could tell. I was told that we would continue to monitor to make sure it wasn’t growing. He thought the cyst may have shown up due to the ovulation medications.

Over the next month or two I started feeling some cramping on that left side, however one night I had cramps that would come and go and last 15-30 seconds at a time that would completely take my breath away. I thought it was maybe trying to burst, but figured it was time to tell my doctor. He told me to give it 24 hours and see how I felt. That night, the same thing happened, except even more pain. I came into work and called my doctor- he instructed me to not eat or drink anything, he was taking me to surgery that same day. He was worried about my ovary twisting and cutting off blood supply, which, in turn is very dangerous. 

He took me to surgery, and it lasted longer than anticipated. With COVID19 measures in place, my husband wasn’t allowed to come back with me, nor was he able to be there when I woke up. I couldn’t imagine how freaked out he was, or how my family was feeling for that matter. Dr. M even left the hospital and went to my husband’s truck in the parking lot to give him the update on my condition.

Before the surgery he had told us that he would call my husband if he thought he had to remove anything, however, he had to remove my fallopian tube- without question. My left fallopian tube was the mass that was indicated on my MRI along with 3 other cysts. I had one on my ovary, one on my fallopian tube, and one in my fallopian tube. The tube was extremely matted, and it was attaching itself to my pelvic wall and my large intestine. It was beginning to twist, therefore causing me pain and starting to cut off blood flow. Also, it was impinging on my sciatic nerve, which would explain the numbness. My ovary was also engulfed by my tube, but he was able to save it. He ran the blue dye through my tubes during the surgery to check function, and the left one wouldn’t even drip out. My right one was fine. The bad tube looked like a mangled potato that had bumps all over it. The bumps were caused by my endometriosis with the blood spilling out of my tubes from menstruation. It didn’t even look like a tube. It was gnarly (I saw pictures). He told me that it had been like that for years. I bet you could imagine how upset I was, that 2 years ago, those folks didn’t say a word or blink an eye. They didn’t even run dye through my tubes, knowing I was trying to conceive. Furthermore, Dr. M told me that I needed to pursue genetic testing because my “insides were stretchy”.  Someone who has this certain genetic condition can have trouble embedding a fertilized egg, therefore will struggle with infertility. If all of that wasn’t enough…I also have a very soft uterus. A uterus is a muscle; therefore, it should be firm and feel more like a chin...mine feels like the tip of your nose. My uterus is shaped differently with a slight indent, causing more surface area to bleed from with my endometriosis as well as a new diagnosis of adenomyosis. The things that will help with all of that is a hysterectomy, but that’s not an option right now. The list of stuff that is against me is way longer than the list that I have in my favor. 

My “unexplained infertility” has been debunked.

Deep breath. That’s a lot.

That’s a lot of answers to questions I’ve had for a very long time. That’s a lot of answers I didn’t want to hear. I feel broken. I feel like a failure in my own world. I only want a fix. I developed this way; I don’t get to have a fix. We can try, but there’s no guarantee. He did say that without that crazy fallopian tube in there, my odds increased for conception. There’s hope, but it didn’t and still doesn’t keep me from breaking down and crying. I’ve lost something of mine that I thought was going to help make a baby. I know that I’m better without it, but it doesn’t hurt any less. With every item that comes up that’s “not in my favor” makes me cringe and causes me to burry my head in the sand even further. 

So…moving forward. 

Ovulation drugs (because, well-PCOS) and timed intercourse for now. Possibly IVF, possibly another adoption. 

Only time will tell…

~Jess