What Not To Say

Unfortunately, lots of people don't necessarily know what to say or what not to say to a couple who is struggling with infertility. Usually, when people hear about our struggles with infertility they either walk on eggshells, avoid conversation with us, or say hurtful things without realizing how much pain their causing in the inside. It can be very difficult to find the right words to say when certain, touchy, topics come up.

Maybe, by posting this, I can reach out to others and maybe forewarn them, or explain why I reacted to something the way that I did. Please understand I don't mean to be rude or straight forward in any way, it's just that this is a very real topic. I am a human, with real emotions. 

So, with that said, here's a list of what not to say to a couple struggling with infertility.

"Just Relax"  Honestly, if I had a nickle for every time I heard someone tell me that, I'd probably have enough money to pay for IVF. It's the cure-all for infertility apparently. No...If something is wrong, it will continue to be wrong until it's fixed.

"It will happen". Although these seem like very reassuring words to someone, it's really not. It's actually quite opposite because, unfortunately, it not happening is what's on our mind, and it may never happen.

"There's always adoption". While that may be the truth, we just want to be able to have our own kids and experience that special bond. Adoption is a great thing, it really is, but it can be very expensive. It's also not for everyone.  Sometimes it's a last resort, and with every glimmer of hope we can get, we don't want it shot down. With E coming from a family who has adopted 4 children, believe me, we know there's adoption, we don't need to be told. We actually have talked about adoption, but it's one of those subjects where "we'll cross that bridge when/if we get there" sort of thing.

"You're young."  Yep, and we're not getting any younger. You see, we've been trying to have a baby since we were 21 and 22. Here we are now...23 and 24. How much longer will it take? Basically those words mean that we just have to wait longer. What if we get "old" and still do not have a baby?

"My husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant". Really? That's not the best thing to say to us or any couple struggling with infertility. That hurts. I'm sorry that we don't have the luxury of having such fertility. It's not that easy for us. When saying something like that, it's like throwing it in our face that we don't have the very thing that we've been waiting around to have for years. It's insulting.

"I wish I had that problem". That's probably one of the rudest things I've ever heard from someone. I've heard it a couple times and it never sets well with me. Usually, I just laugh it off and walk away, but it eats at me and really tears me up inside. I would never wish this "problem" on anyone, ever, and for someone to want this "problem" is just unfathomable.  I get it, they just want me to feel better, but it doesn't feel good. You don't want this "problem". I promise. Even if you don't want the baby or planned to have the baby, you don't want this problem, especially when you're ready for children. Gee, I wish I had the "problem" of fertility!

"Maybe it's a sign". I guess what you're telling me is that I don't deserve to have kids? Or that I'm just not cutout to have a baby? Words can be painful and how insensitive are you?

"Are you pregnant yet?" Chances are, the answer to the question is NO. Don't you think we'd tell you, or scream it to the entire universe from a park bench if we were?

"Just enjoy your sleep...time together...etc." Don't minimize my pain. I wouldn't tell you if you just lost a loved one that at least you didn't have to buy them a Christmas gift this year. It doesn't give me comfort to have more sleep if I can't have a child.  Heck, I'd give up all of my sleep to have a child, just like you'd buy a million Christmas gifts if you could just have your loved one back.

"Worse things could happen". Well, define "worse"? Worse can be different in so many different ways. When a couple has a dream of becoming parents, it probably started as a small child. I remember pushing my babies in their strollers when I was 5 or 6. My dream has been to become a mom, and this is one of the worst things that could be happening. My infertility is drowning my dreams.

"Why don't you try in vitro fertilization (IVF)" Well, do you know how incredibly expensive IVF is? Do you even know the procedure? Sure, it's easy to say "IVF, IVF, IVF", but what if you had to do it? What if I can't afford it? Now how bad do you feel for asking me? Last time I checked, intercourse with your partner was free. Reproducing should be free. If you're healthy, and I'm obviously not.

"Stop trying and then it'll happen". Say what?! You mean to tell me I need to stop trying to try to have a baby and by stop trying I'll get pregnant? That's the most backward thing I've ever heard in my life. That just goes up there with "relax". I can't just quit trying, subconsciously, I know when my cycle is, I know when I ovulate. I can't just shove the thought of wanting to have a baby to the back of my mind. Have you lost yours?

Don't complain about pregnancy (or about your children). I probably don't have to explain this at all, but I would give my left leg and left arm to be pregnant, please complain to someone else. I am sure it's uncomfortable, but again, I would give anything to be pregnant. Just like you may give anything to have a nights sleep, so I probably shouldn't complain about the 8 hours I slept last night.

Don't treat me like I am ignorant. I don't need to be told about all of the responsibility that comes with having a baby. Don't you think that I've had time to think about those responsibilities? Truth is, you can't really grasp the concept of being a parent until you're a parent, but be respectful. Just because I'm not a parent, doesn't mean I'm stupid or uneducated.

Don't give me sex advice. I have been told different things by a lot of different people. Could you imagine someone telling you how you and your spouse should have intercourse?! It's uhm....weird.

Everyone knows someone, or a someone of another someone, who has had infertility problems.  I understand that you're just trying to relate, but if you haven't been through it, you don't fully understand. Send your friend my way and tell them to tell me that you sent them, and believe me, that would mean the absolute world to me! It's not easy to talk to someone about treatments if they don't understand what you're talking about.

So, since I've listed everything under the sun, no really, I probably missed a few. You now can see how incredibly sensitive infertility can make someone. The one thing that I'd encourage people to do is to show me that you care. You don't always have to have the right words to say, if you want to let me know I can vent or cry on your shoulder at anytime, that'd mean more to me then any "right word". Just words of "I'm praying for you" or knowing you support what we are doing would be helpful on this journey as well.

I am very happy to say that I truly have had lots of positive encounters with people too, but giving a little bit of insight can be helpful for those who just don't know what to say sometimes. I understand that we all say (I do it too) things that we don't necessarily mean to  be "hurtful" so maybe this post will help :).

Lastly, just because we're struggling with infertility doesn't mean you need to avoid me if you're pregnant or have children. It's a joy to be around kids for me, it helps me...a lot.

~Jess

Maybe Next Year

So, I haven't written in a while since I was pretty much up to date, but a few things have come up.

Mother nature didn't come until day 35 of my cycle. I was exactly one week late. I thought for sure I was pregnant and boy was I getting excited. I thought, wow! We were able to do it without drugs. Ha, who was I kidding. Looking back it was probably due to immense amount of stress that I was under, leading up to Thanksgiving. I had 14 people coming to my house and I had to make sure it was clean and everything was in place. You know how that goes.  

Well, I called the doctor on the morning of day 35, it was a Friday. I hadn't started yet and I thought they should have an update. The nurse told me that it was too late for me to come in since they were closing early, that I would need to come in on Monday for some labs. However, if I did start I needed to go pick up the birth control and start taking the pill on day 2 of my cycle to delay my period until after Christmas. Great, I would just wait it out. Hopefully my period wouldn't start and the home pregnancy tests that I had taken were wrong with their stupid one pink line. Maybe I wouldn't have to go on the dreaded birth control! Time passed and sure enough, mother nature came the night of day 35. Great. Go figure. 

I went to the pharmacy to pick up the pills. I was so upset. I hated that they were making me go on birth control. Agh. "Birth control"! Those two words are not meant for me! We're not trying to prevent a baby. Geesh. I haven't been on birth control in about 6 years and I am scared of it. I hate it. It makes me insane and way too hormonal.

I've taken about 5 doses of birth control and I really can't stand it. It makes me feel crazy and makes me cranky. I get why they're making me take it, they want my cycle to be in a certain place so they can monitor me. I get that they shouldn't have to work on Christmas. I get it. But, what I don't get, is WHY. Why in the world does my body have to go through this? On medication, off medication, and on a different type of medication. You think I'm hormonal? You better believe I am! Poor E. Okay, so it's my own doing, but c'mon, we obviously want a baby more then anything in the world. So as I type, here we are on month 27 and we can't even try to get pregnant. I actually have to take over a months supply of birth control to delay it to where they want it to be.....waiting waiting waiting. Story of my life.

Everything happens for a reason, I suppose.  It doesn't mean that my heart isn't heavy, nor does it mean with every facebook announcement, or Kate Middleton news about a royal baby, does my womb cry out with pure emptiness. 

Goodbye month 27. I'll see month 28 on December 31st. 

Maybe we can conceive next year.  

~Jess

Dissapointed

“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.” 

Here I am. Day 32 of my cycle and I've gotten one pink line after another. I don't know why I expect to ever see two.  My cycles are 28-30 days and here I am, 2 days late, and not pregnant.  Apparently my body is pretty messed up from being on meds and then off of them again. 

On a positive note, I didn't start over the holiday. It was a good thing because if I would have the doctor wanted to put me on birth control to push my period to where he wanted it (to avoid having to see me during the holiday). Pretty absurd in my opinion. It's like inducing someone to avoid having to work on Christmas. It's just not right, not natural.  Then again, what I'm doing isn't really all that natural either.

Today, I'm trying not to hang my head. I'm trying to be positive and have hopes that maybe God is preparing my body for a miracle within the next several months.  Today, I sit and wait, wait for mother nature to come so I can go back to the doctor and start round two of the injections.  I'm ready already. I hate this waiting game.

On to month 27....soon. I hope.

~Jess

Why Now?

As the holidays roll around I should be doing something like baking or cleaning perhaps, but to me, this blog is very important to me and to some of my readers. Some of you may be wondering why I am sharing something so personal with the whole world? Well, the answer to that is pretty simple. I don't want any one struggling with the same, or close to the same, issues as us to be alone.  Our infertility has been a rough journey to say the least, but being alone in a rough journey isn't fun, it just isn't right.

I had wrestled around with the thought of starting up this blog for a while. I wasn't sure what people would think or even what my family would think. Coming from a very conservative family and town, I wasn't sure how others would view me for sharing such a personal aspect in my life. I also thought about all of those people who have asked us about having babies, I just didn't want to offend anyone. I didn't want people to walk on egg-shells around me. I just wanted people to think I was normal and healthy. Maybe I was ashamed of having to go through this journey. As a woman, I should be able to carry a baby, the last thing I wanted was for people to look at me as a failure.

I had shared a little bit of our story with a few people on a USMC support board that I have been a part of for quite some time.  I knew some of the girls had gone through some similar stuff, so I was just reaching out for some much needed support.  One day I had received a text from a good friend, B.  She is on the board and had seen my story. She said that she didn't know we were going through infertility and wanted to talk to me about some of the stuff she was going through. It warmed my heart to know she could come to me and confide in me.  That very next day I decided I wanted to follow through with creating a blog.  I talked to E about it first and he was all-in also.

My reasoning behind the blog is to reach out to others. I have learned that I cannot be afraid to share my story because someone somewhere is going through the exact same thing. I shouldn't worry about what other people think because in reality, they're not the ones living this life.

I, of all people, know how hard it can be to be alone in an infertility struggle. Of course, E was and always has been by my side through all of it, but he doesn't get it to it's fullest. Of course he's sad and upset that we have to go through it, but he's not taking injections, or putting crazy hormones inside his body, and he's not a woman who has an empty womb and motherly instincts.  I went through the first year of infertility with no one. I didn't understand what was going on and my loneliness was getting the best of me.  I met M after that first year and she had dealt with some issues of her own so she had some pointers for me. We instantly bonded and have been friends since.

I want to be able to be that person that shows others that it is okay to be human. It's okay to feel the very emotions that you feel when you cannot get pregnant. M inspired me to be there for others, like she was and still is there for me. I everyone who reads this and needs someone to vent to or cry or whatever to know that I am here. That I will not let you be alone on your journey.

~Jess

Something is Missing.

As my news feed on Facebook overflows with pregnancy announcements, pregnancy week-to-week pictures, gender reveals, pregnancy complaints, births, baby pictures, growing children albums, and complaints about children it makes me wonder about my own future. I get excited thinking about it, but then I wonder when will it be our turn.  It can be a very disappointing thing to live month to month in hopes of a positive pregnancy result and only getting a negative over and over again. It's painful.

I was once asked by a friend who found out that she was pregnant by "accident" how I knew it was the "right time".  I told her that I felt like something was missing in our lives and that I had so much love in my heart that I wanted to give away. I told her that E was the same way.

You see, E is amazing with children. I have never seen a man so good with a baby in my entire life. He will make a great daddy for sure. The spark he gets when he is playing with a child is truly one of a kind.   It melts my heart.  Every time we see a child, whether an infant or a 10 year old, he is always smiling at them, cooing, waving, making eye contact, or even talking to them. Even if he's never said it, it's prominent, he has love in his heart that can only be given to a child. My heart breaks inside for not only myself, but for E as well, when I see only one pink line.

We are so excited to be able to prepare for a child, but when can we? Over the past 26 months we have had talks about names, types of diapers, multiples, number of children, genders, photographs, pregnancy, clothing style for a child, discipline, can's and cannot's, do's and don'ts, etc  We have talked about everything under the sun that has to do with having a baby. The only thing missing? The baby.

As each day goes by we sit and wonder and hope and dream about what our family will be like. Until then, we hold tight and pray. It's not the easiest thing to accept, an unknown diagnosis of infertility, but it's the love that we have in our hearts for one another, and for others, that keeps pushing us to keep trying. We want to fill the hole that is missing in our lives.

So, to my unborn baby; we loved you way before we knew you.

~Jess

Month 26

I went to the doctor on day 3 of my cycle of month 26 of trying.  I was expecting to start round two of injections and had high hopes of a higher dose, therefore helping us to get pregnant this time around.

I figured since the doctor was so optimistic last time, maybe he'll up the dose some and that will do the trick. I was so excited to get started. Was I excited about injections? No, not really, but then again, I was! I was ready to try again (just like I had the last 25 months!).

I made the hour drive down to Savannah for my doctor's appointment.  Much like my other appointments, this one was at 8:15am and I had get up pretty early to make it there on time and beat the rush hour.

When I got to the office they quickly took me back to the exam room.  I knew the drill; "empty bladder, bottoms off."  I waited for the doctor to come in and do the exam. While he was doing the exam he said "interesting". He didn't say much more after that, he didn't even read off the numbers like he had all of the times before. My heart sunk. What did that even mean?  He finished the exam and said, "you'll have to skip this month's treatment".   My belly dropped and I'm sure the look on my face told it all. I was disappointed beyond belief. I felt the tears forming in my eyes as he left the room and instructed me to meet him in the office.

I got dressed and met him in the office.  I didn't know what was going on and I had too many emotions to clearly think.  I was upset and heartbroken that we couldn't continue with the injections.  He explained that I had cysts that had formed and I had not passed them.  He said that it sometimes happens when the medications are taken and that 90% of the time they will dissolve on their own and continuing the medication would just complicate things and be a "waste".  How often did this occur? I asked him, and he said he sees it in 1/3 of his patients. He instructed me to call to check in on/around the 24th day of my cycle and to call when my period started. I left the office with my head hung.

The appointment only lasted 15 minutes.  It was a hard 15 minutes to comprehend. I headed to the mall in hopes of getting some stuff I needed for our upcoming military ball. They weren't open yet. Wonderful.  What was I to do? I was a wreck and needed some distraction. I called E to let him know. I was in tears on the phone and explained how disappointed I was. My stupid body. I don't understand. Why?! There's that question again, stupid "why".  After I got off the phone with E, I texted M and called my mom to let them know what had happened.  No one really understands, but I am so thankful to have them in my life to try to help encourage me and cheer me up.

I waited for the mall to open and when I went in it seemed like around every corner there was one more pregnant women, or one more baby. I was surrounded with the very thing that I want. I hurried and got out of there as quick as I could. On the way home, I went through spurts of tears.  I finally calmed myself and talked myself into my infamous "maybe this month" speech.  I told myself to look on the bright side, that possibly we could conceive this month without medication! Wouldn't that be something!?!

So, this brings us to current day. I am in my 26th month of trying and am about 8 days past ovulation.  I took a test this morning, and of course it's only one pink line. But, then again, it is could be way too early to tell.

Why?

I took the ovulation predictor test when I was instructed to. It was negative, which was a good thing. He didn't want me to ovulate yet. He wanted me to ovulate on command (I was even told not to take motrin, tylenol, or anything of the sorts the entire cycle to prevent "early ovulation").

The next morning is when E was supposed to administer the pregnyl/hCG shot. I was so worried and he even said he didn't want to do it. He was scared just as much as I was (maybe a little more).  Then, it dawned on me! I have a friend who is a nurse! Maybe she'll help me! I quickly called up S and asked her if she'd do the duty of giving me a shot in my butt. We laughed about it, but she agreed. E and I were so relieved!

I woke up that morning to head over to S' house. I took the vials of Pregnyl in. She mixed the meds with the solvent vial and drew back 2 CCs. It was quick and painless. Well, later it was sore, but I could deal with that! Knowing someone who has done shots a million times before giving me a shot AND I did't have to look, that was amazing!

I spent that next afternoon wondering if I was ovulating. Then, it hit me, around dinner time I started cramping. It was ovulation time! Shortly after I noticed, we headed to the bedroom and had intercourse that evening and the next day, as instructed (sorry if your family haha).  I was certain this was going to work! I was so optimistic, as was E.

We spent the next two weeks wondering if I was pregnant. Every day passed extremely slow. That two week wait is one of the worst waits ever. I knew if I tested I'd see a positive result due to the shots. I went and bought $1 pregnancy tests so I could watch the medication leave my system and see if I would get a positive a little later down the line. A week after the shot, I was still getting a false positive, which meant the Pregnyl was still in my system. I had to take another Pregnyl shot that day as well. I thought, okay, this stuff will stay in my system another week, so I don't even know why I'm testing, but I continued. I thought it would be a neat process to see and if I were in fact pregnant I would know for sure in seven days. I would either still be getting a positive pregnancy test or I would get my period. I tested for the next three days after my second, lower dose, of Pregnyl. Negative. One pink line. One pink line the next day and the next day. I wasn't pregnant.

My period came. It was the worst period of my life. I knew the pain was due to the meds making me "super-ovulate". I was in tears. I don't cry like I cried over this period. I just don't. It's something that I just deal with. When I say it was the worst, I mean it was the worst. E just held me. He didn't know what to do. Poor guy, he rubbed my back, held my hand and tried to comfort me. I was a mess, physically and emotionally. I was in pain and I couldn't understand why I had to go through this. Why couldn't I get pregnant? Why do we have to go through this whole process? Why do I have to go another round injecting myself? Why can't we have a baby? Why, when all we ever wanted was our own bundle of joy, we just couldn't? Why is this journey so long and so rough? Why is God doing this to us? Why!?!

I don't have an answer to those questions, and I probably never will. I just sat and cried. All I could do was cry. I didn't know what to do. We had done everything we were told to do, so why didn't it work? That "why" question wouldn't stay out of my head. I had to roll with the punches. I had to pick myself up again and keep going. I couldn't dwell on the why, I couldn't dwell on the unknown. I couldn't give up. I wouldn't give up.

I called the doctor to let them know that I had started, it was a Sunday. They always instruct me to leave a message because they check the machines often (they have patients 7 days of week but only say they're open 5).  They didn't call me back until Monday. They wanted to see me on day 3 of my cycle instead of day 2 like the previous time. I agreed to see them Tuesday morning.

Month 26. We were entering into month 26.