Here We Go.

Well, here we go, I went to my first doctor appointment this week for my current infertility...

Most of you who have followed my blog know of all the struggles I went through during my first marriage. I am blessed by the good Lord that I did not end up pregnant- a true testimony that shows that He is in control.

When I was explaining my situation to the nurse she stopped and said, "well thank goodness you didn't end up pregnant with him."  Well, lady. That's a given. I was so annoyed because she interrupted my timeline of events with that statement. I wanted to ask her if she thought the pain was any different back then? I wanted to ask her if she knew how it felt to go years of wanting a baby, but not being able to conceive, or the pain of not even knowing why you couldn't have one. I didn't. I was displeased with her, but took a breath and continued my explanation.

HSG (painful test to check blockage in the fallopian tubes), numerous blood tests, clomid (ovulation medicine), ovulation tests, charting, temping, trans-vaginal ultrasounds, follistim (self-administered shots in the stomach)....the list goes on.

The doctor came back and I think she spoke two sentences to me. "I've heard you have been through it all when it comes to fertility?" Yes, ma'am. "I'm going to refer you straight to OBGYN and let them review your file and possibly refer you out to a specialist".

Mind you, she is my primary care doctor. I have to see her first. Yay for by-the-book processes. Thankfully after asking her if she was going to run any tests on me, she said she was going to skip all of those since I had been through them before.  She couldn't guarantee that OB was going to skip anything though. I had asked about the HSG test and she grimaced. That was the only test I didn't care to do again. It's very painful, but I'll definitely go through it if necessary.

A lot of you missed the whole story from the beginning, but if you want to read about the HSG portion of my adventure click here... it's a not-so-fun story to tell and not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

I finally got my referral to OB. My appointment is on the 10th of January, so we will see what they have to say. I assume they will start me over with the process and prescribe Clomid to me, yet again. I have already apologized to C, as I know I will be crazy with that medication. Oh, how I loathe Clomid. It makes me crazy hormonal!! Agh! He's already been so supportive and reassuring me that we will get through this together.

I want this badly, but I know the struggle all too well and it's no less scarier than it was before.

Lots of continued prayers would be amazing, as I am certain God is brewing up a perfect plan for us.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and a Merry Christmas!

~Jess

How Do I Even Title This...

I'm angry.

I'm not just angry, I'm furious. My husband and I have been going through some very stressful times recently and to be honest, it isn't anything to do with our relationship.  There are so many outside stressors from other people that it makes me cringe.

I don't like to play the blame game, but there's no way we would be able to conceive with the kinds of stress we are (and have been) dealing with.

We are planning a huge move to Montana (from Missouri) in a few months (YAY!), but what's so crazy is...that's not even the stressful part! Crazy, right?!

Well, anyway. I'm obviously a little ticked off, so let's move on...

My cycles are usually on the dot 28-30 days. Well, guess what...I was six days LATE. Oh my, what a scary, yet exciting feeling. Scary? You ask? Well, yes, scary because I didn't want to pee on a stick to just get a negative...again.  Exciting because there was hope. I don't like to throw that term around lightly, but yes, hope. I waited and waited. The only reason why I did pee on a stick was because C told me to. It was like he convinced my inner 'am I actually pregnant' to come out or something.

I hate staring at a pregnancy test just waiting and waiting...and waiting. I stared at the thing so long hoping, and slightly, expecting there to be a second line. I stared so long that my brain was imagining things. Blah. Tears. Yes, tears. Not once, but twice did I do this to myself. Once on the 4th day of being late and again on the 5th. I read blog after blog and thread after thread on how so many people get their BFP (big fat positive) way later than whatever point I was at. It gave me some hope, it honestly did...

Aunty flow decided to rear her big fat ugly head yesterday. That made me angry, but yet relieved. Relieved because I didn't have to face the fact that I had to take another test that was negative, and still search for some sort of false hope. Since she showed up, I can breath and actually know that I'm not pregnant and we can just try again soon.  Isn't that ridiculous? Women are ridiculously emotional. Holy crap!

Anyway, I'm almost certain mother nature was late due to the stress going on in our life. I wish it'd all go away, it would make things so much easier, but hey, that's life, right?! No, we are learning to choose our battles and we are learning who to actually battle with. We are attempting to weed out the toxic in our life and just attempt to roll with the punches.

We certainly have our faith, and that's what matters most. I pray every night God sees what is happening. I know he wouldn't pick us to deal with this stuff if we weren't strong enough. One day, we will have a child of our own, I just know it. Whether by blood or adoption, our dreams will come true.

~Jess