Stand Still.

Here we are. It's Wednesday.

From my last post, you know that this is our final month of trying for a while due to some unforeseen circumstances with my husband and the military (see post "Never Lose Hope"). Month 28.

I went to the doctor to be monitored and to have another exam early Sunday morning. I had lowered my dosage like he had asked and was in high hopes for great results. He took a look and really couldn't believe how much my follicles had grown. I proceeded to ask if he could see the eggs or how he knew how many eggs I would produce. He told me that he couldn't see the eggs, he could only see the follicles which basically harbor the eggs. The bigger the follicle, the more likely an egg will develop. I could tell how reluctant he was and I knew he didn't like the fact that he started me on 75 IUIs right out of the gate. He was worried I'd develop too many eggs. He went ahead and instructed me to take 50 IUIs over the next three days, to go get blood work (like every time before) and that he'd see me on Wednesday. He also instructed me to be sure to have my phone on me, just in case he needed to lower my follistim injection dosage.

E and I left the office on Sunday with the highest hopes that I would develop the two-three eggs that he wanted me to develop and we would actually have the wonderful opportunity to see two pink lines. I had stuck myself for the last 7 days, each time taking 30 seconds to talk myself into it and to say "this will be worth it". As we were pulling into the driveway after the hour and a half drive to the doctor I received a phone call. The Dr had reviewed my labs and he said he needed to lower my dosage. Each day going down by one click on the follistim pen and ending at 25 IUIs on Tuesday evening. I thought, wow! He's super scared of me developing too many eggs and if my math was correct I would be taking LESS total medication then I did the first round of injections. How in the world will that work!?! I got discouraged and thought I wouldn't develop the eggs he wanted me to, but I followed the doctors orders. I took 47, 38, and 25 IUIS over the next three days and had crazy hormones with intense sense of smell!

I went to the doctor today as instructed for my monitoring. I made the long journey by myself. I left a half an hour earlier then normal and fought all the rush hour traffic (like a boss). I was super early so I decided to use the restroom and take my time getting up to the doctors office. When I finally got up to the office the receptionist asked me to update my information, I thought it was kind of strange, but convinced myself that it was probably due to the new year. I didn't know. I then saw the doctor escort a patient back and he had his scrubs on with his hair net thing (I don't know what those are called) and his shoe protectors on. That was odd, as I had never seen him in such attire before. I then realized what was going on, the patients husband had been called back and he had just done either an IUI, IVF, or a laparoscopy procedure. I mean, I narrowed it down to IUI or IVF because of the expression and hope on the husbands face. I took it all in and watched as the remaining patients were called back and I was the only one left in the waiting room.

I was finally called back. I was told to take my bottoms off and to leave a sample. Say what!? I had never had to leave a sample before and I had just used the restroom. Hopefully I can manage to give a sample! I was able to and I did as I was instructed and waited for the doctor to come back to see me.

He and the nurse came in, both in scrubs. At least he didn't have his hair net or shoe things on anymore because then I would really be freaked out! He took a look and didn't seem very happy to see what he was seeing. While doing the exam I noticed that the measurements he was reading aloud for the nurse to record were larger then they had ever been and there were a lot more of them. He had also confirmed what type of insurance I had and inquired about my job all while doing a very uncomfortable exam. I told him I worked from home and he seemed a bit more relieved. As he went on I realized he wasn't at all happy with what he was seeing. My follicles towards the end of a round of injections would usually measure around 18 mm and only one or two. Mine were ranging from 14-21mm, but mainly 18-21 and at least 10 total were measuring at that size. I'm not a doctor an expert or anything but I from what he told me on Sunday I knew having that many big follicles wasn't a good sign. He finished the exam, asked me to get dressed and head to his office.

I got dressed and all I wanted to do was cry. I knew something was wrong just by his expression and questions. This guy never asked personable questions about anything, let alone my job?! He had always been interested in getting me in and out and doing it correct, nothing more, nothing less.

I went to his office where I sat and he sat calculating my medication and trying to find words to talk to me with. Like that awkward moment of "I have to tell you something, but you're not going to like it". My nerves were shot. I didn't have E with me and I didn't know what he was going to say.

He took a look at me and started by saying, "You have too many eggs." and he was talking like 20-30 eggs! Immediately my mind raced and disappointment came over me. He then started in by saying, "BUT we have three options". I listed to his options and found hope in one of them. His options went like this: 1) Have intercourse (not recommended due to how dangerous it could be for my body and a baby or babies). 2) Abstain and do nothing and try again next cycle or 3) have a procedure TOMORROW where they would put me to sleep and suck out the follicles and leave just three eggs and go ahead and try with the hsg shot to trigger ovulation. I looked at him and immediately asked what kinds of risked were involved with the procedure. He told me that the only risk would be the anesthesia. He said that they basically do the same thing that they do for harboring IVF eggs and go into my abdominal cavity with a needle and take the eggs and just "throw them away" instead of keep them.  He told me that it would only take a day to recover, however, E would need to be there to drive me home. Wait, he said, "THROW THEM AWAY". Woah. He could tell how upset I was and asked me to talk it over with E and call him by 3pm to let him know our decision. In the meantime I still had to go to the lab to get my blood drawn again (yes, I have lovely bruises on my arms from how many times I get stuck).

I left the office and tears started running down my face. I had so many emotions. I was scared. Option number one was completely out of the picture, option number two was slightly out of the picture, and option number three just scared the crap out of me. I texted E and a couple friends to let them know the news and told E that I would call him asap. I called him and instantly was in tears. He at first, out of the gate, wanted nature to run it's course and go with option number one and go ahead and have intercourse, until I explained to him how many eggs could possibly be fertilized and how it could kill me or a baby/babies. He then explained that he didn't want me to go through any kind of pain with passing that many eggs. He said that he remembered how painful it was for me to pass the eggs with my first set of injections and he knew it would just be worse this time. He said that maybe if I had the procedure that we'd at least be able to try to have a baby and that I wouldn't be in so much pain when I went to pass the eggs if I didn't get pregnant. I agreed and said that I would see him for lunch and then I'd call the doctor with our decision.

I left the parking lot with my music off and my intent to call my mom and ask her how she felt. We had the same conversation as E and I had except that she thought I should ask the doctor about harboring the eggs instead of "throwing them away". I thought it was a great idea and told her I'd ask about the expenses and whatnot. She said that I could use them in the long run if we ever wanted to do IVF or I could always donate them to someone in need. What a fabulous idea! I would ask the doctor around lunchtime.

I finally made it back home, but had a meeting to go to as soon as I had returned as well as a hungry husband to attend to. When I was in my meeting the doctor had called me. I left my meeting and went to see E (my meeting was in the same building as his work center) and decided I'd call the doctor then so he could hear what they had to say. I figured they just wanted our decision. When the nurse answered the phone she started with "your labs came back and...". I instantly got emotional. Something was either really good or really bad. It was the latter. She said that I was ovulating on my own (without the hsg shot; remember, they cannot find a thing wrong with me) and that we had to completely skip this cycle, to abstain for at least four days. The only thing I could muster out was "okay" and hung up the phone. E looked at me and I started crying my eyes out. I explained the whole thing to him. He didn't know how to react other then to hold me.

I cried until he needed to go back to work and I cried some more. I let some friends know what was going on and they were so supportive. I'm going to be honest, I even went home and cried some more and babied myself by laying on the couch today. I needed some time to myself.

My heart is completely broken. My hopes were shattered for this round. We now have to wait until we figure out what's going on with E's job situation and our issues with health benefits. It's the best decision we can make, to stop, until we have the means to support a child, but a hard one nonetheless.

I really thought this would be it. I thought I'd see two pink lines this last go around. We'll start back up sometime, just not sure when. I pray that God can bring me strength and wisdom to understand the reason for this happening to us. Shot after shot I had convinced myself that it would be worth it, that "maybe this time", and that "hope" would never be lost. Today, my hopes have been cracked and chipped, but not shattered completely. My spirit is alive. I know that one day we'll have a family, maybe not in our timing, but in God's. He's the ultimate provider.

Although this journey hasn't been easy, it's not over. It's simply at a stand-still. I can say that I have had my share of broken hearts and that I do, indeed, ache for a miracle of my own one day, but I can also say that this journey has been worth it to me. I have been able to be there for those going through infertility, I've even seen miracles come from infertility and gained many friends. That to me, is worth it. In my heart, I know, one day I will see two pink lines.

~Jess

Never Lose Hope

Quick recap: The last time I blogged I had explained that I would be heading to the doctor the last day of 2012 to see about starting round two of the injections.  I was unable to continue them back in November due to cysts and was placed on birth control to put my cycle in a place that was perfect to my doctors schedule around the holidays (totally lame).

Now we are on month 28 of trying to have a baby, and I'm upset to announce that we have essentially run out of time. This will be our last month for a little while due to some circumstances that are out of our control  It breaks my heart, however, I know it makes sense and it's probably the best decision for us at this time.

You are probably wondering why we have run out of time. I haven't really talked about this part to anyone, but a few people and now, to you. E was placed on a medical evaluation board through the Marine Corps back in August. His diagnosis is still being worked out, but we do know the root of the problem. I won't be discussing his medical information to protect his privacy, however, it's aside from anything to do with infertility. He has, however, given me the permission to talk about the med board. Back in August, we were told he had 6-9 months until he would either be found "fit" or "unfit"(and discharged) for active duty. As of now it has been 5 months and we have not heard a decision, also, as of now, he has one year exactly left on his active duty contract. He is unlikely to find a job right out of the gate due to some of the issues that may come with the diagnosis and/or surgeries involved. So you see, we have run out of time with medical benefits and being able to have a baby with a good, steady, income.

This is it...for a while. I say "for a while" because we have a plan brewing. We will have a family one day. We will probably delay the process for about 6 months to try to get our lives on a new path and start a new, exciting journey. What's 6 months when I've been through 27 and now 28? Nothing. Of course, I'm sad, but I know it's the best thing for our family and our baby (one day).  I'm getting pretty excited about our plans. I am looking into living out one of my career dreams (I'll announce it, when it comes time) that I've had to put off due to E being in the military. I will be able to put my degree to good use and make good money with great benefits as well. I truly believe once I get to the place I want to be, God will place a baby in our lives. I think this is His way of showing us that we need to live out our dream and even more dreams and gifts will be placed in our paths.

Of course, we have this month, so I'm not out of hope, and I never will be out of hope. "Hope" is something I rely on every day. There is always hope. I am actually very hopeful about this month, and my doctor seems to be as well!

When I went in on Dec 31 they took a look and decided to start me on 75 IUIs of follistim. That dose is what they ended me on last time I did injections. My doctor uses the "beehive" analogy on me. He says my ovaries are "golden" and my husband is "more then good". He get's really scared about giving me too much medication because he only wants two eggs to be produced (mine that I produce on my own and one with the medications help). He says it's like hitting a beehive and only wanting two bees to come out instead of a swarm. I injected the 75 IUIs of follistim into me for three days in a row. I went back to the doctor yesterday and he took a look again and I was measuring at what I measured the last day of monitoring of my first cycle with injections (wow!). He seemed to be thrilled, but at the same time not knowing how much of a dose he should give me. He told me to continue to take 75 IUIs and to keep my phone on me, that he tends to be a little more "chicken" after lunch. He said my ovaries "freak him out" and he doesn't want to over due it. Talk about a freaky situation. Uhm, no, I don't need to produce more then 2-3 eggs, I don't think my body could carry more then that (if you know me, you understand).  But, getting the right dose is like playing with that beehive, you want to hit it just right. Not too hard, but not too easy either. My case is difficult..wonderful.

I left the office and got my blood drawn, like every time before. I was kind of ticked off because I was in pain from the exam, he has some issues finding my left ovary, but says it's very common. I wish my ovaries weren't so "golden" and my husband wasn't so much "more then good" when going to an infertility doctor. It doesn't make sense!

When I got home yesterday afternoon from the doctor office, I received a call. It was them. They had reviewed my labs and the nurse told me he had lowered my dosage to 67, 58, and 50 for the next three days. I am to go back to the doctor on Sunday (remember, this is an hour and a half drive). Great, he was chicken! But, maybe it's a good thing? Who knows.

So that's the newest update on our situation. That one pink line needs to turn to two and in a hurry, but if it doesn't there is hope because there is always hope. We will have a family one day, I just know it in my heart. Whether it is a biological baby or adopted, we will be blessed because God is so so good.

~Jess