Maybe, by posting this, I can reach out to others and maybe forewarn them, or explain why I reacted to something the way that I did. Please understand I don't mean to be rude or straight forward in any way, it's just that this is a very real topic. I am a human, with real emotions.
So, with that said, here's a list of what not to say to a couple struggling with infertility.
"Just Relax" Honestly, if I had a nickle for every time I heard someone tell me that, I'd probably have enough money to pay for IVF. It's the cure-all for infertility apparently. No...If something is wrong, it will continue to be wrong until it's fixed.
"It will happen". Although these seem like very reassuring words to someone, it's really not. It's actually quite opposite because, unfortunately, it not happening is what's on our mind, and it may never happen.
"There's always adoption". While that may be the truth, we just want to be able to have our own kids and experience that special bond. Adoption is a great thing, it really is, but it can be very expensive. It's also not for everyone. Sometimes it's a last resort, and with every glimmer of hope we can get, we don't want it shot down. With E coming from a family who has adopted 4 children, believe me, we know there's adoption, we don't need to be told. We actually have talked about adoption, but it's one of those subjects where "we'll cross that bridge when/if we get there" sort of thing.
"You're young." Yep, and we're not getting any younger. You see, we've been trying to have a baby since we were 21 and 22. Here we are now...23 and 24. How much longer will it take? Basically those words mean that we just have to wait longer. What if we get "old" and still do not have a baby?
"My husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant". Really? That's not the best thing to say to us or any couple struggling with infertility. That hurts. I'm sorry that we don't have the luxury of having such fertility. It's not that easy for us. When saying something like that, it's like throwing it in our face that we don't have the very thing that we've been waiting around to have for years. It's insulting.
"I wish I had that problem". That's probably one of the rudest things I've ever heard from someone. I've heard it a couple times and it never sets well with me. Usually, I just laugh it off and walk away, but it eats at me and really tears me up inside. I would never wish this "problem" on anyone, ever, and for someone to want this "problem" is just unfathomable. I get it, they just want me to feel better, but it doesn't feel good. You don't want this "problem". I promise. Even if you don't want the baby or planned to have the baby, you don't want this problem, especially when you're ready for children. Gee, I wish I had the "problem" of fertility!
"Maybe it's a sign". I guess what you're telling me is that I don't deserve to have kids? Or that I'm just not cutout to have a baby? Words can be painful and how insensitive are you?
"Are you pregnant yet?" Chances are, the answer to the question is NO. Don't you think we'd tell you, or scream it to the entire universe from a park bench if we were?
"Just enjoy your sleep...time together...etc." Don't minimize my pain. I wouldn't tell you if you just lost a loved one that at least you didn't have to buy them a Christmas gift this year. It doesn't give me comfort to have more sleep if I can't have a child. Heck, I'd give up all of my sleep to have a child, just like you'd buy a million Christmas gifts if you could just have your loved one back.
"Worse things could happen". Well, define "worse"? Worse can be different in so many different ways. When a couple has a dream of becoming parents, it probably started as a small child. I remember pushing my babies in their strollers when I was 5 or 6. My dream has been to become a mom, and this is one of the worst things that could be happening. My infertility is drowning my dreams.
"Why don't you try in vitro fertilization (IVF)" Well, do you know how incredibly expensive IVF is? Do you even know the procedure? Sure, it's easy to say "IVF, IVF, IVF", but what if you had to do it? What if I can't afford it? Now how bad do you feel for asking me? Last time I checked, intercourse with your partner was free. Reproducing should be free. If you're healthy, and I'm obviously not.
"Stop trying and then it'll happen". Say what?! You mean to tell me I need to stop trying to try to have a baby and by stop trying I'll get pregnant? That's the most backward thing I've ever heard in my life. That just goes up there with "relax". I can't just quit trying, subconsciously, I know when my cycle is, I know when I ovulate. I can't just shove the thought of wanting to have a baby to the back of my mind. Have you lost yours?
Don't complain about pregnancy (or about your children). I probably don't have to explain this at all, but I would give my left leg and left arm to be pregnant, please complain to someone else. I am sure it's uncomfortable, but again, I would give anything to be pregnant. Just like you may give anything to have a nights sleep, so I probably shouldn't complain about the 8 hours I slept last night.
Don't treat me like I am ignorant. I don't need to be told about all of the responsibility that comes with having a baby. Don't you think that I've had time to think about those responsibilities? Truth is, you can't really grasp the concept of being a parent until you're a parent, but be respectful. Just because I'm not a parent, doesn't mean I'm stupid or uneducated.
Don't give me sex advice. I have been told different things by a lot of different people. Could you imagine someone telling you how you and your spouse should have intercourse?! It's uhm....weird.
Everyone knows someone, or a someone of another someone, who has had infertility problems. I understand that you're just trying to relate, but if you haven't been through it, you don't fully understand. Send your friend my way and tell them to tell me that you sent them, and believe me, that would mean the absolute world to me! It's not easy to talk to someone about treatments if they don't understand what you're talking about.
So, since I've listed everything under the sun, no really, I probably missed a few. You now can see how incredibly sensitive infertility can make someone. The one thing that I'd encourage people to do is to show me that you care. You don't always have to have the right words to say, if you want to let me know I can vent or cry on your shoulder at anytime, that'd mean more to me then any "right word". Just words of "I'm praying for you" or knowing you support what we are doing would be helpful on this journey as well.
I am very happy to say that I truly have had lots of positive encounters with people too, but giving a little bit of insight can be helpful for those who just don't know what to say sometimes. I understand that we all say (I do it too) things that we don't necessarily mean to be "hurtful" so maybe this post will help :).
Lastly, just because we're struggling with infertility doesn't mean you need to avoid me if you're pregnant or have children. It's a joy to be around kids for me, it helps me...a lot.
