What Not To Say

Unfortunately, lots of people don't necessarily know what to say or what not to say to a couple who is struggling with infertility. Usually, when people hear about our struggles with infertility they either walk on eggshells, avoid conversation with us, or say hurtful things without realizing how much pain their causing in the inside. It can be very difficult to find the right words to say when certain, touchy, topics come up.

Maybe, by posting this, I can reach out to others and maybe forewarn them, or explain why I reacted to something the way that I did. Please understand I don't mean to be rude or straight forward in any way, it's just that this is a very real topic. I am a human, with real emotions. 

So, with that said, here's a list of what not to say to a couple struggling with infertility.

"Just Relax"  Honestly, if I had a nickle for every time I heard someone tell me that, I'd probably have enough money to pay for IVF. It's the cure-all for infertility apparently. No...If something is wrong, it will continue to be wrong until it's fixed.

"It will happen". Although these seem like very reassuring words to someone, it's really not. It's actually quite opposite because, unfortunately, it not happening is what's on our mind, and it may never happen.

"There's always adoption". While that may be the truth, we just want to be able to have our own kids and experience that special bond. Adoption is a great thing, it really is, but it can be very expensive. It's also not for everyone.  Sometimes it's a last resort, and with every glimmer of hope we can get, we don't want it shot down. With E coming from a family who has adopted 4 children, believe me, we know there's adoption, we don't need to be told. We actually have talked about adoption, but it's one of those subjects where "we'll cross that bridge when/if we get there" sort of thing.

"You're young."  Yep, and we're not getting any younger. You see, we've been trying to have a baby since we were 21 and 22. Here we are now...23 and 24. How much longer will it take? Basically those words mean that we just have to wait longer. What if we get "old" and still do not have a baby?

"My husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant". Really? That's not the best thing to say to us or any couple struggling with infertility. That hurts. I'm sorry that we don't have the luxury of having such fertility. It's not that easy for us. When saying something like that, it's like throwing it in our face that we don't have the very thing that we've been waiting around to have for years. It's insulting.

"I wish I had that problem". That's probably one of the rudest things I've ever heard from someone. I've heard it a couple times and it never sets well with me. Usually, I just laugh it off and walk away, but it eats at me and really tears me up inside. I would never wish this "problem" on anyone, ever, and for someone to want this "problem" is just unfathomable.  I get it, they just want me to feel better, but it doesn't feel good. You don't want this "problem". I promise. Even if you don't want the baby or planned to have the baby, you don't want this problem, especially when you're ready for children. Gee, I wish I had the "problem" of fertility!

"Maybe it's a sign". I guess what you're telling me is that I don't deserve to have kids? Or that I'm just not cutout to have a baby? Words can be painful and how insensitive are you?

"Are you pregnant yet?" Chances are, the answer to the question is NO. Don't you think we'd tell you, or scream it to the entire universe from a park bench if we were?

"Just enjoy your sleep...time together...etc." Don't minimize my pain. I wouldn't tell you if you just lost a loved one that at least you didn't have to buy them a Christmas gift this year. It doesn't give me comfort to have more sleep if I can't have a child.  Heck, I'd give up all of my sleep to have a child, just like you'd buy a million Christmas gifts if you could just have your loved one back.

"Worse things could happen". Well, define "worse"? Worse can be different in so many different ways. When a couple has a dream of becoming parents, it probably started as a small child. I remember pushing my babies in their strollers when I was 5 or 6. My dream has been to become a mom, and this is one of the worst things that could be happening. My infertility is drowning my dreams.

"Why don't you try in vitro fertilization (IVF)" Well, do you know how incredibly expensive IVF is? Do you even know the procedure? Sure, it's easy to say "IVF, IVF, IVF", but what if you had to do it? What if I can't afford it? Now how bad do you feel for asking me? Last time I checked, intercourse with your partner was free. Reproducing should be free. If you're healthy, and I'm obviously not.

"Stop trying and then it'll happen". Say what?! You mean to tell me I need to stop trying to try to have a baby and by stop trying I'll get pregnant? That's the most backward thing I've ever heard in my life. That just goes up there with "relax". I can't just quit trying, subconsciously, I know when my cycle is, I know when I ovulate. I can't just shove the thought of wanting to have a baby to the back of my mind. Have you lost yours?

Don't complain about pregnancy (or about your children). I probably don't have to explain this at all, but I would give my left leg and left arm to be pregnant, please complain to someone else. I am sure it's uncomfortable, but again, I would give anything to be pregnant. Just like you may give anything to have a nights sleep, so I probably shouldn't complain about the 8 hours I slept last night.

Don't treat me like I am ignorant. I don't need to be told about all of the responsibility that comes with having a baby. Don't you think that I've had time to think about those responsibilities? Truth is, you can't really grasp the concept of being a parent until you're a parent, but be respectful. Just because I'm not a parent, doesn't mean I'm stupid or uneducated.

Don't give me sex advice. I have been told different things by a lot of different people. Could you imagine someone telling you how you and your spouse should have intercourse?! It's uhm....weird.

Everyone knows someone, or a someone of another someone, who has had infertility problems.  I understand that you're just trying to relate, but if you haven't been through it, you don't fully understand. Send your friend my way and tell them to tell me that you sent them, and believe me, that would mean the absolute world to me! It's not easy to talk to someone about treatments if they don't understand what you're talking about.

So, since I've listed everything under the sun, no really, I probably missed a few. You now can see how incredibly sensitive infertility can make someone. The one thing that I'd encourage people to do is to show me that you care. You don't always have to have the right words to say, if you want to let me know I can vent or cry on your shoulder at anytime, that'd mean more to me then any "right word". Just words of "I'm praying for you" or knowing you support what we are doing would be helpful on this journey as well.

I am very happy to say that I truly have had lots of positive encounters with people too, but giving a little bit of insight can be helpful for those who just don't know what to say sometimes. I understand that we all say (I do it too) things that we don't necessarily mean to  be "hurtful" so maybe this post will help :).

Lastly, just because we're struggling with infertility doesn't mean you need to avoid me if you're pregnant or have children. It's a joy to be around kids for me, it helps me...a lot.

~Jess

Maybe Next Year

So, I haven't written in a while since I was pretty much up to date, but a few things have come up.

Mother nature didn't come until day 35 of my cycle. I was exactly one week late. I thought for sure I was pregnant and boy was I getting excited. I thought, wow! We were able to do it without drugs. Ha, who was I kidding. Looking back it was probably due to immense amount of stress that I was under, leading up to Thanksgiving. I had 14 people coming to my house and I had to make sure it was clean and everything was in place. You know how that goes.  

Well, I called the doctor on the morning of day 35, it was a Friday. I hadn't started yet and I thought they should have an update. The nurse told me that it was too late for me to come in since they were closing early, that I would need to come in on Monday for some labs. However, if I did start I needed to go pick up the birth control and start taking the pill on day 2 of my cycle to delay my period until after Christmas. Great, I would just wait it out. Hopefully my period wouldn't start and the home pregnancy tests that I had taken were wrong with their stupid one pink line. Maybe I wouldn't have to go on the dreaded birth control! Time passed and sure enough, mother nature came the night of day 35. Great. Go figure. 

I went to the pharmacy to pick up the pills. I was so upset. I hated that they were making me go on birth control. Agh. "Birth control"! Those two words are not meant for me! We're not trying to prevent a baby. Geesh. I haven't been on birth control in about 6 years and I am scared of it. I hate it. It makes me insane and way too hormonal.

I've taken about 5 doses of birth control and I really can't stand it. It makes me feel crazy and makes me cranky. I get why they're making me take it, they want my cycle to be in a certain place so they can monitor me. I get that they shouldn't have to work on Christmas. I get it. But, what I don't get, is WHY. Why in the world does my body have to go through this? On medication, off medication, and on a different type of medication. You think I'm hormonal? You better believe I am! Poor E. Okay, so it's my own doing, but c'mon, we obviously want a baby more then anything in the world. So as I type, here we are on month 27 and we can't even try to get pregnant. I actually have to take over a months supply of birth control to delay it to where they want it to be.....waiting waiting waiting. Story of my life.

Everything happens for a reason, I suppose.  It doesn't mean that my heart isn't heavy, nor does it mean with every facebook announcement, or Kate Middleton news about a royal baby, does my womb cry out with pure emptiness. 

Goodbye month 27. I'll see month 28 on December 31st. 

Maybe we can conceive next year.  

~Jess

Dissapointed

“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.” 

Here I am. Day 32 of my cycle and I've gotten one pink line after another. I don't know why I expect to ever see two.  My cycles are 28-30 days and here I am, 2 days late, and not pregnant.  Apparently my body is pretty messed up from being on meds and then off of them again. 

On a positive note, I didn't start over the holiday. It was a good thing because if I would have the doctor wanted to put me on birth control to push my period to where he wanted it (to avoid having to see me during the holiday). Pretty absurd in my opinion. It's like inducing someone to avoid having to work on Christmas. It's just not right, not natural.  Then again, what I'm doing isn't really all that natural either.

Today, I'm trying not to hang my head. I'm trying to be positive and have hopes that maybe God is preparing my body for a miracle within the next several months.  Today, I sit and wait, wait for mother nature to come so I can go back to the doctor and start round two of the injections.  I'm ready already. I hate this waiting game.

On to month 27....soon. I hope.

~Jess

Why Now?

As the holidays roll around I should be doing something like baking or cleaning perhaps, but to me, this blog is very important to me and to some of my readers. Some of you may be wondering why I am sharing something so personal with the whole world? Well, the answer to that is pretty simple. I don't want any one struggling with the same, or close to the same, issues as us to be alone.  Our infertility has been a rough journey to say the least, but being alone in a rough journey isn't fun, it just isn't right.

I had wrestled around with the thought of starting up this blog for a while. I wasn't sure what people would think or even what my family would think. Coming from a very conservative family and town, I wasn't sure how others would view me for sharing such a personal aspect in my life. I also thought about all of those people who have asked us about having babies, I just didn't want to offend anyone. I didn't want people to walk on egg-shells around me. I just wanted people to think I was normal and healthy. Maybe I was ashamed of having to go through this journey. As a woman, I should be able to carry a baby, the last thing I wanted was for people to look at me as a failure.

I had shared a little bit of our story with a few people on a USMC support board that I have been a part of for quite some time.  I knew some of the girls had gone through some similar stuff, so I was just reaching out for some much needed support.  One day I had received a text from a good friend, B.  She is on the board and had seen my story. She said that she didn't know we were going through infertility and wanted to talk to me about some of the stuff she was going through. It warmed my heart to know she could come to me and confide in me.  That very next day I decided I wanted to follow through with creating a blog.  I talked to E about it first and he was all-in also.

My reasoning behind the blog is to reach out to others. I have learned that I cannot be afraid to share my story because someone somewhere is going through the exact same thing. I shouldn't worry about what other people think because in reality, they're not the ones living this life.

I, of all people, know how hard it can be to be alone in an infertility struggle. Of course, E was and always has been by my side through all of it, but he doesn't get it to it's fullest. Of course he's sad and upset that we have to go through it, but he's not taking injections, or putting crazy hormones inside his body, and he's not a woman who has an empty womb and motherly instincts.  I went through the first year of infertility with no one. I didn't understand what was going on and my loneliness was getting the best of me.  I met M after that first year and she had dealt with some issues of her own so she had some pointers for me. We instantly bonded and have been friends since.

I want to be able to be that person that shows others that it is okay to be human. It's okay to feel the very emotions that you feel when you cannot get pregnant. M inspired me to be there for others, like she was and still is there for me. I everyone who reads this and needs someone to vent to or cry or whatever to know that I am here. That I will not let you be alone on your journey.

~Jess

Something is Missing.

As my news feed on Facebook overflows with pregnancy announcements, pregnancy week-to-week pictures, gender reveals, pregnancy complaints, births, baby pictures, growing children albums, and complaints about children it makes me wonder about my own future. I get excited thinking about it, but then I wonder when will it be our turn.  It can be a very disappointing thing to live month to month in hopes of a positive pregnancy result and only getting a negative over and over again. It's painful.

I was once asked by a friend who found out that she was pregnant by "accident" how I knew it was the "right time".  I told her that I felt like something was missing in our lives and that I had so much love in my heart that I wanted to give away. I told her that E was the same way.

You see, E is amazing with children. I have never seen a man so good with a baby in my entire life. He will make a great daddy for sure. The spark he gets when he is playing with a child is truly one of a kind.   It melts my heart.  Every time we see a child, whether an infant or a 10 year old, he is always smiling at them, cooing, waving, making eye contact, or even talking to them. Even if he's never said it, it's prominent, he has love in his heart that can only be given to a child. My heart breaks inside for not only myself, but for E as well, when I see only one pink line.

We are so excited to be able to prepare for a child, but when can we? Over the past 26 months we have had talks about names, types of diapers, multiples, number of children, genders, photographs, pregnancy, clothing style for a child, discipline, can's and cannot's, do's and don'ts, etc  We have talked about everything under the sun that has to do with having a baby. The only thing missing? The baby.

As each day goes by we sit and wonder and hope and dream about what our family will be like. Until then, we hold tight and pray. It's not the easiest thing to accept, an unknown diagnosis of infertility, but it's the love that we have in our hearts for one another, and for others, that keeps pushing us to keep trying. We want to fill the hole that is missing in our lives.

So, to my unborn baby; we loved you way before we knew you.

~Jess

Month 26

I went to the doctor on day 3 of my cycle of month 26 of trying.  I was expecting to start round two of injections and had high hopes of a higher dose, therefore helping us to get pregnant this time around.

I figured since the doctor was so optimistic last time, maybe he'll up the dose some and that will do the trick. I was so excited to get started. Was I excited about injections? No, not really, but then again, I was! I was ready to try again (just like I had the last 25 months!).

I made the hour drive down to Savannah for my doctor's appointment.  Much like my other appointments, this one was at 8:15am and I had get up pretty early to make it there on time and beat the rush hour.

When I got to the office they quickly took me back to the exam room.  I knew the drill; "empty bladder, bottoms off."  I waited for the doctor to come in and do the exam. While he was doing the exam he said "interesting". He didn't say much more after that, he didn't even read off the numbers like he had all of the times before. My heart sunk. What did that even mean?  He finished the exam and said, "you'll have to skip this month's treatment".   My belly dropped and I'm sure the look on my face told it all. I was disappointed beyond belief. I felt the tears forming in my eyes as he left the room and instructed me to meet him in the office.

I got dressed and met him in the office.  I didn't know what was going on and I had too many emotions to clearly think.  I was upset and heartbroken that we couldn't continue with the injections.  He explained that I had cysts that had formed and I had not passed them.  He said that it sometimes happens when the medications are taken and that 90% of the time they will dissolve on their own and continuing the medication would just complicate things and be a "waste".  How often did this occur? I asked him, and he said he sees it in 1/3 of his patients. He instructed me to call to check in on/around the 24th day of my cycle and to call when my period started. I left the office with my head hung.

The appointment only lasted 15 minutes.  It was a hard 15 minutes to comprehend. I headed to the mall in hopes of getting some stuff I needed for our upcoming military ball. They weren't open yet. Wonderful.  What was I to do? I was a wreck and needed some distraction. I called E to let him know. I was in tears on the phone and explained how disappointed I was. My stupid body. I don't understand. Why?! There's that question again, stupid "why".  After I got off the phone with E, I texted M and called my mom to let them know what had happened.  No one really understands, but I am so thankful to have them in my life to try to help encourage me and cheer me up.

I waited for the mall to open and when I went in it seemed like around every corner there was one more pregnant women, or one more baby. I was surrounded with the very thing that I want. I hurried and got out of there as quick as I could. On the way home, I went through spurts of tears.  I finally calmed myself and talked myself into my infamous "maybe this month" speech.  I told myself to look on the bright side, that possibly we could conceive this month without medication! Wouldn't that be something!?!

So, this brings us to current day. I am in my 26th month of trying and am about 8 days past ovulation.  I took a test this morning, and of course it's only one pink line. But, then again, it is could be way too early to tell.

Why?

I took the ovulation predictor test when I was instructed to. It was negative, which was a good thing. He didn't want me to ovulate yet. He wanted me to ovulate on command (I was even told not to take motrin, tylenol, or anything of the sorts the entire cycle to prevent "early ovulation").

The next morning is when E was supposed to administer the pregnyl/hCG shot. I was so worried and he even said he didn't want to do it. He was scared just as much as I was (maybe a little more).  Then, it dawned on me! I have a friend who is a nurse! Maybe she'll help me! I quickly called up S and asked her if she'd do the duty of giving me a shot in my butt. We laughed about it, but she agreed. E and I were so relieved!

I woke up that morning to head over to S' house. I took the vials of Pregnyl in. She mixed the meds with the solvent vial and drew back 2 CCs. It was quick and painless. Well, later it was sore, but I could deal with that! Knowing someone who has done shots a million times before giving me a shot AND I did't have to look, that was amazing!

I spent that next afternoon wondering if I was ovulating. Then, it hit me, around dinner time I started cramping. It was ovulation time! Shortly after I noticed, we headed to the bedroom and had intercourse that evening and the next day, as instructed (sorry if your family haha).  I was certain this was going to work! I was so optimistic, as was E.

We spent the next two weeks wondering if I was pregnant. Every day passed extremely slow. That two week wait is one of the worst waits ever. I knew if I tested I'd see a positive result due to the shots. I went and bought $1 pregnancy tests so I could watch the medication leave my system and see if I would get a positive a little later down the line. A week after the shot, I was still getting a false positive, which meant the Pregnyl was still in my system. I had to take another Pregnyl shot that day as well. I thought, okay, this stuff will stay in my system another week, so I don't even know why I'm testing, but I continued. I thought it would be a neat process to see and if I were in fact pregnant I would know for sure in seven days. I would either still be getting a positive pregnancy test or I would get my period. I tested for the next three days after my second, lower dose, of Pregnyl. Negative. One pink line. One pink line the next day and the next day. I wasn't pregnant.

My period came. It was the worst period of my life. I knew the pain was due to the meds making me "super-ovulate". I was in tears. I don't cry like I cried over this period. I just don't. It's something that I just deal with. When I say it was the worst, I mean it was the worst. E just held me. He didn't know what to do. Poor guy, he rubbed my back, held my hand and tried to comfort me. I was a mess, physically and emotionally. I was in pain and I couldn't understand why I had to go through this. Why couldn't I get pregnant? Why do we have to go through this whole process? Why do I have to go another round injecting myself? Why can't we have a baby? Why, when all we ever wanted was our own bundle of joy, we just couldn't? Why is this journey so long and so rough? Why is God doing this to us? Why!?!

I don't have an answer to those questions, and I probably never will. I just sat and cried. All I could do was cry. I didn't know what to do. We had done everything we were told to do, so why didn't it work? That "why" question wouldn't stay out of my head. I had to roll with the punches. I had to pick myself up again and keep going. I couldn't dwell on the why, I couldn't dwell on the unknown. I couldn't give up. I wouldn't give up.

I called the doctor to let them know that I had started, it was a Sunday. They always instruct me to leave a message because they check the machines often (they have patients 7 days of week but only say they're open 5).  They didn't call me back until Monday. They wanted to see me on day 3 of my cycle instead of day 2 like the previous time. I agreed to see them Tuesday morning.

Month 26. We were entering into month 26.

5:45pm

After the first time doing the injections I was nervous to continue doing them, but I knew, deep down, it would be worth it in the end. Or would it? 

5:45pm the next day rolled around and I went through the process of the injections, only this time, E was home and watched me. I felt pretty proud of myself for not being so nervous this time and not feeling like I was going to pass out.  He then asked if he could do it the next day. I thought sure! If he can do it better then me, then I'd love for him to administer the shots on a daily basis. If he did it, then I wouldn't have to look at the needle and I'd be okay (yes, I'm a little kid and look away every time someone else gives me a shot). 

When the next day came, I showed E how to do the shots and he did pretty good, except when he got to the part of stabbing me.  And when I say stab, I mean stab, jab, or whatever other word you can come up with for "holy crap, be easy!". That wasn't the best experience in the world so I took over from there on out.

I made the hour drive to the doctor after the third day of injections so he could monitor me and see how my things were coming along.  He said that I should be finished with my period, and just like I had thought, I wasn't. I was on the very end and he could tell from the ultrasound. Interesting! He shouted out some numbers to the nurse to record and I then asked him what he was looking at. He showed me the monitor and pointed out the eggs that he was looking at. It looked like round blurry white spots on a black screen (you can tell I won't be going into the medical field anytime soon!).

After the exam we headed into the office and he said he wanted to continue me on the small dose of 50 to see what happens. He instructed me to come back in three days. I made the appointment and was sent down to have blood work done to check my hormone levels.  I was told if my hormone levels were out of whack, they'd call me and let me know to adjust the dose accordingly.

5:45pm for the next three days came and went. Injection after injection. I was starting to get the hang of it, but I still was uneasy about a needle being inserted into my stomach by none other then myself!

I wasn't experiencing many of the crazy side effects I did with clomid. My sense of smell was through the roof. If you ask E, he would tell you that I could smell him eating those nasty pickles from a mile away! Other then the smell, I wasn't having any issues, which was a good thing for both E and I...and the whole world!

I went back to the doctor (yes, that hour drive one way journey) on day 8 of my cycle. He said everything looked great and that he wanted to up the dose barely to 75 IUIs. He said the follicles looked mature and I had plenty of "contenders". He explained that with me the difference between getting 2 eggs and 22 is huge and we didn't want the latter. He said that this month would be a basic trial run with me to see what happens. I was instructed to take that dose that night and the next two days. I was to return to the doctor on day 11 of my cycle for continued monitoring. I then went down to the lab to get more blood work done to check my hormone levels. 

5:45pm came and went three times and I returned back to the doctor on day 11. He took a look and told me that he was "impressed" with everything and my process. He was very optimistic, and of course I was elated. He wanted me to purchase an ovulation predictor kit from their pharmacy and take it that evening. He said if it was positive to call them to let them know. If I didn't get a positive on day 11 then we were to have intercourse on day 12 and 13. Dr. B informed me that I needed to have E inject the pregnyl day 12 in the morning. Oh great. Another injection that I was dreading. This shot was different. It had to be given in the upper butt and I couldn't do it! It also was the old fashion syringe and there was a different method to it. I was freaking out. I asked the nurses to show me where the injection needed to be and how to do it so I could relay the information over to E.  She took me in a room and marked a big "X" on my butt/lower back/hip area. She explained that he'd have to draw out the medicine after it was mixed and then to put the needle in and bring back the plunger to see if there were any blood. If blood was present then he'd have to take it out and do the shot again. If there is blood then that meant he hit a vein. Oh.my.word.  She could tell I was nervous and they all gave me a "good luck" when I left the office. I headed down to the lab again to get even more blood drawn. Needles. Needles. Needles.

Just the beginning.

The medication arrived on my front porch the very next day after the doctor prescribed it.  I opened the well packaged, refrigerated box and started to look through the contents.  Seeing the syringes and the vials made me cringe.  The reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really going to be doing this- I'm seriously going to be injecting myself!  I put the contents in the fridge and examined the pen that I'd be using for the Follistim AQ. Looking it over, it looked easy, but I knew I had to ask the doctor some questions about it before starting.

I waited for a couple more weeks for mother nature to come. When she made her arrival, I called the doctor to make my appointment. They instructed me to come in the very next day. I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew that they would be monitoring me, but I didn't understand the exact details.  

I went to the doctor the next day and when they called me back into the exam room they instructed me to "empty my bladder and get undressed from the waste down".  Okay, simple? Right? Well, I was on my period so I didn't know if I should remove the tampon or what, I was slightly embarrassed when the doctor came in and instructed me to do so.  Looking back, it makes since, but geesh was I embarrassed beyond belief.  He came back in with another guy wearing a white coat, the technician, followed by a nurse.  I had never seen the tech before so I was even more embarrassed. They were going to be doing a trans-vaginal ultrasound. It freaked me out. I was on my period!

They did the exam, he measured some stuff as he shouted out numbers to the nurse who was recording them in my chart. Dr. B told the tech to make sure he got good readings on me since I didn't have the laproscopy procedure.  He made sure he got all of what he needed and the wand was painful every time he'd go to my left side. It was uncomfortable in more then one way. I wasn't thrilled with how the exam went. They didn't explain anything to me and I felt like a caged animal not knowing what was going on.  After the exam they instructed me to come to the office after I got dressed.

I headed to the office.  He told me that everything was "on track" and that he wanted to start me on a "baby dose" since I ovulate on my own and everything looked "great" and "normal". He didn't want to get me "too many mature follicles .  He seemed very optimistic. He started me on 50 IUIs of follistim between 5pm and 8 pm for the next couple days.  He said the next time I came in my period would be over. I was thinking yeah right. My period last almost a week and he wanted me back in on day 5 of my cycle (3 days later).  The nurse started checking me out and that's when I inquired on the "how to" about the follistim pen. She explained it to me and I was still very scared about doing it wrong. I was so terrified to stick a needle into my stomach.

I left the office and headed back home (an hour drive). On the drive I called E, M, and my mom to let them know what was going on.  They were excited for us to be able to take the next step leap. I was excited too.  I was scared, but excited!  Here we go, maybe month 25 will be the magic month?!

I finally made it home and checked the clock. It was 11am. Okay, I have over 6 hours to prepare for the injections. The clock ticked  by and I was hoping E would come home before I had to administer the shot. 545pm is when I decided on taking the injections. E was held up at work.  I texted M and let her know how nervous I was, she made me feel so much better and put a smile on my face. She told me to "make a horror movie out of it"!  Ha!

It was 515pm, I started reading over the instructions, word for word. If you know me, I never read instructions. I was concentrating and trying my best to not miss anything.  Meanwhile, my phone on the counter, started buzzing and buzzing...and buzzing. They were only texts but it was freaking me out! I was a nervous, shaky wreck. I followed each step; swabbed the crap out of everything with alcohol, put the vial of follistim in the pen, put a new needle on, clicked the dial once to see a drop, clicked the dial to 50, rubbed my skin with alcohol, pinched an amount of skin with my fingers under my belly button, took a huge deep breath, inserted the needle at a 90 degree angle to my body, pushed the dial until it ended on zero, counted to five, removed the needle, put pressure on the injection site with alcohol, and put the needle in my sharps container. It was over! Or was it? My ears started getting hot, I was dizzy. I felt like I was going to pass out! I apparently am very scared of needles. I didn't know how large my fear was until I was done. I took a seat and tried to wrap my head around what had just happened. I injected myself! I did my happy dance in my head and made a sigh of relief. Whew! It was over....well, not really, it had just begun.

Injections?!

We went in to the specialist to get trained and to watch a video about the injections I was going to be taking.  We sat there and listened to the video go on and on about all the different side effects the drugs would have. Talk about scary! Not to mention, I'd have to be administering the shots to myself and mainly in my stomach!   Think about that for a minute. It gets better, for two of the shots someone else needs to administer the shots in your upper butt muscle (there's some fancy word for it)! That mean E had to do it! I don't even know the verb for how I felt.  I was excited but very nervous.

We finished up the video and then were asked if we had any questions.  The only question I could utter out, at the time, was when do we start? Of course, I had a million thoughts and questions going through my head. What if I do these wrong? What if E does them wrong? How am I going to feel on these injections? Am I going to be just as mean as I was on Clomid? What's going to happen to my body?

The nurse gave me paperwork with information on it and instructed me to call as soon as my period started. She asked when it would be and I told her that I was only on day 6 of my cycle, so about a month. This meant we'd be starting the injections on month 25 of our journey.  They also explained that by taking the injections it would increase our chances of multiples. Our chances went from 1/10 for twins to 1/3.  For triplets or more our chances increased from 1/100 to 1/10. It shook E up quite a bit, but as for myself the only scary thing I had about that was how was my little body going to be able to carry more then one baby?

I read through the paperwork on the medication and came across that I needed to purchase their ovulation predictor test, and that I was not to take any pregnancy tests during the time of my injections.  They were placing me on Follistim AQ and Pregnyl.  When we got home I did more research on the medication.  There were tons of success stories for these drugs and left me with high hopes.

Follistim AQ, which was the drug I'd be injecting into my stomach for about 12 days, is a follicule stimulating hormone that is man made that regulates ovulation and grows and matures eggs.  Woah! Man made?! Yes, the drug is man made, however, it is a hormone that we naturally produce as well. Was that supposed to make me feel better about injecting a man made hormone into my body? For some reason it did.

Pregnyl, the other injection that I would be doing contained hCG (the hormone that pregnancy tests pick up when you are pregnant). Oh! That's why I can't take pregnancy tests, it will give me a false positive. The Pregnyl would trigger ovulation. Once I had positive sign on my ovulation test we would then have intercourse. Simple enough.

But then there were the injections. Needles. Oh needles. Shots, not by a nurse or some other trained professional, but by E and I?!

~Jess

Specialist. Specialize. Special.

4 months came and went and we were not pregnant, still. We were into our 23rd month of trying to have a baby without success and heading to a reproductive specialist. Did that mean I was special because now I needed to seek further treatment? Apparently so. Oh how I wish I weren't special in this kind of way.

The specialist is an hour drive, one way.  Again, like often times before, I wasn't sure what to expect.  Will he immediately get started or will we have to wait even longer? Will this be just a consultation?  E and I both wondered those very questions. I couldn't help but talk E's ear off on the way to see our doctor.  We wondered if the doctor would have to do all the testing over again? Hopefully not.

We finally got there and sat in his office and waited for them to call us back.  I examined the waiting room while we waited. There were baby magazines sitting on the coffee table in the middle of the room.  Other women were sitting in the waiting room with us as well.  Although I didn't know their exact situation, I shared their pain. I knew how it felt (and still do) to want something so badly that it hurt.  I sat in anguish for them.  It wasn't just me in the room, there were others.  That's when it hit me that I wasn't alone in this, but at the same time, I hated that I wasn't the only one going through infertility. I wouldn't wish the pain of infertility on anyone, ever.  It made me mad that others had to go through what E and I were.

When we got called back, the Doctor, Dr B took us back to his office, his nicely furnished office.  We sat and talked about our story and our conceiving problems. Ha. We had a problem that was unknown. We explained to him all the basics. It went something like this:  I'm 24. I have regular cycles that last 28-30 days. I've had an HSG which turned up normal. I have been on Clomid before for 3 months. I've never been pregnant. I don't drink, I don't smoke. I haven't had any surgeries. I don't have endometriosis. E explained his side too. Semen analysis was normal. He's never been kicked (hard) or had any surgeries. He's 23. So on and so forth. Everything was normal. He then started talking about options and gave me a to-do list.

Our options were to do a laparoscopy to see if they could find something that the ultrasound and HSG did not.  He said he really didn't think he'd find anything on it since I was so regular and didn't experience anything out of the ordinary. He said it was my decision and that he highly recommended it. I didn't have to make a decision right then and there, but to call him in the next day to let him know.  He then explained what we would do after the decision of a laparoscopy or not.  He said we'd do something called "super-ovulation". Sounds fun.  He said since we were military that our insurance wouldn't cover IUI (intrauterine insemination), which he would normally do with the super-ovulation.  Tricare only covers the super-ovulation part. The IUI is only a couple hundred dollars more, he explained.  We were like fish biting the bait.  We said that we would pay the couple hundred dollars to do the IUI.  Much to our surprise we wouldn't be able to do that. We would have to pay for the super-ovulation on top of IUI if we wanted to go that route. Our insurance wouldn't cover ANY of it if we choose IUI.  How much is that?  It is 2 grand. Wow. What a low blow. Here I thought we could maybe get away with doing IUI for a couple hundred dollars.  There was light at the end of the tunnel though. He said we could still do the super-ovulation without doing the IUI and have intercourse when he would do the IUI procedure.  Great, then that's what we'll do!

I inquired more about what super-ovulation entailed and he said that it would be for maturing the egg follicules and for the triggering of ovulation. He then said something about injecting. Wait, what? It's not just a pill I would have to take? No, not at all. Injections. Home injections at that. The voice in my head screamed. Jess, you're not a nurse! E's not a nurse! What are we going to do?! My nerves were shot, literally.

I left there with my list, and my head in a spin.  Over the next day I needed to get Naval Hospital to fax over all of our tests that we had taken and I needed to figure out if I wanted to do a laparoscopy. I was instructed to call them once I got all of it in order.

I called to make the laparoscopy appointment the very next day and was told they couldn't get me in until the first of the year. Wait, what?! That's 4 more months! I asked her if we could just do the super-ovulation without doing the lapraroscopy and she said that we could.  I really wasn't certain that I wanted to do the procedure anyway.  I had heard that it could do more damage then good and since Dr. B was so optimistic that nothing was wrong I wanted to move onward. I was tired of waiting.  I scheduled an appointment the very next week for E and I to be trained on administering injections. That word still scared me. I didn't like it one bit. 

~Jess

Oh Clomid.

I went to the OBGYN four months after my HSG.  If you're counting, I would have been trying to conceive for around 15 months (currently at 26 months).  E and I went to the office together to discuss our next options.  I had a pretty good idea what was next and was a little concerned about how my body would respond.  I figured he'd be putting me on Clomid or something of the sorts.

We sat down in Dr. D's office and started to talk about the results of every test we had taken thus far. He said everything was normal with both E and I.  My hormone levels were perfect, his semen-analysis exceeded expectations, my ultrasound looked good and the HSG showed that both fallopian tubes were fine. He also mentioned that he knew I was ovulating since my periods were very normal. He talked to us about Clomid and he also talked about getting to a reproductive specialist out in town. He said we could go either way or we could try both.  We opted for the latter and took both.  I asked him how many cycles I'd be going through with the clomid and he said 3. He explained that many doctors will put their patients on it for about 6 months, but he believed if it wasn't going to work within three, then what's the since of going six, especially when I ovulated on my own? Great point.  He also diagnosed us as having primary infertility. It's a diagnosis simply meaning we had never been pregnant before and we haven't been able to get pregnant in over a year.  He sent us on our way with the clomid, but I wasn't supposed to take it until days 5-9 of my cycle and supposed to have intercourse days 10, 12, 14-17.  What did that mean? It meant I had to wait for my period to start yet again. There goes one more month.

16 months pass and now I am starting clomid. Wow was I evil. It made me so mean!  I kept telling E how sorry I was. Every day for about a week I was extremely hateful. I wasn't myself.  I hated that I had to have these drugs and I really didn't understand the means to taking them. Clomid would make me ovulate. If I had a period every month then I ovulated, right? Right. I didn't understand, but had high hopes of finally getting pregnant. Dr. D seemed so optimistic and in turn I was too.

Each month of taking clomid I really thought that I was pregnant. I would text M, my best friend, and tell her my side effects.  I had heightened sense of smell, I was mean, I felt sick, my back hurt, I was breaking out, and I felt bloated. Wow, sounds like pregnancy to me! I spent countless nights up on the computer reading about clomid and success stories. I read about how I would feel if I were to get pregnant and followed the timeline with others with my own timeline. I got to 9 days past ovulation and tested. Negative. 12 days past ovulation, negative. 13 days past ovulation, negative. Then my period would come.

3 cycles on clomid came and went. Here we were, month 19 and nothing at all was happening. The only thing that was happening was me being extremely evil for seven days out of the week (and that's not including PMS) and then me feeling like I was pregnant to only be let down when mother nature made her call.  I was devastated.

When I got my referral to a specialist out in town I was taken back. "Georgia Center for Reproductive Medicine". Wow, the name of it even scared me. It's then when it really sank in that something was wrong and we needed to get to the bottom of it. I called to make the appointment when my clomid cycles were over and to much surprise they couldn't get me in right away. I had to wait 4 more months. Why was I even surprised at this point?

The waiting game was calling my name. I tried to put a positive spin on it and just tell myself that it was 4 more months of trying and that maybe we could have a baby without the assistance of any medication or any doctor telling us what to do, how to do it, or when to do it.

I was wrong.

~Jess

Is It Me? (part 3 of 3)

The 9 days passed and it came the day of my HSG scan (if you don't want to hear details, please don't continue to read, this blog is to help others who may not have the know-how or what to expect).  E was able to come this time since it was highly recommended for him to be there due to the "pain" it may cause, not to mention, the meds they gave me would make me too drowsy to drive.  I wanted him there too and he wanted to be there for me.

I had talked to some other women who had the procedure before and I heard that it was extremely painful and next to childbirth it would be most pain that I would feel. With being new to this whole infertility process, being scared was an understatement.

An hour before the procedure I was instructed to take a high does of motrin to dull the pain and to help with any cramping that would occur. I did as I was instructed and shortly after we made the drive to the Naval Hospital. E and I didn't talk much on the way. I'm not much of a talker especially when something is weighing on my mind. He has learned to not pry and just to hold my hand.  I was a nervous, emotional wreck. What if they find something?

I took a deep breath as I sat in the waiting room, we need to figure out what's going on. I just kept telling myself over and over again, "it will be worth it". They sent me to the lab for another pregnancy test before the HSG procedure. I took the test and returned to the waiting room. They finally called my name and we followed them back to the exam room. E left the room with the doctors as I got undressed. I was instructed to take my bottoms off and lay on the cold hard surface. 

I knew what the HSG process was, so I wasn't blind to it. I had heard it was a painful, but a "neat" process and we'd get to see right then and there if there were something wrong.

An HSG scan is an x-ray test where they can see if a woman's fallopian tubes are blocked or open. They insert a catheter like tube into her lady parts and shoot contrast (dye) through the tube into her uterus. Because the uterus is hooked to the fallopian tubes the patient will get to see the contrast go through or stop in the fallopian tubes. If the contrast goes through both fallopian tubes completely, then the fallopian tubes are not blocked. 

E, the nurse, the radiologist, and the doctor returned. I didn't recognize the radiologist or the doctor and they were all males. I wasn't sure what I thought about that, because let's face it, it can be a bit embarrassing when a member of the opposite sex (who isn't your spouse) is examining you (needless to say, I've gotten used to it). I remember laying there and E, standing, by my side with a huge monitor by my face. They said they were going to begin the process and I took a deep breath and they began. It was a bit uncomfortable at first because the doctor acted like he didn't know what he was doing and took him a bit to get the catheter in. He then instructed the radiologist to turn the lights off and lower the x-ray down (it was on hinges and came across my belly) and to get behind the curtain. He said he was pushing the contrast through and I felt it. It burned. E took my hand and we watched the contrast go through my uterus and through one fallopian tube. I looked at him and said "look". We watched the monitor in hopes of the other fallopian tube being open as well. It wasn't. I was upset and then the doctor said that he wanted to try one more time with some more contrast to see if he could clear the passage way.  He instructed the nurse to get more contrast. It took forever. I laid there as the doctor fidgeted with the catheter and I wanted to scream. Tears ran down my face and E just held my hand tighter, I could tell he was getting upset. I held my emotions and hurt in with hopes of the nurse returning sooner then later. The nurse finally returned about 15 minutes later with a new bottle of contrast (he had to go to the first floor, we were on the 4th floor, to get it). Sigh. The doctor then pushed the second vile through and this time it burned worse. Tears, again, trickled down my cheek and then I watched the monitor and my second tube had cleared. The clearing of my other tube made me smile. They finally finished the procedure and sent us on our way.

When we left I got to hear from E how badly he wanted to punch the doctor for making me cry. He was so sweet. He had never seen me in so much pain before and says he never wants to see it again (if we ever get pregnant he has another thing coming wink wink). I was cramping the rest of that afternoon and pretty exhausted. On the inside I was doing flip flops. I was happy that my fallopian tubes were both open. Maybe we have a better chance?

After the HSG procedure I was told to make an appointment with Dr. D in three months to discuss what the next steps would be. I called OB and they couldn't get me in in three months time, they had to make it in four.  I thought, well, maybe I'll be pregnant by then. 

Month after month passed, I'd take a home pregnancy test, get only one pink line, then my period would come and go. I cried every single time. 

It has been and still is the most emotional thing I have ever experienced.

~Jess

Is It Me? (part 2 of 3)

After spending the week leading up to the trans-vaginal ultrasound and HSG with so many thoughts, terrifying thoughts, going through my head it was finally the day for me to go in for the ultrasound. I went into the Naval hospital not knowing what to expect and scared of the pain that I may endure (if I knew what I know now about pain, this would have been nothing) and what they might see on the ultrasound. Of course, E was unable to make it to the appointment due to work so being able to spout off my emotions wasn't an option (unless you count a few "I'm scared." text messages).

I remember very distinctly going back to the exam room and having an extremely nice woman telling me what she was going to do. It was her first time as well. Wonderful, I thought, just wonderful. She did an excellent job and was very gentle. I had no pain whatsoever. I asked her if I could take a look at what she was looking at and she showed me the monitor. She told me that the lining of my uterus was pretty thick, especially for the part of the cycle I was at and that it appeared as if my uterus was tilted. She quickly changed her mind about my uterus being tilted and said it wasn't tilted at all, that it was just long (if you know me, that pretty much sums up how I'm built- long and thin).  She told me that being a technician she really wasn't supposed to be making assumptions, but it looked as if I could be in the early stages of pregnancy (I was elated). She continued the exam and said she didn't think I was pregnant, that maybe I just was naturally built that way (bummer). When the exam was over she submitted my scans to the doctor and sent me on my way.

It takes about 20 minutes to get to the Naval Hospital so on my way back home I decided I'd call my friend, M, and then my mom and let them know what was going on (E was at work, remember). M was the one who encouraged me to go to the doctor to begin with and her support throughout these, current, 26 months has been amazing. I needed them both to know what was going on, I needed someone to talk to. In the midst of my conversation with my mom Naval hospital was calling me. I knew I had to take the call.  It was my doctor. She said that I needed to come back right away and take a pregnancy test, that my scan looked like I could have an ectopic pregnancy. Being very new to this, I didn't really know what it meant, I just heard the word "pregnancy". I quickly told mom what was going on and that I had to go, I'd call her later. I probably scared the crap out of her (sorry mom!). I called M and let her know as well, she said something like, "Oh no! But, at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel and you are able to get pregnant and they caught it very early on."  What does that even mean? I was so scared. I went to the lab right away, took a number, sat down and googled "ectopic pregnancy" while I waited. I shouldn't have done that because this is what I found: "An ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy that occurs outside the womb (uterus).  It is a life-threatening condition to the mother. The baby (fetus) cannot survive....The most common site for an ectopic pregnancy is within one of the tubes through which the egg passes from the ovary to the uterus. However, in rare cases, ectopic pregnancies can occur in the ovary, stomach area, or cervix.". I was in panic mode and shot a text over to E to let him know what was going on. He called me in a panic as well. All we could think about was how dangerous it was for me. I was scared out of my mind and I could hear the panic in his voice. 

The nurse finally called my number. She took my blood and had me do a urine sample as well. When I turned in the sample she instructed me to have a seat and wait for the results. As I sat and waited I couldn't help but try to answer the 8,000 questions running through my head. What if I were pregnant and they had to take a fallopian tube? What if I'm not pregnant can I concieve? What if I'm not pregnant, what is wrong with me? (I think you get the point) The nurse finally came to me and told me that I could go that they would call me either way with a negative or positive result. Great, just more time to sit and wallow in my sorrows. I got home and waited. As I waited I got a phone call from a friend that I don't get to talk to quite often so I took it. She can always tell when something is wrong so I let her know and she had the same reaction as M. I thought, you know what, they're right. At least I can conceive. 

When I finally received the call, I had a strange reaction. The results were negative. I was not pregnant and it was not an ectopic pregnancy. I cried. I didn't know what I wanted to hear. I mean, I wasn't at risk of loosing a fallopian tube, dying, or having a fetus that couldn't survive, so that was good, but on the other hand there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel...I'm still, after 10 months, unable to conceive. I was instructed to come back the next day to have another trans-vaginal ultrasound just to "make sure". 

I went back the very next day and had someone completely different doing the exam. She wasn't as gentle and you could tell she was very experienced. In the midst of the exam she showed me some spots where I could have a possible cyst. She went and got the doctor (which to me is never good) and he took a look. He concluded that it was a (insert long medical term that I don't remember here) functional cyst. He said that it is caused by ovulation and it will dissolve very quickly. He said that it is very common and normal and for me to not worry about it. I asked the appropriate, "will it prevent me from having children?". His response was, "it will dissolve and it will probably come back every so often, but, no, you have nothing to worry about."  He also told me that I had already ovulated and that my cycle would begin within the next couple days (explains why the uterine lining was so thick). 

So over the next couple days I waited for my cycle to begin. It came right when the doctor said it would and I called the hospital to schedule my HSG. 9 more days to wait...it has to be performed around day 10-12 of your menstrual cycle. 

The wait and the worry begins....what if it's me?

Is It Me? (part 1)

After writing about my emotion coaster, I can finally fill you in on the logistics and what exactly is going on, err, under the hood and how we finally got the ball rolling in our direction.

I was finally convinced, by a woman who has been here for me through the thick of it, to go to the doctor about 10 months into our baby making journey.  I was scared to death to know if something was wrong.  As a woman I feel like it is my duty to be able to carry a child and give my husband a family. I feel like it's my job and not being able to do my part equated to me being a failure. Feeling like a failure is something I try to push past. I know I'm not a failure, but really, I am not succeeding either. 

I made my appointment with my primary care giver (being in the military and with our insurance we had to get a referral out from our general practitioner) and the date was set. I went in that day knowing she couldn't do much other then maybe draw a few labs. She did a little more then just that, she was great. She ordered a semen-analysis up for E to do. She said she didn't want us to just show up at the OB empty handed, especially since they would do the same exact tests. I was ever so grateful.  I went down to the lab and had some blood drawn as well as yet another pregnancy test. She said I'd get my referral to OB within two weeks. 

The referral came in and I set my appointment with the OB two months later, yes I said months. I couldn't believe I had to wait even longer. I was kicking myself for putting the doctor appointments off and I was so nervous, but anxious to get the ball rolling. 

My first visit to the OB-GYN wasn't exactly what I was hoping for. I didn't really know what to expect, but I guess I expected much more. Maybe I thought they could wave their magic wand and give us our hopes and dreams. No, c'mon Jess, that's not how this works. He told us that our testing (my blood-work and his semen-analysis) came back normal. Great, I thought. Normal. E is normal, so that must meant that I'm the one who is infertile (insert panic mode here). He then went through and explained every part of the woman's uterine anatomy to me. How fascinating! (You honestly don't really think about your woman parts until there could be something wrong, you just assume they work the way they are supposed to work). While explaining he told me that I would need to get a trans-vaginal ultrasound and then an HSG once my cycle started again. Did he just say "trans-vaginal"? Boy, did the panic alarms sound off in my head. Wait, what? What about the HSG? I was scared out of my mind because I had heard that the HSG was extremely painful, I didn't know what to think. The number one question on my mind was why? why do I need to go through this? Why can't I just be normal? I listened carefully as he explained to me what the HSG scan would do and he prescribed me pain meds and antibiotics for the procedure (please see upcoming posts for more on the HSG). Dr. D was awesome and very nice, to say the least. 

I left the office with a short list of things to do over the next month. I was overwhelmed and emotional. My husband had to go back to work and I left the Naval hospital with so many different thoughts and emotions running through my head, but at the same time, I was happy, but scared. We finally had someone trying to help us and someone in the stands cheering for E and I, but what if something was wrong with me? What if I'm the one who can't carry a baby?

I spent the next week worrying about what the doctors would or wouldn't find. It's a strange emotion, really. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what was going on- if you just ignore the problem, there's nothing wrong right?  Right (rolls eyes). I guess I didn't want to face the fact that there could be something wrong, I didn't want to have to admit that I was the problem, that I was the reason behind our infertility. But was I?

~Jess

Emotion Coaster

When we first started out, I never knew my emotions would be played with so much. I cannot even explain how crazy this ride has been, but I will try my best to give you a ride on my emotion coaster. 

Have you ever scrolled through your news feed on Facebook just to find that every single one of your friends are pregnant or just had a baby? Have you ever looked around and noticed that around every corner there is a woman who is glowing with a pregnant belly? Or that every woman at your girls night has a child or is expecting? Well, if you answered yes, then you must be trying to conceive.

I never really noticed that there were babies popping up everywhere until we started trying. I cannot tell you how many countless times I have said to E, "well, [such and such] are expecting" or "[such and such] just had a baby". Of course we are thrilled to death for them, but at the same time, we ache inside.   If I wrote that I didn't experience jealousy it would be a lie and I'm blogging to be honest and for people to be able to relate. It's okay. These are honest emotions.  I am human, I do get upset when I don't get what I want and someone else does. It's like that kid at a family Christmas who wishes for an iPod so badly but his cousin gets one instead so he/she sits in the corner for the remainder of the evening pouting or maybe even crying.  I get like that, but at the same time I am overjoyed that someone gets a miracle from God. I have even taught myself (with help from my amazing friend) how to take a deep breath and remember that I don't know that person's story. That they, too, could have gone through a lot of trouble to have a child.


Something else that really toys with my emotions is when every one is complaining about their kids, their pregnancy, their insensitive husband, or trying to plan a baby shower.  I get it. We are all human here and unless your wonder woman then you're going to feel uncomfortable during pregnancy. Who wouldn't? And I know, we all complain, it's in our nature, but, I'd give just about anything to have a child. 

If seeing everyone in their brother with a kid wasn't enough, how about when you are in the midst of the two week wait?  Oh how annoying that wait can be. Oh it's 5 days past ovulation, can I test? "No, implantation hasn't even occurred yet, dummy.", says the little voice in my head. I always try to hold out on peeing on a stick til I'm about 9 days past ovulation. Negative after negative, I just continue to push forward and say maybe next time, maybe the test is messed up, maybe the batch was corrupted, maybe, maybe, maybe. The worst is when I'm two days late. I test. It's a big fat negative. Two hours later mother nature calls. How awesome. Not. Only one pink line in 26 months. I wonder how many tests I've actually taken? Oh geeze, I probably shouldn't even try to count. I have learned to expect one pink line. I will pee my pants jump for joy if I ever see two!

I don't know why people have the need to always ask young couples when they are going to have a baby, but it happens quite often. Before, I used to just try to nod the question away and just squirm in my seat searching for what I should say. Now, I just tell them, "well, we've been trying for over two years now". Strangely, they seem to utter with complete silence and walk on egg shells for the remainder of the conversation.

One of the last hills or dips on this emotion coaster is the fact that everyone thinks they understand what you're going through, or they know someone who has been in your shoes before and can give you some good advice. I am so appreciative for others, I really am, but sometimes it's just best to wish me the best of luck and prayers. It's not easy to walk a mile in someones shoes if you don't even know what the shoe looks like. That being said, I'm honestly glad for those who haven't had to go through the tough times of infertility. Just because your fertile doesn't mean we can't be friends tho, so never take it that way!

I am a God fearing woman, just as E is a God fearing man. We pray, we love God, we read the Bible, and we go to church. I know God has a plan, and He is an Awesome God. I don't doubt Him one bit, but to be honest, it's not easy to hear that over and over again even if it's true. We, as humans, are selfish and we want to control everything that happens, so it's hard to know that we really aren't in control. It's extremely hard to sit back and enjoy the view when your life isn't going according to your plan. It's in His hands not ours, and I try to remind myself of that every day. 

~Jess

An Intro, of course.

So, I've finally decided that it's time. It's time for me to share my story, well our story.  With sharing our story I am hoping to be able to reach out to couples, in a positive way, who may be in the same situation as my husband and I.   I have met a few women by having the courage to come out of my shell and sharing what we have been through over the past couple years. It is amazing to see how we have been able to come together and help each other when infertility is taking it's toll. I never, in a million years, thought I'd be sharing something so personal with the whole world, but I know how it feels to feel so alone in a world of norms, pregnancies, and babies. 

First of all, my name is Jessica. I have been with my husband, of whom we will refer to as "E", for nearly seven years and married over three of those seven years. He is in the United States Marine Corps and I own and operate my own business from home.  E and I are very happily married, which of course equates to infertility, or so it seems. 

When we got to the Carolinas in September of 2010 we decided we were ready to start a family. We were so excited and thought, like many couples, that we would be pregnant in the next few months.. We were always really careful to use protection when we weren't trying so we thought, "this should be easy!" Boy, were we wrong! We have never been so wrong in our lives. Here we are 26 months later and our family has only grown by 12 paws and not two feet.

And this is where our story begins...

~Jess