Dissapointed

“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.” 

Here I am. Day 32 of my cycle and I've gotten one pink line after another. I don't know why I expect to ever see two.  My cycles are 28-30 days and here I am, 2 days late, and not pregnant.  Apparently my body is pretty messed up from being on meds and then off of them again. 

On a positive note, I didn't start over the holiday. It was a good thing because if I would have the doctor wanted to put me on birth control to push my period to where he wanted it (to avoid having to see me during the holiday). Pretty absurd in my opinion. It's like inducing someone to avoid having to work on Christmas. It's just not right, not natural.  Then again, what I'm doing isn't really all that natural either.

Today, I'm trying not to hang my head. I'm trying to be positive and have hopes that maybe God is preparing my body for a miracle within the next several months.  Today, I sit and wait, wait for mother nature to come so I can go back to the doctor and start round two of the injections.  I'm ready already. I hate this waiting game.

On to month 27....soon. I hope.

~Jess

Why Now?

As the holidays roll around I should be doing something like baking or cleaning perhaps, but to me, this blog is very important to me and to some of my readers. Some of you may be wondering why I am sharing something so personal with the whole world? Well, the answer to that is pretty simple. I don't want any one struggling with the same, or close to the same, issues as us to be alone.  Our infertility has been a rough journey to say the least, but being alone in a rough journey isn't fun, it just isn't right.

I had wrestled around with the thought of starting up this blog for a while. I wasn't sure what people would think or even what my family would think. Coming from a very conservative family and town, I wasn't sure how others would view me for sharing such a personal aspect in my life. I also thought about all of those people who have asked us about having babies, I just didn't want to offend anyone. I didn't want people to walk on egg-shells around me. I just wanted people to think I was normal and healthy. Maybe I was ashamed of having to go through this journey. As a woman, I should be able to carry a baby, the last thing I wanted was for people to look at me as a failure.

I had shared a little bit of our story with a few people on a USMC support board that I have been a part of for quite some time.  I knew some of the girls had gone through some similar stuff, so I was just reaching out for some much needed support.  One day I had received a text from a good friend, B.  She is on the board and had seen my story. She said that she didn't know we were going through infertility and wanted to talk to me about some of the stuff she was going through. It warmed my heart to know she could come to me and confide in me.  That very next day I decided I wanted to follow through with creating a blog.  I talked to E about it first and he was all-in also.

My reasoning behind the blog is to reach out to others. I have learned that I cannot be afraid to share my story because someone somewhere is going through the exact same thing. I shouldn't worry about what other people think because in reality, they're not the ones living this life.

I, of all people, know how hard it can be to be alone in an infertility struggle. Of course, E was and always has been by my side through all of it, but he doesn't get it to it's fullest. Of course he's sad and upset that we have to go through it, but he's not taking injections, or putting crazy hormones inside his body, and he's not a woman who has an empty womb and motherly instincts.  I went through the first year of infertility with no one. I didn't understand what was going on and my loneliness was getting the best of me.  I met M after that first year and she had dealt with some issues of her own so she had some pointers for me. We instantly bonded and have been friends since.

I want to be able to be that person that shows others that it is okay to be human. It's okay to feel the very emotions that you feel when you cannot get pregnant. M inspired me to be there for others, like she was and still is there for me. I everyone who reads this and needs someone to vent to or cry or whatever to know that I am here. That I will not let you be alone on your journey.

~Jess

Something is Missing.

As my news feed on Facebook overflows with pregnancy announcements, pregnancy week-to-week pictures, gender reveals, pregnancy complaints, births, baby pictures, growing children albums, and complaints about children it makes me wonder about my own future. I get excited thinking about it, but then I wonder when will it be our turn.  It can be a very disappointing thing to live month to month in hopes of a positive pregnancy result and only getting a negative over and over again. It's painful.

I was once asked by a friend who found out that she was pregnant by "accident" how I knew it was the "right time".  I told her that I felt like something was missing in our lives and that I had so much love in my heart that I wanted to give away. I told her that E was the same way.

You see, E is amazing with children. I have never seen a man so good with a baby in my entire life. He will make a great daddy for sure. The spark he gets when he is playing with a child is truly one of a kind.   It melts my heart.  Every time we see a child, whether an infant or a 10 year old, he is always smiling at them, cooing, waving, making eye contact, or even talking to them. Even if he's never said it, it's prominent, he has love in his heart that can only be given to a child. My heart breaks inside for not only myself, but for E as well, when I see only one pink line.

We are so excited to be able to prepare for a child, but when can we? Over the past 26 months we have had talks about names, types of diapers, multiples, number of children, genders, photographs, pregnancy, clothing style for a child, discipline, can's and cannot's, do's and don'ts, etc  We have talked about everything under the sun that has to do with having a baby. The only thing missing? The baby.

As each day goes by we sit and wonder and hope and dream about what our family will be like. Until then, we hold tight and pray. It's not the easiest thing to accept, an unknown diagnosis of infertility, but it's the love that we have in our hearts for one another, and for others, that keeps pushing us to keep trying. We want to fill the hole that is missing in our lives.

So, to my unborn baby; we loved you way before we knew you.

~Jess

Month 26

I went to the doctor on day 3 of my cycle of month 26 of trying.  I was expecting to start round two of injections and had high hopes of a higher dose, therefore helping us to get pregnant this time around.

I figured since the doctor was so optimistic last time, maybe he'll up the dose some and that will do the trick. I was so excited to get started. Was I excited about injections? No, not really, but then again, I was! I was ready to try again (just like I had the last 25 months!).

I made the hour drive down to Savannah for my doctor's appointment.  Much like my other appointments, this one was at 8:15am and I had get up pretty early to make it there on time and beat the rush hour.

When I got to the office they quickly took me back to the exam room.  I knew the drill; "empty bladder, bottoms off."  I waited for the doctor to come in and do the exam. While he was doing the exam he said "interesting". He didn't say much more after that, he didn't even read off the numbers like he had all of the times before. My heart sunk. What did that even mean?  He finished the exam and said, "you'll have to skip this month's treatment".   My belly dropped and I'm sure the look on my face told it all. I was disappointed beyond belief. I felt the tears forming in my eyes as he left the room and instructed me to meet him in the office.

I got dressed and met him in the office.  I didn't know what was going on and I had too many emotions to clearly think.  I was upset and heartbroken that we couldn't continue with the injections.  He explained that I had cysts that had formed and I had not passed them.  He said that it sometimes happens when the medications are taken and that 90% of the time they will dissolve on their own and continuing the medication would just complicate things and be a "waste".  How often did this occur? I asked him, and he said he sees it in 1/3 of his patients. He instructed me to call to check in on/around the 24th day of my cycle and to call when my period started. I left the office with my head hung.

The appointment only lasted 15 minutes.  It was a hard 15 minutes to comprehend. I headed to the mall in hopes of getting some stuff I needed for our upcoming military ball. They weren't open yet. Wonderful.  What was I to do? I was a wreck and needed some distraction. I called E to let him know. I was in tears on the phone and explained how disappointed I was. My stupid body. I don't understand. Why?! There's that question again, stupid "why".  After I got off the phone with E, I texted M and called my mom to let them know what had happened.  No one really understands, but I am so thankful to have them in my life to try to help encourage me and cheer me up.

I waited for the mall to open and when I went in it seemed like around every corner there was one more pregnant women, or one more baby. I was surrounded with the very thing that I want. I hurried and got out of there as quick as I could. On the way home, I went through spurts of tears.  I finally calmed myself and talked myself into my infamous "maybe this month" speech.  I told myself to look on the bright side, that possibly we could conceive this month without medication! Wouldn't that be something!?!

So, this brings us to current day. I am in my 26th month of trying and am about 8 days past ovulation.  I took a test this morning, and of course it's only one pink line. But, then again, it is could be way too early to tell.

Why?

I took the ovulation predictor test when I was instructed to. It was negative, which was a good thing. He didn't want me to ovulate yet. He wanted me to ovulate on command (I was even told not to take motrin, tylenol, or anything of the sorts the entire cycle to prevent "early ovulation").

The next morning is when E was supposed to administer the pregnyl/hCG shot. I was so worried and he even said he didn't want to do it. He was scared just as much as I was (maybe a little more).  Then, it dawned on me! I have a friend who is a nurse! Maybe she'll help me! I quickly called up S and asked her if she'd do the duty of giving me a shot in my butt. We laughed about it, but she agreed. E and I were so relieved!

I woke up that morning to head over to S' house. I took the vials of Pregnyl in. She mixed the meds with the solvent vial and drew back 2 CCs. It was quick and painless. Well, later it was sore, but I could deal with that! Knowing someone who has done shots a million times before giving me a shot AND I did't have to look, that was amazing!

I spent that next afternoon wondering if I was ovulating. Then, it hit me, around dinner time I started cramping. It was ovulation time! Shortly after I noticed, we headed to the bedroom and had intercourse that evening and the next day, as instructed (sorry if your family haha).  I was certain this was going to work! I was so optimistic, as was E.

We spent the next two weeks wondering if I was pregnant. Every day passed extremely slow. That two week wait is one of the worst waits ever. I knew if I tested I'd see a positive result due to the shots. I went and bought $1 pregnancy tests so I could watch the medication leave my system and see if I would get a positive a little later down the line. A week after the shot, I was still getting a false positive, which meant the Pregnyl was still in my system. I had to take another Pregnyl shot that day as well. I thought, okay, this stuff will stay in my system another week, so I don't even know why I'm testing, but I continued. I thought it would be a neat process to see and if I were in fact pregnant I would know for sure in seven days. I would either still be getting a positive pregnancy test or I would get my period. I tested for the next three days after my second, lower dose, of Pregnyl. Negative. One pink line. One pink line the next day and the next day. I wasn't pregnant.

My period came. It was the worst period of my life. I knew the pain was due to the meds making me "super-ovulate". I was in tears. I don't cry like I cried over this period. I just don't. It's something that I just deal with. When I say it was the worst, I mean it was the worst. E just held me. He didn't know what to do. Poor guy, he rubbed my back, held my hand and tried to comfort me. I was a mess, physically and emotionally. I was in pain and I couldn't understand why I had to go through this. Why couldn't I get pregnant? Why do we have to go through this whole process? Why do I have to go another round injecting myself? Why can't we have a baby? Why, when all we ever wanted was our own bundle of joy, we just couldn't? Why is this journey so long and so rough? Why is God doing this to us? Why!?!

I don't have an answer to those questions, and I probably never will. I just sat and cried. All I could do was cry. I didn't know what to do. We had done everything we were told to do, so why didn't it work? That "why" question wouldn't stay out of my head. I had to roll with the punches. I had to pick myself up again and keep going. I couldn't dwell on the why, I couldn't dwell on the unknown. I couldn't give up. I wouldn't give up.

I called the doctor to let them know that I had started, it was a Sunday. They always instruct me to leave a message because they check the machines often (they have patients 7 days of week but only say they're open 5).  They didn't call me back until Monday. They wanted to see me on day 3 of my cycle instead of day 2 like the previous time. I agreed to see them Tuesday morning.

Month 26. We were entering into month 26.

5:45pm

After the first time doing the injections I was nervous to continue doing them, but I knew, deep down, it would be worth it in the end. Or would it? 

5:45pm the next day rolled around and I went through the process of the injections, only this time, E was home and watched me. I felt pretty proud of myself for not being so nervous this time and not feeling like I was going to pass out.  He then asked if he could do it the next day. I thought sure! If he can do it better then me, then I'd love for him to administer the shots on a daily basis. If he did it, then I wouldn't have to look at the needle and I'd be okay (yes, I'm a little kid and look away every time someone else gives me a shot). 

When the next day came, I showed E how to do the shots and he did pretty good, except when he got to the part of stabbing me.  And when I say stab, I mean stab, jab, or whatever other word you can come up with for "holy crap, be easy!". That wasn't the best experience in the world so I took over from there on out.

I made the hour drive to the doctor after the third day of injections so he could monitor me and see how my things were coming along.  He said that I should be finished with my period, and just like I had thought, I wasn't. I was on the very end and he could tell from the ultrasound. Interesting! He shouted out some numbers to the nurse to record and I then asked him what he was looking at. He showed me the monitor and pointed out the eggs that he was looking at. It looked like round blurry white spots on a black screen (you can tell I won't be going into the medical field anytime soon!).

After the exam we headed into the office and he said he wanted to continue me on the small dose of 50 to see what happens. He instructed me to come back in three days. I made the appointment and was sent down to have blood work done to check my hormone levels.  I was told if my hormone levels were out of whack, they'd call me and let me know to adjust the dose accordingly.

5:45pm for the next three days came and went. Injection after injection. I was starting to get the hang of it, but I still was uneasy about a needle being inserted into my stomach by none other then myself!

I wasn't experiencing many of the crazy side effects I did with clomid. My sense of smell was through the roof. If you ask E, he would tell you that I could smell him eating those nasty pickles from a mile away! Other then the smell, I wasn't having any issues, which was a good thing for both E and I...and the whole world!

I went back to the doctor (yes, that hour drive one way journey) on day 8 of my cycle. He said everything looked great and that he wanted to up the dose barely to 75 IUIs. He said the follicles looked mature and I had plenty of "contenders". He explained that with me the difference between getting 2 eggs and 22 is huge and we didn't want the latter. He said that this month would be a basic trial run with me to see what happens. I was instructed to take that dose that night and the next two days. I was to return to the doctor on day 11 of my cycle for continued monitoring. I then went down to the lab to get more blood work done to check my hormone levels. 

5:45pm came and went three times and I returned back to the doctor on day 11. He took a look and told me that he was "impressed" with everything and my process. He was very optimistic, and of course I was elated. He wanted me to purchase an ovulation predictor kit from their pharmacy and take it that evening. He said if it was positive to call them to let them know. If I didn't get a positive on day 11 then we were to have intercourse on day 12 and 13. Dr. B informed me that I needed to have E inject the pregnyl day 12 in the morning. Oh great. Another injection that I was dreading. This shot was different. It had to be given in the upper butt and I couldn't do it! It also was the old fashion syringe and there was a different method to it. I was freaking out. I asked the nurses to show me where the injection needed to be and how to do it so I could relay the information over to E.  She took me in a room and marked a big "X" on my butt/lower back/hip area. She explained that he'd have to draw out the medicine after it was mixed and then to put the needle in and bring back the plunger to see if there were any blood. If blood was present then he'd have to take it out and do the shot again. If there is blood then that meant he hit a vein. Oh.my.word.  She could tell I was nervous and they all gave me a "good luck" when I left the office. I headed down to the lab again to get even more blood drawn. Needles. Needles. Needles.

Just the beginning.

The medication arrived on my front porch the very next day after the doctor prescribed it.  I opened the well packaged, refrigerated box and started to look through the contents.  Seeing the syringes and the vials made me cringe.  The reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really going to be doing this- I'm seriously going to be injecting myself!  I put the contents in the fridge and examined the pen that I'd be using for the Follistim AQ. Looking it over, it looked easy, but I knew I had to ask the doctor some questions about it before starting.

I waited for a couple more weeks for mother nature to come. When she made her arrival, I called the doctor to make my appointment. They instructed me to come in the very next day. I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew that they would be monitoring me, but I didn't understand the exact details.  

I went to the doctor the next day and when they called me back into the exam room they instructed me to "empty my bladder and get undressed from the waste down".  Okay, simple? Right? Well, I was on my period so I didn't know if I should remove the tampon or what, I was slightly embarrassed when the doctor came in and instructed me to do so.  Looking back, it makes since, but geesh was I embarrassed beyond belief.  He came back in with another guy wearing a white coat, the technician, followed by a nurse.  I had never seen the tech before so I was even more embarrassed. They were going to be doing a trans-vaginal ultrasound. It freaked me out. I was on my period!

They did the exam, he measured some stuff as he shouted out numbers to the nurse who was recording them in my chart. Dr. B told the tech to make sure he got good readings on me since I didn't have the laproscopy procedure.  He made sure he got all of what he needed and the wand was painful every time he'd go to my left side. It was uncomfortable in more then one way. I wasn't thrilled with how the exam went. They didn't explain anything to me and I felt like a caged animal not knowing what was going on.  After the exam they instructed me to come to the office after I got dressed.

I headed to the office.  He told me that everything was "on track" and that he wanted to start me on a "baby dose" since I ovulate on my own and everything looked "great" and "normal". He didn't want to get me "too many mature follicles .  He seemed very optimistic. He started me on 50 IUIs of follistim between 5pm and 8 pm for the next couple days.  He said the next time I came in my period would be over. I was thinking yeah right. My period last almost a week and he wanted me back in on day 5 of my cycle (3 days later).  The nurse started checking me out and that's when I inquired on the "how to" about the follistim pen. She explained it to me and I was still very scared about doing it wrong. I was so terrified to stick a needle into my stomach.

I left the office and headed back home (an hour drive). On the drive I called E, M, and my mom to let them know what was going on.  They were excited for us to be able to take the next step leap. I was excited too.  I was scared, but excited!  Here we go, maybe month 25 will be the magic month?!

I finally made it home and checked the clock. It was 11am. Okay, I have over 6 hours to prepare for the injections. The clock ticked  by and I was hoping E would come home before I had to administer the shot. 545pm is when I decided on taking the injections. E was held up at work.  I texted M and let her know how nervous I was, she made me feel so much better and put a smile on my face. She told me to "make a horror movie out of it"!  Ha!

It was 515pm, I started reading over the instructions, word for word. If you know me, I never read instructions. I was concentrating and trying my best to not miss anything.  Meanwhile, my phone on the counter, started buzzing and buzzing...and buzzing. They were only texts but it was freaking me out! I was a nervous, shaky wreck. I followed each step; swabbed the crap out of everything with alcohol, put the vial of follistim in the pen, put a new needle on, clicked the dial once to see a drop, clicked the dial to 50, rubbed my skin with alcohol, pinched an amount of skin with my fingers under my belly button, took a huge deep breath, inserted the needle at a 90 degree angle to my body, pushed the dial until it ended on zero, counted to five, removed the needle, put pressure on the injection site with alcohol, and put the needle in my sharps container. It was over! Or was it? My ears started getting hot, I was dizzy. I felt like I was going to pass out! I apparently am very scared of needles. I didn't know how large my fear was until I was done. I took a seat and tried to wrap my head around what had just happened. I injected myself! I did my happy dance in my head and made a sigh of relief. Whew! It was over....well, not really, it had just begun.